We love producing our podcasts and take pride in the listening experience we’re able to provide for the Amaliah community and beyond, but we want to be able to deliver amazing content for everyone to enjoy!

So, we’ve got down to transcribing all of our episodes for our incredible series, Lights On, With Angelica Lindsey-Ali, so that you’re no longer in the dark…

We’ve brought in our favourite village aunty, community scholar and sex expert, Angelica Lindsey-Ali to answer your questions, concerns and curiosities on all things related to sex, intimacy and body confidence.

In episode three, we ask Angelica for a 101 on male erogenous zones, why women should ‘get there’ first, and how to ‘taste good’.

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*Beginning of Episode* 

Sara:

Sex intimacy and female pleasure within the context of Islam. These aren’t all too often talked about subjects in the Muslim community. So we’ve been asking you to send us your questions or concerns on everything related to sex and intimacy, and have them answered by our favourite village aunty, community scholar and sex expert Angelica Lindsey – Ali, so that we’re no longer in the dark…

I’m Sara,

Angelica:

And this is Lights On! With me, Angelica Lindsey-Ali.

Sara: 

Angelica. Last episode, we had a 101 on female orgasms and anatomy. Can you give us one on male anatomy and erogenous zones?

Angelica: 

The interesting part about human beings is that we share a lot of the same erogenous zones. But there are certain parts of the male body that are overlooked when it comes to stimulation and sensual pleasure. And one of the areas that is very often overlooked are the soles of the feet. Men have more nerve endings in the soles of the feet than women do. And so that makes it a place where stimulation is even more satisfying and more pleasurable. I know that there are a lot of women who say if my husband just rubs my feet, he can have anything he wants, right. But why not try turning the tables and maybe offer him a foot massage. instead? One, there’s the element of surprise a lot of men. And I’m just speaking conventionally here, a lot of men may not expect for their wives to rub their feet. And the fact that it is an area that’s more sensitive for men makes it a great erogenous zone to try. Another area is behind the ears. behind the ears is that’s an erogenous zone for women as well. But again, men are not often stimulated there.

Angelica: 

Another area and this now we’re entering into areas that will require consent. Again, consensus is sexy. Blanket consent is something that you really want to be careful about. Because even though you have established an emotionally safe and vulnerable relationship with your partner, you still want to make sure that you’re letting them know if you are going to stimulate them in a place that’s new or could possibly be uncomfortable for them. And when I talk about discomfort, I’m not really talking about physical discomfort, so much as possibly emotional discomfort. So the gluteal fold is the area that can best be described as that area where the fattest part of the buttocks meets the tide. And the gluteal fold is an extremely sensitive area. I talk about it when I teach about the 15 routes to orgasm and impact orgasm, which is gentle pressure or light tapping in that area can really excite a lot of pleasure. And so in men, if a man is stimulated on his gluteal fold, either through massage, like tapping, maybe the use of certain toys, that is also an area that is a highly impactful, erogenous zones. Another place that women may not think to stimulate their partners is the nipples. nipples evolve in embryos and both men and women of course have nipples. If the embryo becomes a female, then the nipples then become a place where lactation can be accessed on a man men don’t typically lactate, they that’s not a superpower that they have. However, the nipples are just as sensitive in a man as they are in a woman. But again, socially we don’t think to stimulate men in that area, but men are able to have nipple orgasms, just like women can. You definitely want to ask for consent anytime you’re trying something new and consent can be sexy. It doesn’t have to be a cumbersome process. simply asking your partner Can I touch you there? Can I kiss you there Is this okay? Can I go further? Can I go deeper? All of these are ways of getting consent without interrupting the process. Let’s move to some parts of the body that are specific to men or people who have a penis. Now, on the penis, lots of women know that the head of the penis is probably the most sensitive part. However, there is a part of the head of the penis that is more sensitive than others. And that part is called the frenulum. The frenulum is the ridge of skin that connects the head of the penis to the shaft of the penis. It is the area around which the foreskin is cut during circumcision. And that area tends to be thinner and has thinner tissue, which makes it a lot more sensitive. Some sex experts call it the F spot. If you are a person who believes that oral sex is Hello. stimulating that area during oral sex is extremely rare, rewarding in terms of sensual pleasure. If you do not believe that oral sex is Hello or you have challenges with oral sex, stimulating that area with a fingertip that has been dipped in lubricant or even vaginal fluids, stimulating the frenulum just along that ridge very lightly because it’s an extremely sensitive area is also a way to activate an erogenous zone. Then we have two areas that contain Ray fees array fee is an area where two pieces of skin are connected. It’s almost like a scene, and you can see it and feel it because texturally it’s different. So one area where there is a ray fee that is extremely sensitive is the Squirtle Ray fee. The Squirtle Ray fee is the area where the scrotum are connected. And again, stimulating that area orally or manually even is another way to elicit pleasure from a male erogenous zone. There’s another Raphael that is probably my favourite male erogenous zone because not only is it an area that can give a man a lot of pleasure, there are also health benefits that are a part of it. And that is called the pee spot. It is on the parent and the parent em is this little strip of skin. Both men and women have pyramids. For a woman it is the area between the opening of the vaginal cavity and the rectum. For a man it is the area between the base of the scrotum and the rectum it is a smooth strip of skin. And there is a ray fee that is connecting the two sides and you can feel it It feels just like a scene simulating bear with your finger. Using the middle fingers probably best because there’s a lighter pressure. But stimulating that area. The the Raphael on the paramecium is a wonderful erogenous zone. It’s unexpected. It is a place that you will definitely need to make sure that you get consent. Before you touch there. Let your partner know that you’re not trying to insert anything into the rectum that you’re trying something different. But the great part about massaging your partner on the roofie that is located on the peronism is that you’re actually helping the prostate gland to do its job better. Now the prostate is a small pea sized gland that is located just above the parent em and their urethra runs through the prostate. massaging the prostate helps the prostate to release all of its fluids. It also helps the prostate to function better. And for lots of men of colour prostate cancer is a huge problem. So this erogenous zone is my favourite because it packs a big punch. You get a lot of sensual pleasure out of it. It’s unexpected. And there’s also health benefits.

Sara: 

Angelica here’s a submission we had to the Sex Survey. It reads: “I’ve heard from people that the guy should make the woman come first as he may be depleted after climaxing. Why is that so? And how do I communicate this to my partner? How does this tie in with multiple orgasms? Often sex is depicted in a way where the end point is the man climaxing.”

Angelica: 

One of the reasons why men are encouraged to bring their wives to orgasm first is that men have a refractory period, whereas women do not. Women don’t typically require a refractory period, and a refractory period is basically a time in which the body no longer responds to further external or internal stimuli. So a man may not be able to reach erection again for or ejaculation for another 15 minutes or sometimes even as long as 12 hours after he is ejaculated. And that can really interrupt a sex session. It can make the wife feels starved, it can feel very selfish, even if it’s unintentional. So when I teach couples, I teach women about 15 routes to orgasm. A lot of those routes to orgasm focus on non penetrative vaginal sex. Because women require more sexual variety and when I say sexual variety, I’m talking about a variety of technique and a variety of stimulation, different areas that are stimulated. So again, nipple orgasms impact, orgasm. konyaspor Kenyatta is a great technique that will allow a man to get the physical sensation of being connected to his penis being connected to the vaginal cavity without full penetration. It’s extremely satisfying for the man as well as for the woman. So komiza is a great route to bring a woman to orgasm without a man having to ejaculate and enter into that refractory period. It’s very important that we communicate with our partners as women, when we’re not getting what we need, and do it in a very sensitive way. We never want to try to get our rights in a way that makes it seem like we are limiting the rights of our husbands. So being very careful about having a conversation about, you know, refractory periods or even multi orgasmic states because that’s another reason why teaching different routes to orgasm is important. Because women don’t have a refractory period, we can reach orgasm, for example, through vaginal penetration, and then enter directly into a clitoral orgasm, and then enter into an a spot orgasm. orgasms can come in waves, there’s stages of orgasms, and explaining this to your partner and exploring different techniques that can bring you to multiple levels of arousal within one sex session, even before he ejaculates is something that can be both exciting for him and very satisfying for you. So again, communication is extremely important. Not letting your husband feel as though he is in some way depriving you. But approaching the conversation from a standpoint of understanding that sex is mechanics. But for women, it can be even more complex. We have a very sophisticated engine under our hoods, so to speak. So talking to your partner about the best way to get pleasure is going to bring about more satisfaction for both of you.

Sara: 

Angelica, here’s another submission to the Sex Survey. It reads: “Is there such a thing as smelling and tasting nice down there? How can I taste smell good on my partner when he goes down on me?”

Angelica: 

Women are not meant to smell like flowers, mango sunset tropical breeze or any of the other creative names that marketing companies use to market products like feminine hygiene sprays, washes, wipes, etc. There’s a whole industry that is built around women’s insecurities and shame around the sense that our bodies hold. The reality is that the sense of a healthy woman’s vulva contains pheromones that are enticing to men, they’re enticing to your partner. And that is not something that you want to dim with the use of heavy fragrances. Because let’s face it, anytime you’re using something that is chemically laced in the vaginal cavity in the vulva area, you are potentially opening yourself up to infection and other things that are just not worth it. Now there are times that certain sense are going to ring the alarm bell and they could signal that you need to see a doctor anytime there is a fishy smell. A smell that is akin to mildew, a smell that is akin to ammonia, of bread like smell all of these are smells that you would want to seek either medical attention for or look to your hygiene routine to see if you can fix it. There are many women that do not go behind after they’ve cleanse their body with water and dry the area. So what happens is after you make a Stenger, you pull your underwear back up, you are actually introducing bacteria into the vaginal cavity and that can create a smell that is a lot like mildew. It’s a very rotten sort of foul odour that has nothing to do with illness that is a high genic issue and it can be solved very simply by using tissue or some other absorbent disposable material to cleanse the area afterwards. Wearing cotton underwear, being sure that you are not wearing clothing that’s too tight. That will cause the release of excess moisture Because the vaginal cavity is naturally moist, it should not be dry. If it’s dry that can signal a different problem or a different stage of life. Perhaps lots of women who are entering into perimenopause or menopause, get experienced fractional dryness. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But the vaginal cavity, by default is naturally moist when you introduce extra moisture, it can lead to an overgrowth of bacteria and bacteria can cause odour. If there’s an ammonia smell that comes from urine or just from a resting phase with the vagina, that could indicate that the diet has to be shifted, perhaps you’re not being hydrated properly. If your urine is especially dark, that could also indicate that you’re not hydrating properly. So again, making sure that you boost internal hydration is going to affect your scent down below your diet absolutely has an effect on how you smell. Also, during different times of your life during different seasons of your life, you might feel as if your sense is stronger than normal. Pregnancy is a time when all of the senses are heightened. And I have had several women who’ve come to me and said, I just don’t smell good down below. And for some of these women, I was doing couples counselling with their partners and their husbands said I don’t smell anything different. So just be aware that there could be times like when you have your period when you are pregnant that you might be sensing that you smell a bit stronger than you did before. And it could literally be all in your head. Another thing to consider is that anytime semen interacts with vaginal fluid and it is not cleanse, immediately or quickly afterwards, that can also cause a smell because one is alkaline one is acidic. And when you mix those two together, it can lead to a smell that can be unpleasant. So again, not necessarily jumping up to make ghosal or take a shower right after you have intercourse. But definitely making sure that you wash your body that you are cleansing the vaginal cavity, allowing the vaginal cavity to release any semen that might have been released during a sex session. That’s extremely important because carrying any of that with you throughout the day, that is definitely going to alter your smell. At the very least, get comfortable with how you smell pillow. Each woman has a sense that is uniquely her own your diet, your weight. And when I say diet, it’s not just what you eat. It’s the types of foods that you eat. If you eat a diet that’s heavy and onions and garlic and other delicious vegetables like that that is going to have an effect on your set. But making sure that you’re properly hydrating yourself can help to mitigate a lot of that and just be confident that whatever your natural scent is it is powerful. It has powerful, attractive qualities and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way that a healthy vagina smells.

Sara: 

Angelica we’ve had a submission to the Sex Survey that reads. What should one do if they feel heartbroken over their husband watching porn? And how do you go about communicating it? Overall, how can I feel better about us again? Is the conversation about porn one that we should have pre marriage.

Angelica: 

We could probably do a whole episode about porn and its damaging effects on marriages, not just Muslim marriages. But marriage in general. Porn gives an inflated sense of confidence to some men in gives a misguided understanding about sexual pleasure and female anatomy. And people are using it as a tool for instruction when in reality porn is highly scripted entertainment. Nothing more. In fact, there are certain things that are a part of the mainstream porn industry that encourage sexual abuse and trauma. And it can absolutely be damaging when a spouse finds out that their partner is indulging in porn. And I’m, I’m being very careful with the words that I’m using here because we often talk about men’s addiction to porn. But I think it’s unfair that we put all of the blame on men. Women are also indulging in this and I’m highlighting that because it It calls out a need in our community for sex education, and my heart goes out to you for being heartbroken about your husband’s engagement and satisfaction, addiction to porn, because it is really a damaging habit. And it’s something that we need to talk about. It’s something that should absolutely come up in the premarital conversation. It can be done very carefully through allele or luquillo. If the man is a member of your family, talking to your father, your brother, your uncle, your cousin, whoever is standing in for you and letting them know that this is an epidemic that is raging through the community right now unseen under the radar. And you really want to talk about this important issue because it can have an effect on intimacy. having that conversation with the person who is standing in as your guardian is really important, because another man may be able to have that conversation in a way that your potential spouse can understand. Now, if you are already married to a man who is indulging in porn, as a regular activity, whether it is for educational purposes, whether it is for entertainment purposes, whether it is to fulfil some sexual need, communication is key. Your feelings matter just as much as his sexual urges to. And I would even go so far as to say the importance of having an authentic, safe and vulnerable space for both physical and emotional intimacy within your marriage is far more important than any temporary sexual need. We have to understand that porn is scripted in a way to reinforce power dynamics between men and women that have no place in Islam. Our Deen is focused on women receiving pleasure just as much, if not more, so, in some cases than men. Porn goes against all of that. And we’re not even going to talk about the fact that porn is a form of entertainment. There’s there’s really no other way around it. And I know that me saying this is going against what a lot of sex experts say a lot of sex experts speak very favourably about porn. I am not one. So I think it’s very important to have this communication. If it’s something that you’re not comfortable talking to your husband about. Possibly bringing in a third party, a marriage counsellor in mm. I would try to seek out someone who’s a bit closer to the relationship and who can keep the

Angelica: 

situation private. Because you don’t want to expose any frailties in your marriage to people who can capitalise on that later, because spiritual abuse in these cases is also a thing. But if you’re heartbroken, please understand that porn It has nothing to do with real women in relationships has nothing to do with Real Men in relationships. These are actors and actresses. These are people performing a role. You are beautiful, you might desirable. You are exactly who you need to be. Do not ever compare yourself to a woman on the screen. And don’t allow your spouse your husband to compare you to a woman on the screen, who’s acting for money, who’s following the script, and who is not showing what healthy sexual dynamics look like. communication, communication, communication is so important. And you can even go so far as to share articles about the damaging effects of porn on relationships, but It is so important that you know, without a doubt that you have every right to feel heartbroken. You have every right to demand, clarity and transparency in your relationship. And you have every right to feel safe and comfortable expressing your needs.

Sara: 

Angelica is someone from the sex surveys asking. I love my husband and our marriage. We’ve been married for two years, but I don’t feel like I’m having the best sex ever. I want to feel while just one time.

Angelica: 

So I’m going to start this answer with a quote that I first heard in high school, I’m not sure who to attribute the quote to. But the quote says, comparison is the thief of joy. And I’m starting there because a lot of newlyweds, a lot of women and men expressed the same sentiment, I’m not having the best sex ever. I’m not having mind blowing sex, I didn’t see stars and moons and fireworks. And the reality is that you may not see stars, you may not see fireworks, and you could still be having the best sex ever for you. sexual response is as individual as fingerprints, the way that people respond in sexual experiences can vary. It can vary based on the time of the month, the time of the year, age, weight, social factors, the best sex that you are having is the sex that you’re having within a halala relationship with a person that you love and trust, that is giving you sexual satisfaction. Now, if you’re not having orgasms, that’s a totally different conversation. And there’s lots of information in previous episodes, and this one that can help both you and your husband have the best sex ever. But if what you’re looking for something wild, but you’ve been comfortable for two years and having sex that’s sort of vanilla or basic what other people call boring, if that’s been getting you what you need. Why change? Now, if you do want to do something, while I am definitely all for that, but I don’t think that we have to necessarily change the routine. If we are getting what we need out of sex, which is satisfaction, togetherness, transparency, vulnerability, closeness to our partners, and you’ve been married for two years, I can tell you that there will be times when sex is boring. And that’s just a fact. Even couples who report having fantastic sex lives will say that sometimes sex is routine. And it doesn’t mean that that’s bad. It can actually signal a good sign in the marriage, because it shows that you’ve reached a comfort level where you don’t always have to bring out the bells and whistles and the toys and roleplay every single time you’re engaged with your partner. But if you want to have wild sex, I suggest that you do two things. The first I highly highly suggest that you purchase and read Habiba Khan days books. The first is a taste of honey. The second is corneas. Habib has laid out really step by step detailed instructions in both books on how to incorporate new techniques that you may not have tried in your marriage. I buy a taste of honey for every newlywed couple that I know that’s within my circle, and they all report just learning things that they didn’t even know existed and can yassa is a tried and true centuries old African technique that is specifically focused on female sexual satisfaction because you know, I love my brothers, but I really don’t care if your husband is having orgasms. I’m worried about you having the time of your life. So that’s the first thing get Habiba calm days books, a taste of honey, and konyaspor the second if you’re comfortable, visit a sex shop with your husband. I’m sure there are lots there in the UK or wherever you’re located. Going into a sex shop is fun, because it opens your eyes up to the variety of tools and techniques and different add ons that can increase the sexual experience. Now if you’re a woman who feels uncomfortable answering the physical sex shop, I frequent them regularly because of my job. I take prevention information they are so I’m pretty comfortable. But if you’re not, there are lots of online shops that can deliver things in the mail discreetly sit with with your partner, don’t select for him or for the both of you sit with your partner and find some things that you want to try that you want to bring into the bedroom, there are so many things that you can incorporate that can give you that wild sex. The last thing and I said there are only two. But there’s a third that I want to add. We have to be open to trying new things, we have to be open to the abandon that you feel when you’re having wild, amazing orgasmic sex. Sometimes when you get to the point of orgasm, it can feel frightening. Your body can clench up, you can feel nervous, you can get butterflies in the pit of your stomach. And some women stop the orgasmic response at that point, just as they are reaching full climax. Some of us are stopping our orgasms before we even orgasm. Because orgasm at times can be scary, it can be a bit painful before you reach that pleasure threshold. So I would encourage you to incorporate breathing techniques, one of the things that women do is sometimes stop breathing right before an orgasm is set to happen. But what an orgasm does is it releases more oxygen into the brain. So if you’re cutting off your oxygen supply, your body is automatically going to go into survival mode, it’s going to be focused on keeping you alive by getting your breath started and then you can lose the orgasmic response. relaxing and breathing into one orgasm has an amazing effects because sometimes if you time it just right. And if the external stimuli is just where it needs to be, you can actually enter into a multi orgasmic wave. It’s like being on a sexual roller coaster, you hit one peak, you go down, you come right back up into another peak. And riding that multi orgasmic wave really depends on trust, openness, breath, and a willingness to have the wildest sex of your dreams. Good luck.

Sara:

“Hey everyone, thanks for reading this week’s episode of Light’s On! with Angelica Lindsey-Ali on the Amaliah podcast. We’d love to get your feedback about what you liked or took away from this episode, so hit us up at  contribute@amaliah.com. You can also find us on Instagram here and on twitter, here! If you enjoy our episodes and want to support our production, you can click here! Like, share, subscribe and we’ll see you on the next one!”

*End of Episode* 

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