We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salaam! I am currently talking to someone for marriage and I would like to know how much you can talk about intimacy before the line is drawn between halal and haram?

Aunt Maya Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for your thoughtful and honest question. Navigating conversations around intimacy with someone you’re considering for marriage can be delicate, but it’s also completely valid. The truth is, there isn’t always a single checklist of what you can and can’t say, it’s about intention, tone, and the stage you’re at in the process.

Intimacy is a huge part of marriage, and it’s only natural that you’d want to know what to expect, especially if you’re having marriage conversations. The line between halal and haram isn’t always in the words themselves, but in what’s driving the conversation, and I understand that can be tricky and confusing to navigate.

Before starting the conversation, take a moment to check in with yourself: What am I actually trying to ask or figure out? Do you want to know their love language? Can they be a tender and generous partner? How open are they to public displays of affection?

You can ease into the conversation with open-ended questions that reflect your needs and expectations, like:

• “How do you show care and affection in a relationship?”
• “What helps you feel emotionally safe with someone?”
• “What do you think makes a healthy intimate relationship?”

As your comfort with each other deepens, you might bring up more direct questions, such as:

• “How important is sex to you in a marriage?”
• “Would you be open to talking to a therapist if we ever faced sexual challenges we couldn’t resolve on our own?”
• “Do you have any concerns or fears in this area you’d want to talk about before marriage?”
• “Have you had any kind of sex education and understanding of anatomy, menstruation, contraception, etc.”

You might also want to discuss certain aspects of sexual health practically, like both having STI testing, which is a completely reasonable part of drawing boundaries and protecting your health. You need to know if someone is willing to grow with you, if they’ll honour your emotional and physical safety, and approach intimacy with care and ihsan.

Also, consider what physical affection means to you. For example, how important are gestures like holding hands? If someone says they dislike being touched in general, that might be something to seriously reflect on. You could even take a love languages quiz and share your results to better understand each other’s preferences.

As you ask these questions, pay attention to how they respond, not just their words, but their tone and body language. If the conversation completely puts them off, it might be a sign you’re not aligned in values or emotional readiness. These conversations usually happen later in the relationship, when there’s already a sense of trust and safety.

These kinds of conversations can help reveal emotional maturity, sincerity, and how someone might show up for you in a relationship. Listen closely: Do they reflect with care, or deflect with humour? Do they respect your comfort, or try to push your boundaries?

It is also important to remember that a person with sincere intentions won’t steer the conversation into graphic territory or try to test your boundaries under the guise of honesty. If someone starts using sexualised language, asks for photos, or pushes you to overshare — that’s a red flag. And if that happens, it is okay to prioritise your self-respect and walk away.

If things progress and you’re both demonstrating mutual care and respect, you could also share that, for women, feeling emotionally secure outside the bedroom is key to building connection within it, which is why building emotional intimacy is as important as physical one.

There’s an Amaliah piece on Muslim sex educators that’s worth reading. I’d also recommend following Angelica Lindsey-Ali, known as The Village Aunty,  who brings faith, cultural sensitivity and practical wisdom into the conversation. Learning for yourself doesn’t just inform you — it helps you lead these conversations with confidence and care.

And finally, don’t forget to make du’a. Ask Allah ﷻ for clarity, for protection, for ease. May He place you in a marriage full of trust and tenderness, where intimacy is a space of connection. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.