Another Valentine’s Day has passed, and Prince Charming hasn’t knocked on the door. The wedding season is beginning, and Aladdin’s carpet hasn’t appeared at the window. Your friends are finding love online, and you might be thinking, “Where is my future husband? Could he be hiding on a dating app? Surely there’s one good person who is a match amongst the millions?”

For many, Muslim dating apps have helped them find their person. Muzz estimates that their app has led to around 500,000 marriages, and Salams estimates another 300,000 marriages. New apps are popping up every day, even with the backing of Shuyookh like Mufti Menk. However, whilst the apps can be a means that Allah uses to introduce people to their destined spouse, as someone who has used them on and off for five years, it personally concerns me that there is so much marketing for these dating apps and little to no discussion about who should be using these dating apps, how to safeguard vulnerable users and how to know if you yourself are emotionally, mentally and religiously ready to be using them.

When I look back at my own story, I know that I wasn’t, and yet it was destined for me to learn through my experiences. I’m now sharing them with you, so that maybe you’ll draw lessons and reflection points from them too.

“Where are all the Muslim men?”

At 22 years old, I was young, shy and quite sheltered. I had met fewer ‘potentials’ than I could count on one hand. Growing up in a predominantly white area, there weren’t many Muslim men around, and even fewer from my culture. The dream of meeting the love of my life at university didn’t quite go to plan either, thanks to Covid. With this in mind, I boldly announced to my mum that I had downloaded a Muslim dating app and was speaking to a man with the genuine intention of marriage.

My parents, who believed you find your husband through family introductions or find love at university, were not impressed. I tried explaining that there were no real potentials I had met and that family introductions had thus far felt awkward, and no one was compatible. My parents still believed I should wait. They tried explaining that even if I were to move to Antarctica, Allah ﷻ would send my man on His timing, and I would never be hidden from my naseeb (my destined spouse). So, whilst other friends were dealing with family pressure to get married, in my case, it was the opposite, as I was the impatient one.

I told my parents I was afraid that if I didn’t put in any effort, I might end up old and regretful that I didn’t try, and despite being unconvinced, my parents supported my decision.

After just two “halal dates” with a potential match, my mum met him for the first time over coffee. Nine months later, it all ended in heartbreak. Looking back, I realise now that I wasn’t ready for marriage. I still had a lot of self-development to do as I didn’t fully understand who I was or what I wanted clearly. I had been searching for love, hoping to fill a void, which makes it easy to overlook red flags and compromise on what truly matters to you.

During Ramadan, I found out that the man I was now very attached to was not as practising as he said he was. I knew I had to let this relationship go, but I was afraid. I kept doubting myself, wondering if it was judgemental or arrogant to leave because of this. I now know that it’s absolutely okay, even encouraged, to have standards for a potential partner in terms of their deen.

I was afraid I would never find someone I felt I loved as much again. But Allah, the Most Merciful, the Guider of Hearts, was with me. I prayed istikhara, asking for courage to leave if it was best for me, and things ended very shortly after.

I learned from this experience that Allah sometimes places intuition in your heart, and it’s important to distinguish it from anxiety or worry.

It took me a year and a half after the breakup to even think of love again and truly move on. Soon after, I received an invitation from Allah to perform Umrah, which healed my heart in many ways. Of course, I prayed for a husband. A month later, I met him. Less than 6 months later, as in our tradition, his father asked for my father’s blessing to get married, so we were engaged. A year later, we were planning our wedding. Two months before the wedding, after an argument about the wedding plans, he ghosted me and my parents, and it became clear that I was wrong and he couldn’t be the answer to my prayer.

After a month and a half of silence, my ex-fiance sent an insulting message to end things. Needless to say, the relationship was already over for me, and I made peace with the fact that we might never speak again. However, I was deeply hurt and needed to process everything to make sense of the experience and what Allah wanted me to learn from it. So I spoke to my therapist and unpacked the reasons why I chose this man and stayed so long despite having seen multiple red flags early on.

There are a lot of things I learnt in therapy, probably the most important of which is that we don’t choose what we want, we choose what we are used to or feel we deserve, unless we have healed the traumas from our past.

For example, if you are someone who chases people who don’t show you love and commitment, somewhere in your past maybe you learned that love needed to be earned, so you struggle to accept love that comes easily, and choose people who make you work to be loved. Or if you’re someone who chooses people who get angry easily, maybe it’s because that kind of behaviour feels familiar—something you saw growing up—so it’s what you’ve come to believe relationships look like. Logically, you would never say that you want an angry man, but subconsciously, you might be choosing the familiarity of feeling on edge over the unfamiliar feeling of feeling safe.

Therapy helped me to understand why I had made poor choices and been left heartbroken multiple times. I also found spiritual meaning in my past through therapy because I could see Allah teaching me valuable things through these hard situations. I finally managed to donate my wedding dress to charity on New Year’s Eve, 3 months after the planned wedding date, and I truly felt grateful that Allah saved me from marrying the wrong person.

A true romantic at heart, I didn’t give up on the idea of love. With a new year and a will to not let this experience hold me back, I decided to download the apps again, telling myself that I wouldn’t stay traumatised. After therapy and adjusting my standards, I was clearer on what I wanted, and I felt ready. Despite all the hardships, part of me held onto hope that maybe, just maybe, the right one was out there and that maybe the next match I made would be the one. After so much heartbreak, part of me wanted to meet him there, as though it was consolation for the hardship I had endured. I was seeking a full circle moment.

I prayed istikhara and also felt compelled to pray for the courage to delete the apps forever if I wasn’t meant to find my husband this way.

The Moment of Epiphany

After another failed connection, it all clicked – the apps were not working for me because I was searching for people that Allah had never wanted me to find. It gave me the profound realisation that maybe because of that, I was also belittling the people He did bring into my life naturally. These are the people that Allah handpicked to be in my life, and each one was there for a special reason. What I mean to say is not that I wasn’t destined to meet the men I spoke to, but that they were never ‘potentials’.

The dating apps sometimes lead to a mentality that maybe the next match is your destiny, and if you’re on a break, you might feel like you are prolonging the time it takes to meet your partner, as they might be on the app waiting for you. However, after my experiences, I now don’t have the fear of missing out at all. I know my husband isn’t on them, and that even if he is, I’m not destined to meet him in this way.

I might be destined to meet him at an art gallery, on a mountain in Peru or walking in my local park. Whatever the story is, I have faith that Allah will send him into my life at the right moment and in a way that’s far more beautiful than I have ever imagined.

So, how do you know if the apps are beneficial for you?

Every single person using the apps or thinking of downloading the apps should reflect on whether they are ready and also pray istikhara. Remember that Allah has written your story already. The Prophet ﷺ said, “The pens have been lifted, and the pages have dried.” (Tirmidhi)

It is true that duas can change destiny, but it is also okay if the apps are not a part of yours. Once you accept this, you free yourself from false hope and a fear of missing out, and if it is meant for you, then you are less burdened by worry.

I would also recommend reflecting on yourself and why you are seeking a partner. Are you mature enough to protect yourself from the risks of using the apps?

10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Downloading a Dating App

Do I have a clear idea of what I’m looking for in a partner?
Do I understand my religious and moral values and standards, and am I sure I won’t compromise on them for love?
Can I honestly say that I am not searching for a partner to fill a hole in my heart?
Am I healed enough from previous heartbreaks to meet someone new?
Can I be honest about how I feel, or do I bottle things up?
Do I know how to reject someone if they aren’t really what I want?
Am I secure enough not to have my confidence shaken if I am rejected?
Can I really see myself getting married within a reasonable time frame? Am I ready?
Am I aware of my own flaws, and am I willing to work on them to be a better potential partner?
Do I trust that Allah’s choice for me will be the best, even if that means I might not get exactly what I want?

With prayer, reflection and the courage to be truly honest with yourself, if the apps are part of your love story, I pray that your experience is beautiful and full of ease. And for those who feel a quiet intuition that it’s not for you, or that you’re not quite ready, trust that Allah will bring your partner into your life at the perfect timing, and that He might be working on you, shaping you to be the best version of yourself for your future partner.

With Allah, we do not need anything else as He has made us whole! May Allah bless you all with spouses and families that are the coolness of your eyes, bring blessings through the apps if they are part of your story, and protect you from any harm along the way. Ameen.

Layyane Younes

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