A cleansing was desperately needed post election from hell. I needed a detox of Trump, a DeTrump if you will. I housed this toxic animosity for this man I didn’t know on a personal level and it consumed my life. Reading articles about the filth he wants to implement, feeling the communal divide he is creating, and resorting to hopelessness as his team and his agenda bullies the constitutional rights of the people, of us. Waking up to this helpless sensation and going to bed knowing my kids had a terrible example of a leader was mentally draining, to say the least. I feared many things, having to prove my self-worth as a woman of color was at the top of my list. Then I had to pull the handbrake on these downward spiraling thoughts. Why was I allowing this atrocious man power over my psyche? Why did I allow him to penetrate the peace in my mind and unsettle the foundation of tolerance and acceptance of my home? I stopped to think through to the root of my notion of vulnerability in relation to the political spectrum foreshadowing the social arena.

It is unfortunate that our leader is an unclassified specimen. Part human, part animal- all, highly unqualified, imbecile. What ends up happening when power is in the hands of the disgustingly misogynistic is that people begin to think it’s ok to let an inappropriate comment slide, citizens of this country began to equate disrespect with a dogmatic keeping in check. His open, subhuman objectification of women and his blatant hatred for foreign beings tactfully becomes the norm and this becomes a humanitarian crisis, so vocalizing your dismay with policy and social situations is ok, vital even. Speak it, demand it, make people uncomfortable. Ask the imperative questions, interrogate the understated implications and stand to oppose that which rocks your internal stability. Upon mindful contemplation, I realized that the threat I felt also stemmed from old insecurities, those uninvited guests who like to show up and squeeze through past the entrance, into your safe space.

One of my biggest insecurities for the longest time was being in my own skin. There was a time in my life when I let someone tell me who I was and who I wasn’t. I let someone make me feel like a tiny speck of nothingness. I didn’t believe in anything I said because I was worthless, I had no value. I lost myself over time. I lost my drive, I lost the eye to see beauty in things, I lost my confidence to the affliction of constant judgment. Digging out those unnecessary words, unhealthy phrases, and negative affiliations we have linked to ourselves over the years is a painful, lengthy necessary process. It took me a while to go from there to learning to walk again and further on a road to a place called ‘indestructible.’ The process wasn’t easy and I’m still growing but what helped was borrowing the energies of those very close friends who remind you of your forgotten vigor. 

Women tend to internalize everything, especially words- positive and, more dangerously, negative. We internalize things that impact us and those are the things that create the episodic moments of vulnerability. Our fears are solidified by our own doing. We subconsciously look for triggers to reinforce that idea, and it does not help that our social culture fuels those vulnerabilities as we allow these external factors to prey on it. As women, there is also a huge divide within ourselves, which sometimes is family oriented.

There is still this direct affiliation with women and domestic duties and so struggling with the balance of self-growth, parenting, and defining ourselves against the backdrop of stigma and constant judgment is an uphill battle. The struggle is very personal and it becomes a public issue as we are forced to validate, and substantiate ourselves in the ‘real’ world. Trump is the sum of faces of too many people hell-bent on cutting your oxygen supply. The fight against it is exhaustingly never-ending. Choosing to shift focus from CNN news headlines to daily, weekly, and monthly acts of kindness and volunteer work helps to keep integrity at the forefront of my life even thought it may not be on Washington’s list. No action goes uncounted, no effort goes to waste.