I know things seem scary right now, I know it seems like it is too late, I know you may feel like you have put yourself in difficulty like there is no way out like you can’t breathe because you feel stifled by your own choices. I know it feels like there is a weight on your shoulders and chest like you have put EVERYONE at such a disadvantage, that you have wasted everyone’s time planning and paying for your wedding. But please know that you have not. O you who reads this: please know that you have the right to say NO at any time, any day, under any circumstance. Your freedom and happiness do not have a price if you feel unsure about the man you are about to marry if you can count the red flags on your hand if it is even something as subtle as your soul feeling uncomfortable. Do not under any circumstances second guess yourself, second guess whether you’re just nervous or have wedding jitters. Give yourself the right over your body, and future to make the right decision for YOU. Is he the one?
When making a decision about marriage, often too many factors come into the fold that shouldn’t.
What will my in-laws think of me?
How will society view me as a single older woman?
Will people judge me for taking it too far and cancelling last minute?
Do I come across as flaky? Am I flaky?
Am I putting my family through difficulty?
Will they resent me for making them spend time and money on something that turned out to be fruitless?
Will I never be asked for marriage again?
Will I be sidelined when proposals come for the inconvenience we have caused?
These questions swirl around your mind like two vicious eels in a pool of grey cloud. This is ultimately shaytan. Marrying the wrong person, though it happens, is not something that should occur merely because you have already sent out the wedding invites, nor because you feel like you will never meet your naseeb. Pressure from family or friends into marrying someone you are not attracted to, who you do not feel financially supported by, who mocks you, or makes you feel bad about your physical appearance or intellect, or someone you just simply don’t like massively. Is toxic for your life in this world and the next. When picking a partner you must look so far beyond long-term, I’m talking forever, you are picking the one whose soul will accompany you from this world on earth for the next 80 years, to beyond the ground into the next life. That life lasts FOREVER. Think deeply about that for a second, all those people who you may be appeasing now, won’t be around then, all of society and its jarring rules about how a woman should live her life, won’t matter. It will be you and him, forever and ever, is he the one?
You are enough. You a creation of Allah (SWT) so perfect there is no other like you on this planet. This simple fact alone makes you incredibly special, unique, and valuable. You are a woman with a mind, dreams, ideals, with love to give, strong bones to transport you around this earth, smooth skin, eyes that peer through life’s turmoils and sees beauty. You are not, what society defines you as, you are not your age, you are not what you look like, you are not how many kids you have, you are not how many divorces you have endured, you are not the widow, you are not the undesirable, you are not the poor, you are not gullible, you are not your achievements, you are not your accomplishments. You are a soul dwelling in a body gifted by God, that lives through circumstances that were destined for you, those circumstances must not be mapped on your skin for everyone to see, like a tattoo of shame, a bumper sticker to define how worthy you are of a soul mate. You should not have to settle, because your community deemed you unworthy of love or loving. Is he the one?
Don’t deny those feelings that surge through your body after istikhara on your prayer mat, the ones they tell you-you’re being insecure, or emotional. Every feeling is from Allah ultimately, He permits all thoughts good or bad, so understand there is a hikma in them. This is not a letter to talk you out of your marriage, to talk you out of being with someone truly wonderful, or to discount the value of the family unit in a world designed to break it down, to weaken the believer. But a family unit cannot be strong if it is built on corrupted foundations, a man who does not value that he is a guiding force of his family must set the tone for your children to raise boys who will become men who will honour women, honour their word, fight for justice even if it means fighting against themselves. Raise girls who are believers with compassion, mercy, and strength. In a world plagued with those who wish to dilute the message of Islam, lie about it, and create discord and fear, your husband must match you at your level. With integrity, faith, knowledge, truth, justice, the ability to carry his family on his back, and love. Do not lower these standards, for any human, no matter who tells you to lower them, for living on your own with these values, is far better than living in the company of someone who possesses none of them, or at least isnt even trying to. Let’s be better, demand excellence by being excellent, and rely solely on Allah for your fairytale outcome. Is he the one?
It is never too late to pull out of a life you didn’t sign up for.