This piece was written in reflection to close friends experiencing abuse in marriage. I wrote the piece after some of my dearest childhood friends ended up in abusive and toxic marriages. As an empath, it broke my heart and affected me mentally to the point where I couldn’t sleep properly for months. I tried to find solutions to their problems, but I realised it isn’t always simple to leave these types of marriages. I also read the horror stories on various Facebook groups for mothers and every story shattered me. What I realised is that, it’s important to prevent women from ever entering these toxic marriages by ensuring rights are met at the start of a spousal search. No doubt, it isn’t always straightforward to filter out unsuitable men as some people are forced and pressured into marriages. However, I believe if even one person were to read the article and it made them think or reassess their marriage criteria then this would be a small positive step in protecting women against marital abuse. 

Marrying your true love is an exciting chapter of life. It is the epitome of tranquillity, peace and comfort that humanity craves so deeply. The thought of two independent souls united through the holy state of matrimony with mutual love, respect and commitment brings me so much joy. I love the radiant facial glow of couples both young and old who are truly happy and in complete love. Love is the single greatest emotion that connects people together. When you have a similar spiritual, emotional, intellectual and mental capacity as your significant other, mountains become tiny humps and harsh waves appear as Zamzam water drops. That’s not to say there won’t be any challenges, but you will overcome any hardships as a team. 

How can we find a compatible spouse who will love us and journey with us through life’s many trials and heartache?

How can we find an equal who will hold our hand and bring us solitude and calmness after a long day at the office?

How can we find our happily ever after?

The answer is very simple. Before you conduct lengthy background checks and converse with a potential spouse to see if your character and personality traits align, it’s paramount you ensure the suitor is eligible to marry. Marriage is a legally binding contract – whether you marry legally or/and Islamically, it is a contract between the state or/and God. The step of checking marriage eligibility is similar to making sure an employee is a suitable candidate for a role at your firm. When hiring someone, you need to examine if the candidate has all the relevant qualifications, work experience, good character and references to qualify as an employee. Similarly, when you intend to marry someone, there are conditions from the Qur’an and sunnah which a man must meet before he can put a ring on your finger.

What are these conditions?

1. The prospective spouse must have a stable enough job in order to provide private accommodation for you and cover yours and your future children’s expenses. [Mukhtasar al-quduri]
2. The prospective spouse mustn’t prevent you from going to the Mosque or to study. He mustn’t stop you from worshipping God through prayer and fasting – even if he does not pray himself. He must possess sufficient emotional stability to control his anger – as anger is detrimental to a peaceful family life. [Bukhari]

If the prospective spouse meets these requirements – you should make sure he is able to fulfil your rights. As with any contract, there are rights and responsibilities laid down by state or Islamic law and marriage is no different. 

What are the rights of a wife?

1. The husband must pay a dowry (mahr) to his wife. The amount of money should be what the norm is for women of a similar status in society. He can pay part of it upfront, and part of it later but it must be paid and cannot be taken back. The wife has the right to refuse sexual intercourse if the dowry is not paid. Allah SWT says in the Quran, “And give to the women (whom you marry) their mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart…” [Qur’an 4:4]
2. The husband must provide his wife with independent accommodation. What does this encompass? A private bedroom, kitchen and bathroom – it’s a place where the wife is free to remove all her clothing and it must be separate from her family home or her husband’s family home. [Bukhari, k. Al-jumu’ah, b. Hal’ala man lam yashhad al-jumu’ah ghuslan]

In essence, a studio flat would suffice. With the cost-of-living crisis we are currently facing, it is understandable that not every man would be able to provide his wife with a studio flat at minimum. If a man is unable to afford a studio flat in areas where the rent or house price is high e.g London, he could relocate to a more affordable place if his circumstances allow. If a woman is unhappy with a studio flat and wants to live in a more spacious/luxurious home, she can contribute towards the difference. What’s essential is that the husband is able to afford at least a studio flat and is willing to pay for it.

If a wife wishes to live with her husband’s family, there will be no sin upon her husband. Living with the in-laws can work greatly for some people, and if a couple is happy with this arrangement, then there is no harm. If at any point, she decides she wants to move out, her husband must make arrangements for that. A husband must intervene if there is any ounce of oppression towards his wife, he must support her and resolve conflict harmoniously. 

3. The husband must provide food for his wife. This right may be fulfilled in three ways: the husband can buy groceries and the wife may use it to cook herself food. If she does not want to cook food, he may cook food for her. If she is not happy with his cooking, then he must give her money so she can buy food for herself. Most jurists across all the madhahib are in agreement that it is the husband’s duty to provide food and not the wife’s. The meals must include: meat once a week, dessert after every meal, some fruits, bread and oil to add taste to the food. This can be tailored if the wife has different food preferences. (Ibn Nujaym, al-Bahr al-Ra’iq)
4. The husband must pay all the bills (electricity, gas, water etc). (Ibn Nujaym, al-Bahr al-Ra’iq)

Although the price of bills has risen significantly, it is still the husband’s duty to pay them.

5. The husband must provide his wife with feminine hygiene products. These include: shampoo, body lotion, shower gel and a monthly hammam visit post-menstruation. (Ibn Nujaym, al-Bahr al-Ra’iq)  
6. The husband must pay for all expenses during his wife’s pregnancy and childbirth. (Ibn Nujaym, al-Bahr al-Ra’iq)
7. The husband must provide his wife with clothes. Ibn Nujaym says the husband must provide new clothes every six months (for summer and winter). He must provide the following: two long kamees, two headscarves, a thin overcoat, trousers, two pairs of shoes and a coat. If the wife wants silk clothing, the husband must provide it. (Ibn Nujaym, al-Bahr al-Ra’iq)

Shaykh Akram Nadwi comments that providing clothes every six months is a guideline and the type and amount of clothing varies depending on need and what type of clothing a wife wears. He also mentions if a woman doesn’t want new clothing every six months, he doesn’t need to provide it.

8. The husband must provide his wife a bed with bedding for sleeping and a chair and a sofa to sit on during the day. These items become her property. His wife doesn’t have to offer her bed to guests when they come to visit if she doesn’t want to. Ibn Nujaym comments on this, ‘Some husbands are so mean that sometimes they use the furniture of their wives and sometimes they allow guests to use the furniture of their wives (without her permission).’ (Ibn Nujaym, al-Bahr al-Ra’iq)
9. The husband must provide accommodation and cover the wife’s servants expenses if she has one. Abu Hanifa says, “If the wife has a servant pre-marriage, then the husband must provide accommodation and expenses for the servant.” Abu Yusuf, Abu Hanifa’s student, comments, “If the wife has two servants, then the husband must cover accommodation and living expenses for both.” (al-Kasani, Bada’i al-sana’i)
10. Housework is the responsibility of the husband; he can do it himself or hire someone to complete it. His wife may do it if she wants, and this will be an act of charity on her behalf. (Bukhari, k. Al-salah, b. man kana fi hajati ahlihi)

Hiring a house helper is common in some societies such as the gulf region, where it is more affordable compared to the UK. If a husband cannot afford to hire help for cleaning and cooking, he may live in a compact property so there’s less to clean. He may decide to cook simpler foods in the oven or a pressure cooker if he doesn’t have much time to cook before or after work.  

If a wife wishes to contribute financially or if she wishes to cook, she can and this will be a great act of charity. This must however be her own wish, she must not be pressured or forced into doing so.

It is clear by the above-mentioned responsibilities of a husband that marriage is not easy. Marriage is an act of worship that requires much effort. Men must meet the conditions of marriage and be able to fulfil their marital responsibilities. 

Once you have found a man who is able to fulfil your rights, you should then learn about his character, personality and goals. You can consider whether you have a similar mindset and envision a similar future. It is also important that you are physically attracted to your potential spouse. Unfortunately, people engage in long discussions with a suitor, speaking on topics that will determine compatibility without ensuring the man in question even qualifies for marriage. It is vital you only consider a man for marriage if he is financially able to provide you with private accommodation – it is your God-given right and not a favour. Allah SWT says in the Quran: “Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially.” (Qur’an 4:34) Allah SWT has given men this financial responsibility – it’s in the nature of men to be a household leader and support their wife and children. Some people question what a wife is supposed to do with her time if it is not her responsibility to support the family financially nor do the housework. She is free to do the following:

1. To work and spend her earnings as she wishes

2. To study 

3. To raise her children

4. To engage in charity work

5. To complete housework (if she wishes to)

So many women throughout Islamic history have built mosques and schools – as women don’t have financial responsibility, they’re able to spend their income on these incredible projects.

Marriage isn’t only governed by laws but by Ihsan (striving for excellence) too. Couples should thrive in mutual respect, love and kindness.

The Prophet  ﷺsaid, “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Tirmidhi; Ibn Majah).

Allah SWT clearly states the importance of kind treatment in the Qur’an, “O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the dowry you have given them. On the contrary, live with them in kindness and equity.” (Qur’an 4:19)

I hope this guide serves as a useful tool in your spousal search. It is important for women to reclaim their rights to protect themselves from potential oppression. Men who are able and willing to fulfil your rights with love, will never intentionally oppress you. A man who fears God, will never harm you and will honour your rights. Every woman is worthy of finding a good man – a man who will treat you as a human being by fulfilling your rights and never abusing nor oppressing you.  

May Allah SWT guide us towards righteous spouses, who will fulfil our rights, love us, protect us and never oppress us. When you fear there’s no one suitable out there for you – remember the comforting words of your Lord, “Good men are for good women and good women are for good men.” (Qur’an 24:26) Trust in God, make the effort to seek a God-fearing partner, have patience and make dua. Your high calibre husband will find you – respect yourself, love yourself, understand your worth and God-willing, true love will be yours.

---

Please note the views are that of the Hanafi madhab

---

References

1. Mukhtasar al-quduri by Aḥmad ibn Muḥammad Qudūrī
2. Sahih al-bukhari by Muḥammad ibn Ismā’īl al-Bukhārī
3. Al bahr al-raiq by Ibn Nujaym al-Hanafi
4. Bada’I al-sana’I by Imam al-Kasani
5. Al-Tirmidhi by Al-Tirmidhi

Sunan Ibn Majah by Ibn Majah