We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

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Salam Aunt Maya. We recently went to a big family wedding filled with music and qawwali and everyone celebrated together. But afterwards, my 15-year-old son came to me looking worried. He told me he’d heard in the masjid that music is haram and asked why there was so much of it at the wedding, especially since we’re practising Muslims. I was caught off guard. He’s at that age where he’s exploring his faith, wanting clear answers, and I just wasn’t sure how to guide him or explain the nuances. How do you handle these tough conversations with teens who are trying to make sense of it all? I don’t want to confuse him but also want him to understand that Islam has room for different opinions so he shouldn’t judge anyone. Would love some guidance. JazakAllah Khayr!

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for reaching out. It’s great that your son feels comfortable enough to ask you about something that’s been bothering him. You should take a moment to reflect that as a mother you have raised a son curious about the deen and a clear willingness to engage with it, which I am sure is something you would have looked forward to, though it may come with challenges and difficult conversations! This is such an important stage in his life, and having open conversations like these can make all the difference as he navigates through many situations in the years to come.

When talking to teens about matters of faith, it’s always good to start by acknowledging and appreciating their curiosity. You could say something like, “I’m glad you’re asking questions and thinking about your faith. This is exactly what we’re encouraged to do—seek knowledge and try to understand things for ourselves.” This will help him feel supported and reassured that it is okay to question things and ask when something confuses him. 

Try to encourage open and honest conversations by creating a space where he feels comfortable expressing his thoughts without fear of judgment. When you listen actively and ask thoughtful questions, it can help him reflect on why he feels a certain way and encourage him to think critically and explore his values.

Take this opportunity to speak to him about differences he may come across between people, it’s worth explaining that, regardless of religious opinion, he will meet people in his life who practice their faith differently or live lifestyles that don’t align with his worldview. The key is learning to be respectful and appreciate that others may live differently. Cultivating this mindset will help him hold onto his values while respecting that people make different choices. 

At this age it is great that he has a clear interest and wants to practice the deen. This will also be a good conversation to make him think about his set of values and how to hold onto them vs. judging others as it will not be the first or last time he will come across something that may conflict with his own values. 

When it comes to topics like music, it’s helpful to explain that Islam allows for differing opinions based on the school of thought. Some scholars believe music is haram, citing certain hadiths, while others believe it can be permissible depending on the context. For example, if it does not lead to sinful behaviour or distract you from obligations like salah. The Prophet ﷺ didn’t forbid all music—there were times when people played instruments like the daff during celebrations, especially at weddings.

It’s important to explain that the key is to make choices that bring us closer to Allah. You can discuss with your son the school of thought you follow, and your reasoning for it and perhaps look up what it says about music. Let him know that it’s okay to engage with and explore different views. Emphasise that there’s no one-size-fits-all answer and that the focus should always be on what nurtures his connection with Allah.

It’s also a good opportunity to remind him of the importance of adab (etiquette) when discussing others’ choices. Just because someone listens to music or attends a wedding with music doesn’t make them a bad person. We’re all on different paths, and Allah is the best judge of us all. Nurture a sense of understanding in him that not everyone will live or believe the same way he does. Help him appreciate that while others may make choices different from his, he can still approach these differences with respect and kindness. This balance will allow him to hold firmly to his values while developing empathy and connection with the people around him.

You may even want to share your own relationship with music to open up a conversation, and you can talk to him about how he may navigate this e.g. a person might decide not to listen to music in their own life but can still understand that others enjoy it. They might find themselves in communal settings, such as a friend’s car, where music is playing, and that’s okay for them—they can participate respectfully without compromising their values. How they choose to practice in their own private life remains a personal decision.

Reassure him that faith is a journey, and it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. What matters is his intention to seek knowledge and grow closer to Allah. Remind him that the Prophet ﷺ said, “For whomever Allah wants good, he gives him understanding in the religion.” (Tirmidhi).

Encourage him to keep learning, make dua for guidance, and trust that Allah will continue to guide him. You might even suggest making dua together, such as,

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْهُدَى وَالتُّقَى وَالْعَفَافَ وَالْغِنَى

Allāhumma innī as’alukal-hudā wat-tuqā, wal-`afāfa wal-ghinā

“O Allah, indeed, I ask You for guidance, piety, chastity, and sufficiency.” (Tirmidhi)

Keep the conversation open and honest, and continue to seek knowledge. May Allah guide both of you in this journey of understanding. Ameen.

Love + duas,

Aunt Maya

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