We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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I had an arranged marriage, and the guy seemed really nice. Good family, very understanding. My husband is really good to me, and I have no issues with our marriage in general. But recently I found out he has a huge, huge debt which will take years to pay. I can’t help but feel cheated and a sense of injustice, as this is not something I expected, and I’m just struggling to come to terms with it. I am also worried about this from the perspective of deen given the interest on the debt and the implications of that.  I’m really lost. I feel it’s so unfair as the expectation is to be a supportive wife, but if this was disclosed in the process of getting to know each other, I wouldn’t have entered this marriage.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It must have come as a complete shock, and I really feel for the difficult situation you are in. Financial issues and disagreements can cause a significant strain on any marriage. 

It seems like a really tough situation, especially knowing that you wouldn’t have agreed to this. There are two parts to your dilemma that need to be dealt with in different ways.

His dishonesty is its own issue, and no matter the situation, he should have been upfront with you. Trust is something that will need to be reestablished to move forward.

The first conversation to be had is about the lack of disclosure. You’ve mentioned he is an otherwise good husband, so there must be a reason why this wasn’t disclosed. Whilst there are prohibitions around interest, sometimes people fall into it unwillingly, simply because we live in a capitalist system that is built on credit and debt. Did he feel shame, fear, or was it family pressure? Once you know why this happened, it might help you decide what your next steps should be. 

This is also a space for you to share how this has made you feel, the sense of injustice and the lack of trust it has brought up for you. It is important that he knows how you feel about the situation and the weight it has on you. The response you get to this will impact how you feel towards him about the situation. If he is defensive instead of taking accountability, it could be difficult to get to a place of understanding. 

The second matter is what happens now that it has been disclosed. The burden of this debt may be weighing heavily on him, too, and if your marriage is otherwise happy, then you might want to have a conversation about how you can be there for each other emotionally despite you being hurt by his lack of honesty. 

Next, you need to get a clearer picture of the situation. Explain to him calmly that if he expects you to be supportive, then you first need to know where the money went, exactly how much is owed, who it’s owed to, what the interest rate is, and what the repayment plan looks like. Does he have a plan to make sure this doesn’t happen again? It’s helpful to speak to a financial advisor or a debt charity. They can explain what options you have, help you understand how to manage the debt, create a payment plan that works for you, and set goals so you have a clear timeline for becoming debt-free. Explain to him that rebuilding trust requires actions, and not just words.

If this debt has arisen from a difficult relationship with money, then it might be important to address the root cause of this problem. Couples counselling can help with communication, but because he’s the one who got into this situation, individual therapy could be just as effective. He needs to understand why he felt okay hiding something this major from someone he was getting married to, especially given the Islamic responsibility placed on husbands as providers. 

It might also be worth considering how this might impact other aspects of your life, both individually and together as a couple. Will this influence when and if you decide to have children or make other decisions like buying a house together? Making sure you have discussed all the implications of this may be vital for being able to move forward together.

Next, you need to decide how you want to proceed. If you don’t want to help him pay off his debt, can you involve an elder of the family or a trusted imam to help you have that conversation with him? Perhaps an intermediary can make him realise that it is not your responsibility, and you shouldn’t have to make debt repayments if you don’t want to.

Speak to a trusted imam with your husband about your situation and your worries around interest. Understanding the actual fiqh around money matters together as a couple can be quite beneficial and help you make better decisions in the future, inshaAllah. May Allah ﷻ protect you from debt and interest, grant you barakah and make things easy for you. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.