We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salaam Aunt Maya, Thank you for taking the time to read this. I wanted to ask about something that I am not sure has a solution, but feels painful. I am 34 years old, and although there are male figures in my life, I feel like none of them takes any sense of guardianship over me as mahrams. It feels quite painful, sad and isolating. I see other friends and how small acts like their brother being concerned about them and going out of their way to pick them up late, or their Dad having taken an active role in guiding their deen, shows me what a mahram can look like that cares about your emotional, spiritual, physical and financial safety. I think it feels more painful because they are here but not present. 

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Firstly, thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. I am so sorry to hear that you feel you don’t have the strong guardian presence in your life that others around you may have. I can absolutely understand how that would feel painful and isolating, especially if you see those close to you experiencing that dynamic with their brothers or fathers. 

It can also feel confusing to wonder why your mahrams are not fulfilling these duties towards you. However, please know that this is not a reflection of you or your worth. It could be an indication of something they need to work on within themselves, or that a shift of perspective is needed to be able to cope with these feelings of neglect or loneliness. This issue impacts a lot of women, especially in our modern times, when our society isn’t necessarily built around the idea that men should fulfil that role in the lives of their daughters or sisters well into adulthood.  

Firstly, ask yourself – is there something that is actively preventing them from providing this care for you? Are they consumed with other matters or obligations, which means they are unable to be the kind of present, involved mahram you yearn for? This could be anything from health issues to gruelling work schedules, money problems to education commitments. Or, there might be competing demands, such as responsibilities for younger children or caring for relatives, to take into account. This may not be easy, and it is an exercise that you will need to be honest with yourself about. If it’s the case that your mahrams are simply not able to do the things that others are, this may be a painful realisation, but it is one that you will need to come to terms with in order to move past it and see other avenues of guidance and support that Allah ﷻ has placed in your life. Allah only takes to give us something better in its place, so if your mahrams can’t do what you wish they could right now, then inshaAllah something better is written for you instead.

It could be the case that Allah has sent support and protection to you in other forms – ones that you might not even have noticed. This could come in the form of rizq, such as a job that provides for you without you needing to rely on others, or in the form of other friends, family and a community who check in on you and care about your safety and wellbeing. It might also be a source of comfort for you to lean on the networks of friends and family that you have built around yourself, to remind yourself that not having present mahrams doesn’t mean that you are entirely alone in the world and that the other relationships you have in life hold meaning too. 

If, however, you establish that they are actually able, in this season of life, to fulfil that role for you, then the best thing you can do is communicate honestly and openly with them. Set your intention with Allah that you wish to gently guide and encourage your male family figures into becoming proper mahrams for you – both for your benefit and theirs – and then begin that dialogue with them. 

It most likely won’t be effective to shame them for their lack of guardianship in the past – instead, you could offer them constructive suggestions on ways they can fulfil that position for you. Perhaps you could actually ask your brother if he’d be willing to pick you up after meeting with friends, as you don’t feel safe travelling alone at night? Maybe you could ask your dad for some advice on how to approach learning more about the deen, or help with something practical in your life? Try to be proactive about asking them for specific, achievable help with things. Once you establish this precedent, perhaps over time they will begin to naturally take on a more protective, supportive and guiding role in your life.

I appreciate that it is exhausting having to handhold how care and concern should be shown to you. But taking on that onus yourself might show your male family figures that you do appreciate and need their support. It could simply be the case that they assumed you wanted independence and space, and what you perceived to be a reluctance to fulfil their mahram role could have actually been them giving you the opportunity to grow into your own woman.

It might also be beneficial to remember that even if you feel you are missing that mahram role in your life right now, it doesn’t mean this will always be the case. As your relationships develop and grow, and new people enter your life, things might well change. If you are not married and choose to be one day, then your husband might fulfil everything you had been hoping your father or brothers would. Likewise, you might have a father-in-law, sons, grandsons, nephews who can also embody that traditional mahram position that you feel you have been missing. If this is something you truly wish for your future, then make a sincere du’a to Allah that He will grant this.

Lastly, I would like to remind you that Allah is the ultimate Guardian, and whilst you might feel let down by the male figures in your life, Allah has never and will never abandon you. You are under the care and protection of Him even when it feels like you are alone. 

Love and duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.