We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Assalamu Alaikum, I have struggled with my faith my entire life, only becoming a true Muslim very recently. Alhamdulillah, last Ramadan I felt closer to Allah and accomplished more than I have ever done previously. However, this year, I am struggling with my Iman. I am taking into account my neurodivergence & PMDD may have a factor, but so far I have just felt agony and emptiness. I feel everything I’m doing is not good enough in the eyes of Allah. How should I give myself grace and kindness to feel how I felt last year?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for sharing these struggles with us. I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing these challenges, and I want you to acknowledge that you have a lot going on right now, and handling all of this at once is a really big deal. It’s not surprising that you are finding things difficult – anyone in your situation would, and feeling this way is not a reflection on you. 

Firstly, remember that Allah ﷻ does not burden a soul with more than it can bear. Your personal circumstances, including your neurodivergence and PMDD, are part of how Allah created you, and therefore He knows better than anyone how these might impact things like your iman. Secondly, the fact that you are concerned about your relationship with Him is a sign in itself that your heart is alive. Think about what you would say to a friend if they were coming to you with these same worries: you’d likely reassure them that their concern for the state of their iman is actually itself a sign of iman. So please don’t overlook that same truth for yourself. The guilt and pain you’re experiencing at feeling ‘nothing’ is the very opposite – it is a sign that you do, in fact, feel something. 

Of course, you can still proactively try to strengthen your relationship with your deen, particularly if it is bothering you this way and you yearn for a time when you felt more connected to Allah. Try to start from a place of kindness with yourself – you haven’t entirely lost everything you felt last Ramadan, and your worries about your level of iman should prove that to you. We are all on a journey with our faith, and those who seem like they have got there are still growing and fluctuating, too.

It might be helpful to think about what it was about last Ramadan specifically that made you feel closer to Him. There’s no doubt that things feel easier to achieve in Ramadan when there is a collective sense of ‘locking in’ to acts of worship, but some of these circumstances can be recreated during the rest of the year, too. It might be useful to set yourself some tangible goals that you know are achievable regularly (remember, the most beloved deeds to Allah are those that are consistent, even if they are small). This will need to be tailor-made to meet you where your level of practice is right now. Maybe you can set a goal to attend Jummah at the mosque every week, to read a portion of the Qur’an each day or to pray every prayer on time. Once you have met these starting goals, you can become more ambitious. Perhaps you could aim to learn a short surah or join an Islamic class. If it was fasting itself that you found enhanced your connection to Allah, you could attempt the voluntary fasts throughout the year, such as the days of Arafah and Ashura, Mondays and Thursdays or longer periods like the six days of Shawwal or the first ten of Dhul Hijjah. It might also help to re-establish the communal aspect of Ramadan by encouraging friends to come along this journey with you; perhaps you can attend lectures together or create a WhatsApp group to keep yourselves accountable for praying on time.

It’s also worth remembering that acts of worship don’t always have to provide us with a spiritual high for them to be worth performing. Sure, sometimes we feel a rush of iman when we pray, but there are also plenty of times – perhaps even most of the time – that we don’t feel anything at all and yet still do it anyway. Allah asks that we obey Him, and if that means that we show up and fulfill our obligations anyway, with the intention that He accepts, even when (especially when) we don’t feel anything, then that’s still enough, inshaAllah.

At the same time, if you feel that your neurodivergence and PMDD are having a significant impact on aspects of your life, such as your faith, it might be worth gaining professional, formal support and advice. For example, if you haven’t already, obtaining medical diagnoses for these could help you access support to better enable you to manage symptoms. This will also ensure that your other commitments in life, such as family, work or studies, are aware of how these conditions impact you and how they can help mitigate this. Accessing designated support might enable you to focus more on building the connection with Allah that you worry you have lost.

Ultimately, this is not something that you need to struggle with alone. Allah does not expect us to meet Him in a state of perfection, but to be constantly striving and to call on Him in our times of need. So don’t forget what a special tool dua is: make dua that the One who created you will turn your heart back to Him in a way that is more beautiful than even what you’ve experienced in the past. You might like to use one of the Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ most repeated duas, 

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَى دِينِكَ

Yā Muqallibal-qulūb, thabbit qalbī `alā dīnik

“O Changer of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.” (Tirmidhi)

Remember the following hadith too,

The Prophet ﷺ said, “My Lord says, ‘If My slave comes nearer to me for a span, I go nearer to him for a cubit; and if he comes nearer to Me for a cubit, I go nearer to him for the span of outstretched arms; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.'” (Bukhari)

Every step you take towards Allah, no matter how small, will be reciprocated by Him many times over, so rest assured that whatever efforts you are taking to strengthen your deen are seen and loved by Allah. 

Love and duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.