We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Asalamu alaykum wa rahmat Allah, I always find such practical and comforting advice in your responses to others and finally feel brave enough to bring forward my dilemma, which I hope you can advise me on. It’s hard to admit, but I will get straight into it. I think I have a jealousy problem. I find it hard to be truly happy for the people around me; the closer to me, the more I compare, and the more their successes feel like a threat to my own. For some reason, a win or gain for them feels like a direct loss of a chance for me. I’m quite self-aware, and I think there’s a lot at play – self-limiting beliefs, scarcity mentality and a lack of tawakkul in Allah’s plan. I just don’t know how to move past it. I would hate to find out that people close to me feel this way about my successes, and I don’t want to be this person either. I don’t show it, but this is how I feel, and I wish I could get to the stage of ‘wanting for my brother/sister what I want for myself’, but I don’t know how. Its quite an isolating way of existing because it translates into me not telling others about things for example an event or opting to do things alone so that I can compete in this imaginary competition I have going in my head – for example I see a friend who is very social going to all these events on social media and so when I come across an event (as embarrassing as it is to say it), I ‘gatekeep’ so I can ‘catch up’ in a sense. It’s all very messed up, and I can’t talk to anyone about it because it might be perceived as wishing people ill, which it’s not. I’ve made dua and will continue to, and would be grateful for any advice.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu alaykum,

Thank you for sharing these raw thoughts with us. It is a very difficult thing not only to recognise but admit that you are struggling with this, and so I commend you for being able to see where you need self-improvement and actively seek it out. 

Firstly, I want you to give yourself a little credit. Not everyone would be proactive in seeking to address this issue in themselves. The fact that it is bothering you, and that you have already been making dua to Allah ﷻ about it, means that your heart is alive and seeking forgiveness and improvement.

We all struggle with personal obstacles that others might not see, whether that might be things like backbiting or jealousy or struggles with praying or addiction to sinful acts. Feelings of jealousy are entirely normal and impact all of us from time to time. The feeling itself isn’t a sign that you are a bad person, but you are right that this is something you should work on – both from a spiritual perspective and also because it sounds like this issue is making you deeply unhappy. 

I think we need to address the root cause here. When did these feelings begin? Is there a specific point in your life that you can trace this back to, for example, a time when you didn’t achieve something that a family member or friend did and you began to compare yourself? Growing up, was there a tendency for relatives to compare you to cousins or siblings of a similar age? It might even be helpful to seek external therapy so you can unpick where these insecurities come from and then begin to work on addressing them. You have already done some of the work by identifying that you struggle with self-limiting beliefs, a scarcity mentality and a lack of tawakkul in Allah’s plan. Talking this through with a Muslim therapist might help you recognise where these feelings come from.

It may be helpful to take the time to remind yourself of Allah’s power and what exactly it means for Him to have given Himself the name Ar Razzaq. In this, He is reassuring us that our provisions in the most expansive sense, our stability and our livelihood don’t come from individual people, companies or employers; it doesn’t come from our own ability, talents or achievements either. It comes from Him alone. Try and really internalise what this actually means. I know it can be difficult, but try to submit yourself fully to trusting in Allah’s plan. Talk to him, over and over again. Admit to Him that you feel afraid or confused or jealous, but even then, you surrender to whatever He knows is best for you. Ask Him to help you trust Him, and whenever doubts or comparisons creep into your mind, simply remind yourself that Allah is Ar Razzaq for a reason. 

Someone else’s success doesn’t change your own rizq. A good way to frame things in your mind might be that if Allah can do things for the people around you, then He can do it for you. It might be helpful to focus less on what other people have and instead try to reconnect with where these things came from, which is from Allah. This Hadith might be of some comfort to you:

One day I was behind the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) [riding on the same mount], and he said, “O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted, and the pages have dried.” (Hadith 19, an-Nawawi)

The things you might be obsessing over other people having may not be written for you, and likewise things might have been written for you that have not been for others. Ultimately, everything comes from Allah alone, and so comparing yourself to what others do, possess or achieve is only going to erode your own sense of worth and self-esteem. Try and channel that energy instead into reconnecting with your Lord and opening up your vulnerability to Him in dua.

It is recommended in Islam that if we feel jealous or wish something for ourselves that someone else has, then we should make dua that Allah gives that person more. In turn, the angels, inshaAllah, hear our dua and ask Allah to bless us with the same. This might be a healthy exercise for you to do regularly. Perhaps each day you could think of something that someone else has that you wish you had and make sincere dua that Allah protects that provision for the person and blesses them with more of the same. That way, not only are you also asking Allah to grant it for you too, but you are hopefully undoing the idea in your mind that these things have to be a competition. Allah’s bounties are endless, and His rizq has no limits. There is more than enough opportunity, provision and blessings to go around, and perhaps making dua for yourself alongside the person who already has the things you wish for will be a much-needed reminder that someone else’s success doesn’t automatically become your failure. 

You also mention that this has become an isolated way of being as you avoid sharing opportunities with others in order to gatekeep. I would suggest that you try to be proactive by doing the exact opposite of what you have been doing so far. If you have an event to go to, invite a friend along. If you have another blessing like money, seek out ways you can be generous with it. Being really intentional about sharing things and opening up aspects of your life that you have been tempted to keep private and hidden might help show you that it feels a lot better to not think so much about what others are doing and focus on the positives you already have in your own life.

I wonder as well if it might help you to remove the temptation to compare from your life. If you find yourself obsessing over the accomplishments people are sharing on social media, then maybe a social media break or detox might help you? Or maybe you could simply mute the people you know you are jealous of. That way you aren’t blocking people who are a part of your life, but you don’t have their content constantly in your face either. Without the chance to constantly compare yourself, you might find yourself in a happier and healthier mental state.

As I mentioned before, jealousy is natural. That doesn’t mean that it is desirable or should be encouraged, but we all feel it sometimes. There are likely people around you who see the things you possess or the achievements you’ve made and feel jealous about you. We often fail to recognise that the things we take for granted in our own lives are the things others are begging Allah for. Try to establish a daily gratitude habit so you can recognise all the things Allah has already blessed you with instead of focusing on what others have. Make a list of 3 things you are grateful for, even just on the notes app on your phone, as soon as you wake up and before you go to bed. When you consider what a huge blessing it is to have your health, a roof over your head or a family around you, this might help you see that Allah has already blessed you with so much.

Ultimately, as you have already been doing, the best thing you can do is make dua. Ask Allah to remove these crippling feelings of jealousy from your heart. Ask Him to increase you in gratitude, and in the ability to recognise your blessings. Ask Him for everything your heart desires and remain content that Allah is a Lord who is shy to return our duas empty-handed. But tying your camel is important too, and here that might look like proactively doing the work to untangle where these feelings of insecurity and comparison come from. Seek out external therapy. Keep up that gratitude diary. And then each night empty your heart out to Allah.

May Allah ease this situation for you.

Love and duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.