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I live with my husband’s parents and his brother. I have confided in my husband that I have to constantly wear a hijab in the house in front of his brother, as he is not my mahram, and I told my husband how exhausting it is to always wear the hijab and that it would be nice to have a place of my own so that I don’t constantly have to wear it. However, as a rebuttal, my husband says that he doesn’t understand why I complain about wearing the hijab all the time and that I am getting blessings from Allah for wearing the hijab. I feel like my hardships and need for privacy are dismissed by my husband, and I never know what to say back to him because, in a way, he is right that I am getting blessings for wearing the hijab. What else can I say to make him understand the hardship and difficulty of wearing a hijab all day?

Maya Areen Responds:

Asalamu alaykum,

Thank you so much for writing in and sharing this with us. It sounds like a really difficult situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are right, it can be exhausting to have to be fully covered at all times, even when at home. It’s also frustrating that your husband doesn’t seem to understand this and is dismissing you by saying you’ll receive more blessings.

I think you need to talk with your husband about this further. It seems there are two separate issues here that are coming together. The first is the matter of you having to wear the hijab at home and feeling, quite rightly, exhausted by it. The second is your husband’s lack of understanding and empathy for what you are experiencing. 

I would like to encourage you to reflect on your relationship dynamic. Is the lack of empathy he is showing something that shows up in other areas, or is it only regarding this? It doesn’t seem healthy or fair that you have to work so hard to try and make him understand the toll this is taking on you. I would like you to consider whether you are being valued and heard more broadly in your marriage.

Frankly, getting blessings for wearing the hijab at home is irrelevant here, as it should not be something that is asked of you in the first instance. Using your fulfilment of a religious commandment as an excuse to justify his own inability to provide what you are entitled to as a wife in Islam could be interpreted as religious gaslighting. I appreciate that various personal circumstances or cultural reasons mean that couples live with in-laws, however, it should be acknowledged that this is a significant sacrifice that you are making here, and you are under no obligation to live in such circumstances. I would be clear to him that you have extended a lot of grace towards him by living like this throughout your marriage so far, and that you deserve the same grace and empathy from him now about how difficult this is. Dismissing your rightful feelings under the guise of ‘earning blessings’ is not the support or care you deserve from your spouse.

Of course, I am not privy to conversations you may have had before this point. However, even if you agreed to this in the past but have changed your mind now that you have experienced how challenging it is, that is okay. What seems most pressing at the moment is to ensure your husband is being understanding and supportive about what this is like for you. I think this needs an open and honest conversation about not only the practical challenges of being covered all the time, but also what his lack of empathy shows you.

If you feel he needs more to understand your hardship, then there are several angles that you could take. Firstly, the Islamic position on having the right to your own private living space, secondly, the sheer discomfort of needing to be covered at all times (especially with his brother living at home), and thirdly, the impact it has between the two of you.

He needs to understand clearly that this can potentially seriously impact your well-being and cause a rift not only in your marriage, but also between you and your in-laws. You have every right to be frank and unapologetic about your needs and feelings to your life partner. Be clear that this needs solving, and him dismissing you is showing you that he doesn’t value your feelings or comfort. 

Explain to him that if something was bothering him, something that impacted him every day, and when he brought it to your attention, you just dismissed his worries, how would he feel? The point of a spouse is to bring tranquillity and ease to one another and to safeguard each other with love and patience. Right now, he isn’t fulfilling that by dismissing your concerns. If this is bothering you so much, which it understandably is, then it is his duty to, at the very least, acknowledge your feelings and then actively work towards a solution that works for all. Explain to him that his rectifying this situation means that he is showing you that you are loved, heard, valued and respected. This is about far more than just having to wear the hijab at home.

I think you also need to outline that trying to make this about you getting extra blessings for wearing the hijab more often isn’t fair or correct. You are already fulfilling Allah ﷻ’s commandment by wearing the hijab in public and around non-mahrams. There is no obligation to wear it at all times. If he wants to talk about this issue in religious terms, then perhaps approach him with the flip side of this. Imagine the blessings he will receive for providing his wife a private place to live where she can protect her modesty without being in discomfort. In Islam, a husband is obliged to provide a home for his wife, and she does not have any duty to live with her in-laws. 

In today’s economic climate, a couple affording their own home straight away isn’t always possible; however, see if he can, at the bare minimum, make a clear intention to work towards this as a goal. It would be useful for you to understand, if you haven’t already, if this is something that he is at least trying to progress towards. You might want to explain that you understand that an immediate fix might not be possible, however, seeing evidence of his clear efforts to rectify this situation will show you that he is taking your feelings and rights seriously.

You might want to also explain to him that more privacy would likely benefit you as a couple too. It will probably be good for your marriage to have your own space, to be able to express yourselves freely and to not feel restricted when together. If you plan to have children one day, then it’s even more important to have your own space, as navigating things like pregnancy, breastfeeding, or even just looking after toddlers whilst having to be fully covered will likely be really difficult.

It’s not easy to lay out your boundaries and wants clearly, but you have already tried to explain your discomfort, and it has unfortunately been dismissed. So now it seems like it is time to take a more direct approach. Be really honest about how you feel and what you need, and what you feel the consequences will be for your own well-being, but also your marriage, if this continues to be disregarded.

I pray that Allah grants you ease and comfort and that you can work through this as a couple. I pray that Allah blesses you with a private and beautiful home of your own where your relationship can blossom in peace. Ameen.

Love and duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.