The topic of marriage, the search for a marriage partner and the centering of ‘self’ in the process is something I find myself in constant conflict with. Despite my attempts to achieve balance, sometimes the scale tips and I find my fears, doubts and thoughts mounting:

Perhaps I am not ready for marriage.

I feel myself shrink (reluctantly but very automatically) in front of very confident men. I carry more trauma than I was aware of: imposter syndrome, self-doubt, unworthiness, fear of discovering my needs, fear of making my needs known, fear of men, lack of trust, lack of hope, excessive expectations and questions (which may link to my tendency to self-sabotage). Perhaps my stagnancy is linked to a lack of feeling nurtured enough to attain my goals.

‘We accept the love we think we deserve’ – self-sabotage is something I steer towards. If I am shown kindness that is unfamiliar, I’ll reject it, focus on a trivial matter and magnify it in attempts to deem the act of kindness insubstantial or inauthentic.

Maybe my fear of commitment is linked to fear of vulnerability, and the fear of the consequence of being vulnerable i.e. trusting enough in someone to respect, safeguard and protect your vulnerabilities (against a backdrop of a thousand other self-motivated possibilities). Maybe my fear of commitment is also fear of responsibility and accountability – I am acutely aware of my own capacity and I am fearful of how I will respond to, be receptive to and cater to someone else’s vulnerabilities. 

I feel unease towards stability – increased comfort feels detrimental to my soul, imaan and worship. I am fearful of marriage becoming monotonous, of my progress and development reaching a plateau that I will not be conscious of. I fear that my partner may not cultivate my growth and I feel uncertain of how to measure this prior to marriage. If someone’s habits do not seemingly appear to be self-challenging, but they are consciously aware they want to be doing more, is that enough? Is a promise too feeble? Are they promising me or themselves and if it’s themselves, why aren’t they starting now? Does growth have to be nurtured by someone else? Will the responsibility to steer change fall on me? Will my shoulders be too weak to withstand the pressure of holding responsibility for my and my partner’s growth? I want to challenge and be challenged and I fear that lack of reciprocity, or time, or routine, will minimise or numb this desire.

I am creating more questions for myself than I have answers for. If I had the answers to my questions, would that give me more of a direction or peace of mind? Am I boxing myself in? 

With these thoughts in mind, I have put together a list of reminders and reflections that have helped to keep me grounded when doubts creep up on the journey of seeking a marriage partner and that someone else on this path may also benefit from:

1. Don’t feel like you have to delay marriage until you find yourself. You don’t have to have all the answers – self-sufficiency, awareness and development are not to be attained solely through individual isolation. I can grow in solitude, which I like and am comfortable with, but I can also allow myself to grow while looking for a partner and within marriage. Growth is continuous. Finding yourself is not linear or time-constrained.
2. Do not feel the need to be apologetic for what you hold important to you. Do not belittle yourself, your feelings or your opinions. Trust someone who makes you feel comfortable without personal investment. Trust the feeling of safety over infatuation – the former builds the foundation of a home while the latter is a fleeting grounding of something inherently temporary.
3. It’s ok to be vulnerable but don’t serve yourself on a platter. You don’t owe someone everything. 

4. Every person is a kaleidoscope – with individual experiences, memories, coping mechanisms, life philosophies, traumas and beliefs that define them. You are complex beings. Recognise this in the process and do not try to change someone’s shapes and colours for your own convenience, ego or reputation.

5. Don’t become overwhelmed by the possible obstacles. Be aware but do not be overcome by possibilities for they can be endless and be wary of what you are projecting on someone else and the impact of this. Search for the good in others. Don’t lose hope.
6. ‘Others praise you for what they suppose is in you but you must blame your soul for what you know is in it.’ Do not mould yourself to be something you are not, in attempts to please or appease someone. There is more to know about everything – including yourself and someone else. You are not set in concrete, you are malleable – keep this in mind for all stages in your life and do not become stationary.

7. Be conscious of your expectations. Expectations can be good and bad. Expect someone to be aware of and fulfil their Islamic responsibilities, expect them to be compassionate and receptive, expect them to be wanting to grow and learn. Do not expect them to fill a void in your own heart or beliefs, to compensate for a lack of something in your life, do not expect them to view the world as you do, or communicate the way that you do. 

8. Don’t allow shaming terms to penetrate doubt into you – you are worthy of having standards and expectations and should not feel guilty about this.
9. Your values or sense of morality are not universal. Remember this when you encounter differences and consider the scale of difference.  Review, reflect on and challenge your expectations. You would buckle under the weight of too many expectations so do not impose the same burden on someone else.
10. You can find a nice person who inspires you but who you still don’t feel compatible with. Don’t hold yourself solely accountable or hoard guilt for things not working out. We all have a choice and free will and though it is difficult to decipher whether someone is right for us or not (and difficult to endure the process and the time taken for this realisation), it is not productive to assign blame to yourself or someone else for a change in direction or course.
11. You have trust issues but someone cannot conjure up a concrete life plan for you or a definitive promise to you. Sometimes you have to learn to trust the right people. Signs manifest through communication and observations. Life is transitional, people are dynamic. What works isn’t always what is constant, expected or routine.

12. Don’t think in black and white, believing that things are a matter of principle, that a concept is more important than the context. Leave room for nuances and consider that we are multidimensional. Use your experiences to be actively aware and conscious but don’t use your experiences as a gateway to make blanket assumptions or to blind yourself to the good in people. And don’t use it to run away, despite this feeling safer. Everyone’s struggle is different – remind yourself of the mercy Allah shows you and don’t condemn people for what you perceive as intentional harm towards you without consideration of their difficulty.

13. Don’t be discouraged by the process enough to stop, but don’t plough on continuously if you feel really discouraged. Breaks are good for regulating.
14. Work on your self-worth and do not assign your value to someone else’s perception of you. Your partner can not eliminate the work you need to do on your own self-esteem and confidence. Do not let your admiration of someone result in you disparaging yourself – each individual is accountable for their own actions. Learn how to appreciate your individual strengths that Allah has given you. Consider this process as a journey, as life is an ongoing journey, and be wary of seeing marriage as an end destination.

15. Compassion needs to be directed to yourself first and foremost before it can be authentically directed to someone else.

16. Sometimes you need to live experiences to manage your own anxieties towards a concept. I have placed a lot of expectation and responsibility on myself as an individual to find answers – while that is necessary and important, I have to also acknowledge that growth in self, from self, can be self-limiting. While growth in self, from others, can be more effective because it can inspire more change than what may come from my own self. I am reminded of this in Surah At-Tauba (9:71), where Allah (swt) says, “The believers, men and women are Awliyaa’ (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another…”
17. Good things take time. Be patient with your own instincts and be aware of healthy boundaries. Do not attach yourself to someone. Stop checking your phone for messages – you are indirectly seeking validation and projecting your expected communication style on someone else. Trust natural silences and pauses.
18. Do not harden yourself in attempts to hide your softness out of shame or fear of manipulation. Steer your kindness towards positive energy. Seek out similar softness or humility in someone. When you feel deficient or find it hard to maintain hope in people, redirect this hope to Allah. He is the source of everything and there are no deficiencies in His plan. Remember Qadr and remember to tie your camel. 

Praise Allah for the things He has saved you from, for the journey you are on and for the opening of your heart to something that was difficult for you. What you desire and what Allah has planned for you is not synonymous. Do not be disheartened for that which you don’t expect because there is unseen blessing, protection and wisdom in it that only Allah knows of. Trust Allah. Developing taqwa and tawakkul is a journey but remembrance of Allah is where your heart will find rest. Seek that first and foremost and turn your longing to Him.