We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salaam! I’m 28 years old and practising as a Muslim, and my brother is a few years older than me. I recently found out during COVID that he has left Islam a long time ago (since he was in college), and has been putting up a front with the family since then. He moved out of the family home last year, where he is now free to live a non-Islamic lifestyle (with his girlfriend). My parents do not know the full truth about his leaving Islam, and the extent of his lifestyle. I feel burdened by the truth, and although I will not expose his sins, my heart is very, very heavy and broken. I am constantly making Dua for him, and I know that it could be a long time before/if he ever comes back to Allah SWT. I am trying to keep a good relationship with him and his partner, but the sadness and discomfort I feel over his choices have made it very hard. He has also chosen to distance himself from the family, and I feel emotionally abandoned, as I have to manage my parents alone most of the time. How can I heal myself? I feel like this is always going to be a sticking point in my relationship with him, and I don’t want to be emotionally turmoiled over this any longer.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

What you’ve shared is painful and heartbreaking. You are carrying a secret too heavy to hold alone, while trying to protect your parents, maintain ties with your brother, and stay steadfast in your own faith. That is no small task. May Allah ﷻ reward you for your care for everyone involved.

Let’s begin with a gentle truth: you are not responsible for your brother’s choices. He is a grown adult; you did not guide him away from the path, nor can you guide him back. As Allah ﷻ reminds us in the Qur’an, “You surely cannot guide whoever you like ˹O Prophet˺, but it is Allah Who guides whoever He wills, and He knows best who are ˹fit to be˺ guided.” (Surah Al-Qasas 28:56)

It’s clear that the knowledge of his choice to leave Islam weighs heavily on you. That heaviness is not yours to carry alone, and it is not a burden you need to keep silently forever. In many of our families, there’s a culture of secret-keeping, an idea that if something painful or shameful is kept hidden, it will somehow lose its power. But most of the time, secrets don’t protect anyone. They just sit silently, burdening the person forced to carry them.

You’ve tried to protect others, but who is protecting you from the weight of carrying this alone? 

You are allowed to pause, reflect and ask: What is the purpose of this secret? Who is it serving, and who is it burdening? Is it a truth that needs to be hidden, or a reality that simply needs to be acknowledged and gently moved on from?

There is wisdom in not rushing to expose your brother’s decisions to your parents; however, you are allowed to be honest with your parents if the weight of secrecy is harming your mental and emotional well-being. You don’t need to give them every detail, but gently disclosing that he is no longer practising, and that you feel emotionally overwhelmed managing things on your own, can be a step toward healing. You should not be expected to shoulder the entire emotional load alone.

The emotional abandonment you’ve described is real. Your brother has already distanced himself from the family, whether out of fear, shame, or discomfort, and that can bring its own kind of hurt. The truth is that some siblings remain close while others grow apart. That is part of life. You are allowed to grieve the loss of the relationship as it once was, and to accept that your connection may look different now.

He has chosen to step away, and it’s not on you to chase after him emotionally while also managing your parents alone. You can be cordial, but you don’t need to go out of your way, especially when it’s costing you your emotional well-being. You are allowed to set boundaries and pull back without guilt.

As for your healing, make space to nurture your own heart:

• Seek therapy or counselling if the heaviness feels unmanageable. You deserve support.
• Speak to Allah in your own words. Tell Him what hurts. Make dua for the pain to lessen and for Allah to guide your brother back to Islam.
• Let yourself cry without shame. The Prophet ﷺ said tears are a form of mercy.
• Journal your emotions to release them from your mind.
• Surround yourself with those who uplift your iman and who can carry you on the days your strength runs low.
  

Above all, trust that Allah sees your effort. None of this is hidden from Him. Not your sadness, not your sincerity, not your struggle. Indeed, nothing is difficult for Allah.

May Allah mend your heart, return your brother to faith, and grant your family peace, unity, and closeness through the most surprising and merciful of means. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.