We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salam Aunt Maya. We recently moved for my husband’s work to a different city, and unfortunately, we don’t have any family nearby. With two kids under the age of four who require constant care, it has become exhausting. There is no village that I can rely on. I feel sad when I see posts about children with grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc., who are all engaged in the child’s life, especially around Ramadan and Eid. How can I raise kids without family help and also balance everything else? 

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for writing in and sharing your dilemma. What you are doing is extremely hard, but you are also doing an incredible job. Juggling a home, two kids under four, work, and a move while making sure your children and their routines are not impacted, taking care of logistics and also holding space for big emotions of little ones can be incredibly taxing, mentally, physically and emotionally. Please take a moment to acknowledge what an achievement it is to manage all of that every day.

It is also completely normal to miss and even grieve the absence of your support system while parenting young children, particularly during special times of the year such as Ramadan and Eid. 

Alongside some practical advice, I’m sharing a few of Allah’s beautiful names, which I hope you can lean on for comfort. Please know that you are not alone in this, even if it feels like it. Allah ﷻ is always with us. He is Al-Waduud (the All-Loving) and As-Sami (the All-Hearing). Call out to Him and ask Him to provide you with strength and patience, and surround you with good people who can be a village for you in place of the loved ones you have left behind. Don’t lose hope because even though your loved ones are far away, Allah is Al-Qareeb; He is closer to you than they are, and always ready to listen and answer. We just have to ask.

I know that the idea of not having a village is very hard to come to terms with. It’s also quite tough to build one yourself when you’re exhausted and fulfilling the needs of everyone at home. But the place you’re living now is where your children’s lives are happening and taking root, so slowly building connections will help you all and make a real difference to your quality of life. Even finding just one person to trust and talk to can matter far more than we realise.

You can start small by joining local parent groups, searching for free stay-and-play groups where kids play, and adults chat, Mums’ or children’s groups at your local masjid. Perhaps there’s a neighbour you’ve noticed has children of a similar age to yours, whom you can strike up a conversation with or invite round for a cup of coffee? You could also ask them to come hang out at the park in the afternoons when you all need a break. Simple one-on-one playdates make it easier to connect and have meaningful conversations, giving you a chance to talk with someone who can relate to and understand your current season of life without judgment. 

It might sound like a lot, but the effort you put in now can turn into real support later, and you can, inshaAllah, find your tribe of mums who can one day rely on each other.

I would also like to suggest exploring your area to see if any childcare is available to you. With no family around, many parents rely on nurseries or childminders to survive and stay functional. If you’re in the UK, you can utilise 15 hours of free childcare per week during term time, available to working parents of children aged nine months and up. Support is available for families like yours, so I hope you can take advantage of it. I understand this might not look like the version of care you had in mind, but it’s a great option nonetheless.

It is also important to communicate with your husband and discuss what your needs are as a family and what that can look like practically. Whether that’s talking about the load of raising kids and home life and how this is met, or about how you can both support each other, having time alone to recharge, even a few hours to yourself on the weekend, or a night out once a week or month for both of you. Anything that helps you fill your cup so you’re not running on empty is great. This can also be as simple as your husband having some bonding time with the kids on a Saturday morning, whilst you do something for yourself and vice versa (not just the grocery shopping!)

Likewise, bolstering your connection with the support network you do have – your husband – is equally as important. It’s very easy as parents to fall into the trap of talking only about the kids, chores, or errands, but it’s also important to carve out time for your marriage, where you and your husband can be yourselves and not just mum and dad. If you’re not comfortable with babysitters, then maybe, for the time being, dinner dates can become breakfast dates before everyone gets on with their day, or you could make an effort to have a nice dinner at home. That precious alone time can help you stay sane for the rest of the week.

If it’s financially feasible, you can also enrol your children in activities such as football, swimming, or gymnastics. Your kids burn energy, learn something new, and you get to sit, breathe, and maybe even drink a coffee while watching instead of managing every second.

When it comes to family, distance doesn’t mean that you can’t have close relationships with them. Facetiming with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on weekend mornings can become a fun tradition that your kids look forward to. Having family further away also offers you the chance to go on “a holiday” when you visit them or have them over for longer periods, enjoying some proper family bonding time. Even a couple of days where grandparents are around can give you and your husband breathing room to catch up on life.

Holidays are naturally a difficult time when you’re away from family. However, during Ramadan and Eid, you could build your own traditions and create excitement around this time of the year. Maybe you can decorate the house with the kids (even hanging a banner or a few string lights would do!), read some lovely books at bedtime centred around Ramadan and Eid, have them hand out goodie bags on Eid morning at the masjid or host an Eid potluck, all depending on your capacity. Even small acts like feeding the ducks at the park can be an opportunity to teach your little ones about being kind and charitable, and to show how we want to do that even more during Ramadan. Remember, motherhood itself is ibadah, and by Allah’s will, you will be rewarded for the difficulty of parenting without a village.

While you are in the thick of it, it can feel like never-ending toil, but I am here to share the reminder that this is a season, and as they grow older and more independent, you’ll find things get easier and more manageable inshaAllah. 

Allah, in His infinite Wisdom and Mercy, calls the first few years of motherhood “Wahnan Ala Wahn” in the Quran. meaning weakness upon weakness. (Surah Luqman 31:14) 

He doesn’t just call it hard, He says hardship UPON hardship, weakness UPON weakness, acknowledging the layers of a mother’s difficulties, which is all the validation we need that our Creator sees and understands our struggles. He also never burdens us beyond what we can bear. You can do this, and every time you find yourself struggling, just talk to Him and pour your heart out. He is close to us and actively answers our prayers, especially the silently whispered ones, in your heart, in the middle of the night when you’re soothing your babies or in sujood. 

May Allah make it easy for you and reward you immensely for taking care of His amanah with love and mercy. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.