We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salam Aunt Maya, my best friend got married a few months ago. We’ve been friends since uni and have supported each other through thick and thin. I was even there helping plan her wedding. But ever since she got married, she’s become distant and rarely has time for her friends anymore. I understand her life has changed, but I can’t help feeling hurt by it. How do I not take this personally? 

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum

Thank you for sharing. We’ve often seen online commentary around friendship loss and change post-marriage. When a friend enters a new phase of life, especially one that involves a romantic partner, it can feel like all their platonic friends were a “waiting station”, so to speak, until they got married. That in itself can feel hurtful.

Firstly, I want to acknowledge and say that I understand your hurt entirely. Your friend has gained someone new at this stage of her life, but it seems as though you have lost her. Perhaps the things she would usually come to you for,  speak to you about, or share with you are now redirected towards her partner. Often, this happens silently, without any conversation, and many people simply expect it of married people.

I think culturally, many women are not taught how to hold onto friendships in a meaningful way once they get married. We see this happen time and time again: women get married, become consumed by new responsibilities, lose parts of themselves in the process, and slowly become a shell of their former selves. For some women, marriage asks a lot more of them than it does for others, and learning how to navigate that can take time. 

It also depends on the kind of person your friend is. Some women naturally prefer this setup and do not necessarily feel the need to integrate their previous selves or old friendships into their married life.

Some people also start spending more time with other couples or with those who are nearby, simply because it’s easier. And in the middle of all that, older friendships can unintentionally fall to the side. It doesn’t mean you are no longer important to your friend or that she cares for you any less – it may genuinely be the case that she is so consumed by this new phase of her life that she hasn’t realised how you might feel.

Secondly, there is also the reality that when someone gets married, they often have far less time than they did before, especially if they have moved away. Relationships take time and energy to build, and it probably feels like the time your friend had for you is now going towards her partner, and that can feel hurtful, as if you were almost demoted.

If you consider this a friendship you want to nurture and hold onto, it may be worth speaking to your friend about how she is finding the transition into married life and how she feels about her friendships. This doesn’t have to be a confrontational conversation, more about trying to open up a space for honesty and figuring out how this friendship can be sustained and what that can look like realistically. 

You’ve already given her space and tried to be understanding, which is a great start. Perhaps now reach out and suggest doing something simple together, letting her know you miss her and value the friendship. Having an open and honest conversation is usually the best way to clear the air and better understand each other’s perspectives. It also helps in avoiding any resentment that might be building up inside. 

For any relationship to thrive, people need to put in time and effort. In reality, though, that balance isn’t always equal; sometimes it’s 60-40 or even 70-30, with one person picking up the slack and vice versa. For now, ask her about having a fixed date and time to catch up once a month. That can help you both stay in touch until she settles into her new routine. 

This might feel awkward and make it seem like you want the relationship more or that you are inconveniencing them, but I think it is worth trying. 

We are not really taught how to navigate moments like this. Online culture often encourages people to “cut others off” or assume “your friend just doesn’t care anymore”, but I think we owe each other a little more patience than that. In romantic relationships, it is considered normal to have conversations about difficult feelings, unmet expectations, or needs. I think our platonic friendships deserve that same care and energy, too.

Friendships that survive different life stages don’t always do so by chance, but by intentional effort. And if, after a conversation or two, there seems to be a mismatch in expectations, then you will know where you stand. From there, you can decide how to redefine this friendship, and that is okay. 

None of that means it’s fair to you, though, and your feelings are completely valid. It’s not nice to be ignored by someone you care for deeply, and it’s normal to feel hurt by their behaviour. Two things can be true at the same time: you getting hurt by your friend and her not realising how her absence is impacting you. 

I know it seems difficult, but try and extend some grace towards your friend – the same way you might want a little understanding from the people around you when you, too, are dealing with a major life change. It might help to see this simply as a phase of adjustment on your friend’s part, rather than the end of a friendship. She may be caught up in a lot of new emotions and responsibilities right now, and simply hasn’t found her footing yet. She is learning how to hold onto her old life whilst also building something new, and that’s not an easy change to make.

Not everyone handles big changes in their life the same way. Some people are more careful about maintaining their friendships, while others don’t quite realise that they are drifting apart or that they will need their friends once the whirlwind of early married days winds down and they settle into their new normal. You don’t really know how someone will cope until they’re in the thick of it.

Often, once things settle, people do start to miss their friends and want to reconnect; they just don’t always know how to manage it well in the moment. If her friendship means a lot to you, as it seems it does, then it is worth giving her a little time; it’s most likely simply a case of waiting until she finds her footing again.

I pray and hope Allah ﷻ grants barakah in the love and care you have for each other and preserves your friendship. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.