Finding love as an observant Muslim woman living in the West has always been challenging. But what happens when you’re seeking love for a second time as a divorcee? 

I’m currently in this stage of life, learning how to walk again after a serious fall. And what exactly was the fall? An unexpected divorce. 

For a little over a year, I thought I was in a happy marriage. I thought I was building a life with someone. I thought we were going to start a family. But all my dreams came crashing down when I learned that the man I had married lacked the maturity and integrity that it takes to uphold the virtues of marriage. When I finally accepted what was happening– that the man I thought was my forever was just a lesson in time– I went through an intensive process of healing, which involved lots of tears, sisterly bonding and therapy. And when I came out of it, I decided I still wanted to find love through the auspices of marriage. Though I was nervous to put my heart on the line again, I put on my armour and prepared to go into battle. 

Because, as Pat Benatar said, “Love is a Battlefield,” and the Muslim dating world is an epic battle at that. 

I have come to realise that entering the marriage market the second time around is different.  Before I got married in 2022, I met a fair number of men on the apps, in volunteer spaces at the mosque and through matchmakers, but nothing ever stuck. Those conversations or relationships were always short-lived, and because of that limited experience, I failed to fully comprehend how to assess compatibility with prospects (e.g. my ex-husband).

As I seek love and marriage for a second time, I feel I am better prepared to find a spouse due to my lived experiences. But having the requisite knowledge to enter into a new marriage and finding the right man to marry are two separate tasks. 

Learning how to date post-divorce is an art form.

Not only am I re-learning the game and the players, but I’m navigating everything with a new understanding of myself. I have come to understand what qualities in a husband I need that would be best suited for my personality. And most importantly, I’ve acquired a new level of self-love that will safeguard me when I encounter inevitable rejection from the wrong prospective husband. 

There are four aspects to this journey that anyone who is seeking marriage as a divorcee should consider. 

The first is understanding how to talk about your divorce. 

There’s a stigma about divorce, especially as a divorced woman. Divorce has historically been the ultimate scarlet letter. Women who are divorced and have children are left feeling like unwanted goods and are often told that they should expect less because of their “baggage.” One friend, Reem, age 34 from California, entered the dating market after three years. She had met her first husband in a serendipitous, meet-cute manner, so she had to learn how to navigate the muddy waters that are the dating apps and matrimonial events. Reem told me that she didn’t have a lot of problems when she told prospective partners that she was divorced. But she did encounter issues when she revealed that she had a five-year-old son. 

“I would match with people, and the second they read my profile, they would unmatch when they realised I had a son. That was the bigger stigma. I had zero luck with people considering me seriously after they found out I had a kid.” When she eventually did find her new husband three years after her divorce, she found him to be open and willing to be a stepfather to her son. In fact, one of the reasons she pursued a relationship with him was because of how he interacted with her son. It was a beautiful connection that included love for her child. 

For myself, I have found that men are open to considering me for marriage even after they find out I’m divorced. A few of them were even very sympathetic when I told them it was unexpected and involved betrayal. What I find difficult is knowing how much information to give and when to give it. Often, I feel the need to overshare to show the prospect that I’ve identified why the first marriage failed and the type of qualities I’m looking for the second time around. 

When I was younger, I thought I should be looking for the most religious guy in the room. I thought that outward depictions of faith were the necessary safeguard to marrying someone with good deen. But what I realised from my first marriage was that deciphering whether someone is a good Muslim takes more than seeing them study the Qur’an or fiqh; it requires observing how they move through life.

What is more useful is spending time and paying attention to how someone treats others and doesn’t use religion as a shield to cover their faults. 

Ultimately, I know that it is a learning process and that I don’t owe everyone the full story—especially not at the beginning of a relationship. 

The second element I’ve been navigating is learning to trust again. 

There is a level of trust that you must extend when you’re putting your heart on the line. Even if you remain guarded and a little reserved in the beginning of the relationship, at some point you will need to open up and trust that the person isn’t going to leave or betray you. Learning to trust men after a difficult divorce is like sticking your hand over a pan of frying oil—you’ll know when to move your hand when you’re adding in the ingredient that needs to be deep-fried because you have experience cooking. After having gotten seriously burnt, I have a new level of caution when I put my hand over the oil. But it’s an adjustment. 

On the other side of the trust coin is learning to trust myself. I am still learning to trust my instincts, trust my “gut,” and know when someone is not being truthful. In my first marriage, there were many times when I felt something was “off” in my body, but I did not trust myself enough to act. Now, as I’m learning to trust men and myself, I am listening more to my inner voice, which is guiding me to be safe and cautious. 

The third element of this journey is learning the latest “trends” in (bad) behaviour. In my twenties, when I was first learning how to date, I became very familiar with “ghosting.” However, I’m not sure I ever knew how to identify behaviours like love-bombing (excessive flattering with grand gestures too soon in the relationship), bread-crumbing (someone showing sporadic interest, but never committing) or avoidant attachment styles (someone who feels threatened by intimacy and emotional vulnerability in a relationship). These are all things I have learned to spot as a divorcee. 

It’s also been important for me to have open communication with my friends– especially my single friends– to keep abreast of the types of behaviours they are encountering when they’re swiping on the apps or attending singles events. Not only is the knowledge of the bad behaviour important to avoid, but it also creates a level of commiseration that helps me feel less alone. 

The fourth floor on this elevator to love and marriage is learning to have confidence in myself and Allah. 

Having confidence in myself is knowing that I am ready for a new marriage. I have done the hard work through therapy and research about what makes a couple compatible for marriage; now I must put that work into practice. I am confident in my person– about my appearance, intellect and deen– and this allows me to value myself. Having knowledge of my self-value will make it easier for me to find a man who also values me. 

The women I have met who have been blessed to find love again also demonstrate confidence in themselves and in Allah. Sumayyah, 31, from California, was married for almost four years. She learned that the scars gained from her first marriage were not something to run from, but something to embrace. She said, “What happened to you is part of your story, but it doesn’t define what comes next. It doesn’t define what your life will look like next.” While she was exiting her first marriage, she kept hold of a verse from Surah Ad-Duha: And ˹surely˺ your Lord will give so much to you that you will be pleased. (93:5)

 “I really held onto that [verse]. The chapters that break us are chapters that are part of our story for the rest of our life– be open and have fun. Know that this is just part of the process.”

Holding onto the hope that there is something better than what was lost is important when finding love again. The process and the pool of options at times appear impossible. For me, a series of matrimonial events that resulted in one or sometimes zero prospects made me feel hopeless. In those moments, I felt like quitting, but that’s just part of the process. With constant renewed hope in Allah and his bountiful mercy and miracles, anything is possible. I think this fourth step is the most important of all: keep hope alive.