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First Rule of Dating: Find Self-Fulfilment Before You Seek Marriage

by in Relationships on 17th January, 2019

Before I can begin to write words that I hope will empower and make your lives easier. I hope to bring about awareness through this series, by sharing with you, my years of mistakes, which led to a certain level of know-how.  The countless dating books, that I have put into practice, the religious values I have tried out in courtship, the example of my mothers love for my father,  a pure love,  the general awareness I have found from learning, understanding and spending time with the male kind. Before I can begin to write, sharing my years of mistakes, and lead to a certain level of know-how. The picking of brains of married couples that seem to have found a beautiful bond, and managed to keep it alive far longer than my childhood hamster. You will soon get to know me, and why my experiences can be passed on to my fellow women like a golden gauntlet, I need to set a baseline for you all.

You can not benefit from my words unless you have worked on your own foundations first. I pray that you find self-fulfilment before you seek marriage.

So this post is all about YOU. Cliché as it may be, but let’s focus on the nitty gritty of the groundworks before we move into the more glamorous wooing and unpicking of the male mind, and managing to find just the right level of respectful gameplay. Remember these men are my brothers and cousins too, and I look to be a mother one day, good men deserve love, communication, and respect.  There are gentlemen that exist and walk amongst us, identifying them will come – I assure you. I’ll share my own recipes for dating success, or at least examples of things that work for me. First things first, you must remember you are a being in your self, a soul with a story and you have your own light and magic, a ‘Glo’ that you need to recognise and amplify. You are not shaped like me, I am not shaped like you, we live in a capitalistic world of bigger and better, with less of a focus on what each being can add to an idealist society using their own skill set, so you must love yourself in a world that teaches you it is economical not to.

Foundations and self-preparation for dating/courting are as important as applying ‘prime and prep’ mac products and figuring out your correct Fenty foundation shade before you even come in contact with a man. You need to figure out your own core values before trying to seek a partner.

You’ll meet jokers, and wolves masked as cute little organic raised seed-fed sheep, but as long as you have core values there will be less heartbreak and more joy. Let me show you MR man a perfect picture of the future. Would you like to be painted into it, cos I tell you I’ll take you to a Van Gogh heaven if you trust me?


Related

Listen to how it all started. ‘Life before Amaliah’, over on our podcast, ‘Amaliah Voices’

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A Survival Guide For Living With Your In-laws


Learn what YOU want

Dating/courting in the view to marry someone usually comes with wanting to become a wife and mother, or just escape your overbearing protective parents. I personally have a multitude of reasons, as to why I want to become a life partner for someone, why I want to help nurture and grow them, why I want to marvel in their company and admire their quirks. I know I want to follow my journey alongside theirs as they follow their own journey and ensure, in some way it is in sync.  To listen without judgment, to speak words from a place of kindness and peace. NOTICE how I did not write ‘Ride or Die’, love and marriage do indeed involve a realm of sacrifice.

In recent years as time moved on, I decided to embark on world journeys alone, I didn’t want to. I cried on most of my flights, or Ubers to the hotels (without looking like a sex trafficking victim to the flight attendants, having to dry my tears under the blanket before anyone noticed) not because of a fear of flying but a fear of dying alone and not fulfilling the real wants in my heart. The little things like sitting in a boarding gate area and having my hand luggage a LV weekend bag that is 25kgs (on the best of days I lift about 5kgs, and wanting to go to the toilet and not having someone beside me to watch my bag for a minute and giving up my seat near the plug hole, and no husband to chomp on my unwanted plane food, made me feel a real sense of bitterness towards the single-dom. To this day I have never been on Holiday with a guy I am keeping that coveted title for my ‘ace of spade’.  The universe keeps telling me he is coming inshallah he will because what’s the fun in 2 am Nutella strawberry waffle room service in thick robes without ‘the moon to your night’s sky’ smiling beside you?

The balance of 3 spaces

So back to the basics, there needs to be a balance of 3 spaces, the home life, the work life and the third space, this can be a place you go to, such a yoga studio, the community centre, the mosque, the gym, the library, Westfield’s, the park.

You need to work on self-love and affection and make sure your own glass is full. This means having goals and hobbies, passions, dreams, things that fill you with excitement that no man or human being can take from you.

Things you know bring you happiness, dark days will surely come it is a part of life you need to be able to find yourself back to a state of goodness without the emotional dependency and reliance of this being passed on to another being. God gave us the most powerful engine in the world, to engineer all that we want, which is a brain, you need to learn how to work with it, and how it is wired, and what makes it tick. Why is it some humans can build bridges on the sides of mountains and some humans accidentally use their Waitrose loyalty card to try and open up the underground tube barrier (no judging I was low on carbs).

So as a start to this series here are some of the things I found that I love and pursue passions in: art (kind of pretentious, but I do like art), photography, dance, yoga, ballet, rock climbing, cycling, rollerblading, poetry, horse-riding, Islamic history, travel, Bachata, theatre, Film, science, universe, stars, theology, philosophy, veganism, ancient Egyptian beauty rituals, oh and writing. (wink) Why is this important you ask?  If by the off chance, that things don’t work out,  you can still remove yourself from him and back to the great life,  that you have cultivated. So this week, here is your homework, learn about what you enjoy, and pursue passions you have always wanted to. Find at least 2 hobbies that bring you joy!

Celine Khan

Celine Khan

Celine is a lifestyle blogger who combined a career in Digital marketing, publishing, and fashion. Her area of interests lie in fashion, politics, relationships, and Islam. She can be followed on Instagram @celinekhanldn