My relationship with my mother has always been different. To utter that sentence has taken me time, I have reconciled that our relationship isn’t like others I’ve heard of and that’s ok, Alhamdulilah.

I don’t want to say difficult but our relationship is different.

I wondered what it would feel like to have deep and meaningful conversations like my friends at school initially or what calling your mother your best friend felt like. I longed for our relationship to change, to have more of a closeness and to feel comforted by my mother as well as for me to fulfil my role as a daughter. I don’t know what caused the distance or at least I can’t pinpoint it, perhaps my difficult teenage years or the bad decisions she thought I made or my difference in approaching tasks as simple as making a cup of tea, I know I was a difficult baby too…I don’t know if was or even is anything, perhaps we are just different people.

She has her ways and as I grew up to become a woman and I too have my ways now. We’d often knock heads on issues related to the home or decisions as a family. I thought learning my mother’s language would help me communicate better or taking an interest in cooking and the things she did would allow me to understand her and become closer, but it never came, just more territory to knock heads.

As time left us I longed to be content with our relationship, as friends parents passed I grew anxious about when would just get along, just be. When would I please Allah with my relationship with my mother?

It took me a conversation with a younger cousin who broke down and just uttered “We don’t talk, she doesn’t understand me” in an effort to help her mend and build her relationship with her mother I reflected on what had helped me. I want to share what I had tried because if this can help someone else then I ask for dua’s from you to help my relationship.

What I began to realise is that I was overthinking some aspects of our relationship and whilst we had been through a lot I needed to go back to basics, I realised that the simplest way to transform a relationship is to mentally start again and simply ask more often

“How are you?”

Whilst it sounds so simple, the next time someone asks you the same question, look at their body language, are they even facing you to suggest they care, their tone, was it sincere?

As I navigated the conversation with my younger cousin she shared that she felt her mother didn’t know how she was feeling and it dawned on me that we as children are focused on the ‘I’ part of the relationship, how it affects us, how it makes us feel and perhaps some of us never stop to think how does mama feel? So, in turn, I asked her, ‘Do you know how your mum feels?’ With that, she looked up and wiped her tears almost perplexed. I encouraged her to actually take time out to come into her mother’s space and ask “How are you?”.

The next time I saw them even I could tell something had changed and even her mother took me aside and said:

“I don’t know what you said but she’s changed”

So clearly I am some sort of expert! Whilst I am still addressing my own relationship I can say, we are getting there and that’s a start, Alhamdulillah for our mothers. These are a few of my recommendations and it’s important to remember that no relationship changes overnight, change can take time.

Make dua for it

When we seek advice or a solution often we believe the solution lies in our hands but the reality is that we must seek help and guidance from Allah and anything is possible with the help of Allah, we just need to ask.

Listen when you ask the question ‘How are you’?

As simple as it sounds often we forget to ask our nearest and dearest how they are because we spend each day with them we assume they know how we feel and vice versa so ‘How are you?’ can be one of the most powerful tools in re-building a relationship.  When you ask your mother, wait for her reply and face her when you do it, your body language needs to reflect that you are open and ready to listen. If she gives you a single word, take the word somewhere, you can navigate this simple ask into a conversation. It may not be easy to begin with but remember this is a start. Stay consistent, make sure you take time to do this.

You: How are you?

Mum: Good

You: What makes you feel like that today?

Treat mama

Mothers day is great, the whole shabang comes out, brunch in bed, massages, gifts and of course flowers but remember that you can do this any day of the year, a simple gesture of a cup of tea might help or taking an interest in your mothers hobbies or interests.

Tell her I love you in her language

A book I would recommend reading to help with all relationships in your life is The 5 languages of love, the book goes into explaining that every person in our life has a different way of communicating they love you and how they want to be shown it, for some it may be words of affirmation whilst for others acts of kindness. Take time to understand what your mother language of love is and start communicating clearly.

Remind yourself

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

“Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother”.