We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Assalamualaikum Aunt Maya!! The biggest dilemma i’m facing is whether or not to be in a relationship with a man for a few months and then break up and wait for marriage. The reason to why I want to be in a relationship at least for a few months even though I know that its haram is because my parents got married in the correct halal way but it turned to be the most horrible marriage ever. It just makes me realise that even though we can taaruf with someone, you might not know how they are actually like when you’ve become partners with them. Which is why I considered being in a haram relationship for a few months before marriage so that I know how the man would treat me if I am their partner. I understand that people can change anytime and that I should trust Allah for my marriage but I just dont want to risk being married to a man who may hurt his partner. and also, I really dont want my mother to see herself through me if I ended up having a similar marriage experience as her with my dad.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for your message and for being so open and honest about something that’s clearly been weighing heavily on your mind. 

What you’ve shared is deeply layered. It sounds like what you’re carrying isn’t just a question about relationships. Witnessing dysfunctional relationships shapes how we see love, trust, and even our own future. So before anything else, I think it’s important to process that. It’s not small, and it’s not something you can just “get over” quickly. 

What happened between your parents clearly left an impact. And you’re not wrong to want to protect yourself from going through something similar. The fear of repeating patterns and being stuck in something that slowly destroys your peace is valid. But what I want to offer is this: it’s also a sign that you’re already doing better. You’re questioning, reflecting, and consciously trying to break cycles. That can help put your healing in motion.

Now, the idea of being in a relationship for a few months to see how a man would treat you before marriage, I really want you to slow down here and unpack this. You said you know it’s haram, and I can sense that it is part of your fear that says, “I need to be sure this man won’t hurt me like my father hurt my mother.” That makes sense. 

But I also want to gently ask what you mean when you say “haram relationship.” If you mean emotionally and physically investing in someone with no boundaries, then yes, it’s completely outside the bounds of our deen. Islam doesn’t say that to restrict you or deny you love, it’s because Allah wants better for you, for your heart, dignity and sense of self, not less for you.

But let’s also ask: will being in a haram relationship truly give you that clarity? Or will it just give the illusion of control, while exposing your heart and your akhirah to harm? 

Because the truth is, we might feel like we’re protecting ourselves in the moment, but we’re also making choices that carry weight beyond this dunya, especially in the moments we’re most afraid, most uncertain, or most tempted to settle. This isn’t about guilt-tripping you, it’s about loving ourselves enough to choose what will carry us safely into the next life.

But if what you mean is that the standard way of getting introduced to someone often feels too formal or surface-level, I get that, especially in some cultural settings where things can feel rushed, or where your questions are dismissed, or where emotional compatibility isn’t prioritised. That is frustrating. But here’s the thing: getting to know someone properly doesn’t have to look like a rigid or awkward meeting. There are ways to do things that are both culturally relevant and rooted in deen. You can get introduced with the intention of marriage, spend time in public or group settings, and have open and honest conversations about intentions, values, communication, emotional safety, family expectations, all of it. You’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to ask the hard questions. You’re allowed to walk away if you don’t feel at peace.

The thing is, no method, arranged or otherwise, can give you complete certainty. People can change, and hearts can shift, which is the nature of this world. Even the most “perfect” marriage won’t be without its tests. The key is to build your foundation on something solid, something that invites barakah into your relationship, not something that slowly pulls you further from Allah.

I also understand you have a fear of seeing your mother’s sadness mirrored in your own life, and the pain of imagining her feeling like she passed on her heartbreak to you.  We often forget that our fears can be unfounded, and a therapist can help you figure out how to deal with them. And it is also important to remember that your story is not a continuation of hers. You are your own person. You’re allowed to choose differently, and that in itself can be a form of honouring her. To heal from generational traumas and to learn from the mistakes and harmful behavioural patterns we have witnessed in our elders, without carrying them forward.

So my advice, with all the love in the world, is this: take time to heal first. Sit with your past, grieve it, work through it, whether that’s through journaling, therapy, prayer, or speaking with trusted friends and mentors. Strengthen your relationship with yourself and Allah. Ask Him to guide you, to soften your fears, to grant you a spouse who is kind, emotionally intelligent, and God-conscious. And when you feel ready, then look into marriage, knowing that you don’t have to rush, and you don’t have to compromise your boundaries to feel secure.

You’re not alone in this. And you don’t need to go against your values to protect yourself. Allah sees your heart, your fears, and your intentions, and He is the best of planners.

Love + Duas
Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.