We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

---

How do I tell a potential spouse that I am infertile? I’ve been getting to know someone for the sake of marriage for a few months now. He’s a great person and checks off a lot of my boxes, but I would still like to get to know him a little bit better before taking the next step. He mentions that he wants to raise a family and do this and that with his future kids, but what if he can’t imagine a future without children? What if he can’t find fulfilment with just me? I always manage to steer the conversation away from the topic of children because it gets me so anxious, and I haven’t had the courage to tell him that I might not be able to have kids. I feel like this is something he should know before this turns into anything super serious, but I struggle to have this conversation with him. Do I tell him this the next time we speak on the phone or after I get to know him a little bit better?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for your honesty in writing this. I can only imagine how heavy this has been to carry on your own. It sounds like you’ve been navigating these conversations with care and integrity, and I want to reassure you that your desire to be thoughtful about when and how to share this is completely understandable. 

That said, I do believe this is something that should be brought forward sooner rather than later, especially since he has been open about his hopes for having children. When someone speaks with certainty and excitement about raising a family, and you know there’s a possibility that this may not be part of your path, even if not through your choice, it’s both fair and kind to let them into that reality early on. Not because you owe anyone a justification for your medical history, but because honesty at this stage allows you both to make an informed and respectful decision about whether to continue.

Some people may consider the ability to have biological children a non-negotiable part of marriage, while for others, it may not be a deciding factor at all. Neither position is wrong, it’s simply about compatibility and alignment. These are the kinds of values that, today, many people express up front, even on apps where you can indicate whether or not you want children. Since you already have this knowledge about your fertility, it’s important to allow both of you to have an honest conversation before things become deeply emotionally invested.

It may feel daunting to bring this up, but I would encourage you to do so the next time you speak. You don’t need to frame it as a dramatic reveal, rather, it can be a calm and honest conversation. If it’s easier, you can begin by framing it around your own hopes rather than medical facts. For instance, you might say:

“I know you’ve spoken a lot about wanting kids, and I’ve been thinking about how I haven’t shared much about where I stand on that. The truth is, I’ve been told I may not be able to have children. I understand that this might be a deal-breaker for some people, and I’d rather have an honest conversation about it now, before things go further.”

You also don’t need to share your full medical history if that feels too exposing or painful. If it helps, you can simply say that you don’t see yourself having children or that raising a family in the traditional sense isn’t something you’re planning for. That alone can be enough to start the conversation. If the relationship develops further and you feel safe, you can share more in your own time, but you’re not obligated to explain everything right away, especially if it’s still something you’re processing emotionally.

From there, how he responds will give you clarity. And that clarity is a gift, even if it’s painful. Because if this is something he feels he cannot navigate, it is far better to know that now, before your emotions deepen further. It doesn’t make him wrong or heartless, and it certainly doesn’t make you unworthy. It just means that your visions for the future may not be aligned, and that’s something it’s better to discover early, rather than later, when the cost is greater.

Make plenty of du’a before and after the conversation. Ask Allah ﷻ to guide both of your hearts to what is khayr and to grant you contentment with whatever the outcome is. 

I also want to gently offer this: if someone cannot imagine a joyful life with you unless it includes children, then they are not the person who is meant to walk this path with you. Discovering that now protects you from much greater pain down the road. You deserve a partner who doesn’t just love the idea of a family, but who sees you as the person they want to build a life with, however that life may look. 

May Allah guide your steps, soften the hearts involved, and give you strength and peace in whatever outcome arises. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

---

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.