We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

---

Dear Aunt Maya, I recently had a miscarriage, and I feel like no one really knows what to say. Some people avoid the topic entirely, and others offer platitudes that make me want to run away and scream. I feel completely isolated. I keep feeling guilty and wondering if I could have done something differently. My husband tries to help me, but I sometimes feel angry at him, too, which is badly affecting our marriage.  How do I deal with a loss that seems like an invisible one?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I am so sorry for your loss. This is an extremely difficult time, and it’s normal to feel a range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion. 

Despite how common miscarriages are (Up to 1 in 5 clinically recognised pregnancies end in miscarriage), it’s something people rarely talk about, and that’s exactly why it can feel so isolating. You may be surprised to discover just how many women in your circles have gone through it. 

There is a guilt that some may feel with a miscarriage, and difficult feelings about their bodies. It is important to affirm to yourself that you did nothing wrong and it is not your fault. It is also okay to need space or to have moments where you just can’t cope with the world. Many people mean well but simply don’t know what to say. It might be that you need more considered support to process your feelings and talk about them. Try to find online support groups for women who have had miscarriages, as they can offer comfort without putting pressure on you to talk to people or reply to them. 

I would also like to gently remind you that this is a shared loss for you and your husband. Even if he’s trying to stay strong for you, he must be grieving too. Try to talk openly with him, even if it’s messy, angry, or confusing. Let him share his feelings without fear of upsetting you, and allow yourself to be honest as well. Talk about the anger you are feeling towards him so that you can try to work through these difficult feelings. Miscarriages and grief can affect marriages and intimacy, consider how you can try and approach this as a unit where possible. This doesn’t mean you have to share the same emotions or process it the same; it is more about trying to work through this together. 

It’s also important to know that you may be at higher risk for postpartum depression after a miscarriage, which is often overlooked since the loss is not a tangible one. Try going for therapy, be it individual or couples counselling. It can be helpful for you both to understand each other and to teach you tools for dealing with the grieving process, and to communicate openly with each other. 

At the same time, give yourself gentle pushes, go out to see friends or family you feel comfortable with, try a new hobby, or binge-watch a comfort show. Surrounding yourself with people who love and care for you can also help you heal in small ways.

Above all, please remember to be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. Grief and healing occur at their own pace, and you cannot rush the process. 

It can also be comforting to remember that the miscarried fetus has a special station with Allah ﷻ. Mu’adh ibn Jabal reported that the Prophet ﷺ said, “By the One in whose hand is my soul, the miscarried fetus will carry his mother by his umbilical cord into paradise, if she was seeking its reward.” (Sunan Ibn Majah)

Imagine your baby waiting patiently at the gates of Jannah, refusing to enter without you. Allah sees your sorrow and pain and has promised the sweetest reunion in return for your patience and trust in Him. 

I genuinely hope that with time, care, and support, you and your husband can find peace and a way to mourn this loss together. Ameen.

Love + Du’as,

Aunt Maya

---

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.