We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salaams. I am the third child out of four and the oldest daughter, so I pretty much have all the stereotypical eldest daughter experiences – mother’s therapist, fixer, helper, emotional support. My parents’ marriage isn’t ideal; they have very different priorities and personalities, and my dad is ultra-focused on his work while my mother is lonely and still reliant on him for companionship (and is afraid to travel alone). It’s really frustrating to hear her complaints because she doesn’t change anything about her situation. I’ve suggested alternatives such as travelling with a group, or with friends, but she is very hesitant and only wants to travel with my dad, who has no interest. I feel sorry for her, and also guilty for having my own life and wanting to have my own plans alone or with friends. At the same time, I know that it is not my responsibility to provide companionship, manage her emotions and be her replacement husband. I feel a huge sense of guilt wanting and planning out my own life and plans without including her, and I also feel sorry and frustrated for her. How do I cope? I want to be selfish with my time, because I know that her needs for companionship are not my responsibility to fulfil.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for writing in. I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing. It sounds like you have been the emotional buffer in the family for a long time, which can get exhausting for anyone.

There is a lot that comes with being an eldest daughter, and I would encourage you to follow Home Girls Unite, who are all about helping eldest daughters feel seen.

Your feelings of guilt are valid, but it also shows how much empathy you have for your mother, which is a beautiful thing. This is a struggle many people can relate to, particularly those who are aware of the stark contrasts between their own lives and their parents’. The tension you describe between having empathy for your mother while still wanting to live your own life is something many children of immigrants experience. We have seen our parents make sacrifices and, at times, not have the freedom or opportunities to have fulfilling lives. This difference is often visible in the kind of emotional support women in previous generations got from partners.

We also have a lot more access and awareness through therapy, conversations and language to articulate what a full emotional life feels like. We can say things like, “this person is emotionally unavailable,” or “this relationship isn’t meeting my needs,” in ways previous generations often couldn’t. Generally, I think, the bar is now different in terms of what is expected from us.

The first thing to unpack here is that, despite knowing that it is not your responsibility to fix your mother’s life, you still feel guilty about it. Carrying this guilt can be emotionally draining and take up a lot of your headspace.

I encourage you to reconsider and renew your intention and the love you have for your mum that compels you to be supportive of her. Sometimes Allah ﷻ places certain burdens on us because He knows our capacity best and wants to elevate our status. Perhaps your ability to take on responsibilities at home and provide emotional support for your mum will pave the path to Jannah inshaAllah. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, just pause and talk to Allah, renew your intention, tell Him that you are supporting your mum for His sake and ask Him to make it easy for you to do so. 

At the same time, it is healthy to think about what your capacity is under this intention and how to find support for yourself. Wanting friendships, travel, and a life of your own is not selfish; it is a normal part of adulthood.

However, I also understand how frustrating it can be to offer solutions and watch nothing happen. At a certain point, continuing the cycle of listening, offering solutions and then watching her complaints return will drain you. One way can be to stop trying to fix everything for her, which might look like:

• Not engaging in repeated complaint loops
• Acknowledging her feelings without offering solutions
• Changing the subject when conversations become repetitive

Sometimes, eldest daughters find it difficult to ask for help because they are so used to doing everything on their own. Some people are observant and action-oriented, while others need to be told to pay attention to certain things, and that is okay. Try being more transparent with your siblings about how much you’re carrying. Actively ask them to check in on your mum regularly – you could even have a private rota that allows you to make sure there’s always someone keeping in contact with her. Be firm with them and start sharing logistical responsibilities (appointments, visits, planning, taking her out, etc). Remind them of their Islamic responsibility to their mother and that this isn’t yours to shoulder alone. Then, try to take a step back and allow space for others to come forward. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. 

You also need to accept that this is her life, and you cannot expect yourself to rescue her from it. Allowing yourself to carry the emotional burden of others, even a parent, is not sustainable in the long term. Perhaps it might be beneficial to try therapy, and also suggest your mum does the same? Talking to a therapist about this might help – they can teach you tools and techniques to navigate such sticky situations and empower your mother to do the same in her own life. 

Last but not least, make dua for your parents and for yourself, ask Him for peace and contentment for your mother, for a positive change in her and acceptance of what you cannot change. Ask Allah to guide your siblings towards sharing your load and make them more empathetic to your situation. Make dua for ease, and for Him to allow you to move forward in life without guilt. 

رَّبِّ ارۡحَمۡهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيٰنِىۡ صَغِيۡرًا

“My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.” (Surah Al-Isra 17:24)

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.