I have been divorced for a year and 2 months now, it was an incredibly difficult marriage, where I endured things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. This is a candid series of raw diary entries, to relay the thought process that occurs before making a decision that could be seen as life-changing for some.  I hope to shed light on some of the realities of divorce emotional, psychological, and practical, I will be navigating and journeying through it with you all, sharing my musings and what I went through along the way. I hope to relay a truth, to share with my sisters going through difficulty, to give you strength, and some comfort along the way.

A diary entry

29/11/2016

“‘Is he going to bring you closer to Allah? No. I really don’t think so.

If anything, I feel as though he will push me further away from Allah and Islam, because he will make it seem a lot more difficult than it actually is and make it so much harder than it actually is. Even when I was the most religious I have ever been, I did not restrain myself from doing things that were halal, e.g wearing colours, posting pictures etc. I feel like if anything he will become an obstacle to getting me closer to Allah. And if getting closer to Allah is my main purpose, which it is, then there is nothing more important than that.

Will he make me into a happy person? No, I don’t think so.

He makes me happy at times, but he does not make me into a happy person. If anything I feel more conflicted and sad since we have known one another.

Will you be able to live a life you’re happy and proud of? No.

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I will have to live the life that he wants, not the life that I want. What I want will not matter. And my children’s lives too. By making this decision to stay with him, I will surrender my life, for the rest of my life. When he tells me I need to commit. What it means is to commit and submit to him, the way HE wants me to live. How HE wants HIS wife to live her life.I will never be enough. And I won’t be happy because I won’t be living MY life. It will be his.

I won’t be able to wear what I want to wear. Go where I want to go. And his family too will treat me badly. I will be literally giving up my whole life, and surrendering to him if I continue with this. And he isn’t worth that. He really isn’t. No one is worth that. I am still young. I am only 23-24. I have so much of life left. I have so much time to find someone who is more in line with who I am and what I want from life. I still have so much time. And even if I don’t ever get married, then that’s ok, because my purpose in life is NOT to get married. It is to get closer to Allah. And it is a journey towards Him. It is a journey towards God. If you meet people on the way and share this short life with them then Alhamdulillah. But if you don’t then equally Alhamdulillah. We are on a journey and we can die at any moment on this journey. Life is so short. I will only maybe live for another 45 or 50 years, I may even die before that. But Allah doesn’t want us to live that life miserable. He wants to live a life we are proud of. He doesn’t want us to feel compelled to do anything. We are slaves to no one but Allah. And He does not want us to enslave ourselves to anyone but Him.

Life is so short. And we are all on a journey towards God. Our purpose in life is to worship God. Therefore anything or anyone that gets in the way of that purpose is something that we need to give up.

We are slaves to no one but God. No human. God. That is it! Our Master is no one but God. A slave is the one who listens to everything that the Master says.

The only difference between a free person and a slave is that a free person acts on their own will, but the slave acts on the will of the master. ‘

To be continued…”