We love producing our podcasts and take pride in the listening experience we’re able to provide for the Amaliah community and beyond, but we want to be able to deliver amazing content for everyone to enjoy!

So, we’ve got down to transcribing all of our episodes for our incredible series, Lights On, With Angelica Lindsey-Ali, so that you’re no longer in the dark…

We’ve brought in our favourite village aunty, community scholar and sex expert, Angelica Lindsey-Ali to answer your questions, concerns and curiosities on all things related to sex, intimacy and body confidence.

In episode four, we ask Angelica about sexiness and self worth, advice on having a sex life whilst living with the in-laws and tips on talking dirty.

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*Beginning of Episode* 

Sara:

Sex intimacy and female pleasure within the context of Islam. These aren’t all too often talked about subjects in the Muslim community. So we’ve been asking you to send us your questions or concerns on everything related to sex and intimacy, and have them answered by our favourite village aunty, community scholar and sex expert Angelica Lindsey – Ali, so that we’re no longer in the dark…

I’m Sara,

Angelica:

And this is Lights On! With me, Angelica Lindsey-Ali.

Sara: 

Angelica, here are this week’s submissions to the sex survey. The first one reads: “My husband helps me orgasm through his hands. It takes somewhere between 10-15 minutes, and he doesn’t complain, but he later tells me his wrists hurt, and he’s quite visibly a little bored during the whole thing. Since it’s the only thing he can focus on when he’s at it. Is there a quicker way for me to get there?”

Angelica: 

It can be extremely exhausting. If your husband has to finish you off or help you reach orgasm by using a mutual masturbation where he is actually helping you to reach orgasm. I have questions and I know you can’t answer them. But I would ask that you consider this: What is it about clitoral stimulation, which I’m assuming is what he’s doing, what is it about clitoral stimulation that brings you to orgasm? And have you tried other means? If you listen to some previous Amaliah episodes, I talked about various routes to orgasm that women can reach. Are you aware of your erogenous zones? Where do you like to be touched? What are the places that are most titillating when your husband stimulates them? Because if you’re constantly depending on him to help you reach orgasm through his hands, and he’s becoming tired, he can also start becoming resentful. And once resentment enters into the picture, it’s very difficult to have a healthy sex life with your partner. So talk to him and ask him Are there things that he could be doing differently? Have you tried konyaspor there’s an excellent book by Habiba Conde which breaks down the technique perfectly. You don’t have to just pinned on manual stimulation to reach orgasm, you may need to also look at other routes. I outline 15 different types of orgasms in a workshop that I do. But I shared a few of them in previous episodes that you might want to check out. You might want to consider is your mental state stuck on having orgasm through manual stimulation? And if it is, is it possible for you to expand your mind to other routes of reaching pleasure? This is something that you have to talk about with yourself internally and also discuss it with your husband. Find out what his frustrations are, and he might have ideas to help you have an orgasm in a different way. Communication is key to making sure that both partners are having their sexual needs met. And this sounds like a perfect opportunity to have that talk.

Sara: 

Angelica I live with my in laws. Me and my husband and newlyweds and it’s hard to get sex in. Visiting hotels and the like is also a no no financially. How can we get into it in a low key but satisfying way? I feel it’s affecting us a lot. And I feel quite anxious and tense when we do it.

Angelica: 

Living with the in laws can definitely put a wet blanket on sexual activity. The idea that someone else can hear you being physically intimate with your husband is mortifying for most women. But unfortunately, this is a reality for a lot of Muslim couples, especially newlyweds, those who are younger those who are trying to get on their feet financially. So since you are not able to move into your own place or go to hotels, might I suggest turning it into a game. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. So turn it into sex play. Engage in the normal foreplay, the physical activity, the sex that you would normally have with your husband. But instead of moaning and really getting into the moment vocally, be as silent as possible. The first person who utters even a tiny sound has to do a sex act of the other person’s choosing. Now this may seem totally boring to have sex and complete silence, but you’re not silent. you’re sharing each other’s breath. You’re looking into each other’s eyes You’re gazing deeply lens into wind, enjoying the moment If it becomes too intense, says grab a pillow and scream into that. But you have to make the best of the situation that you have. And this is actually a great game for building physical intimacy. sure there’s sex involved. But when you’re looking at someone right in the eye, and you’re not making sounds, you’re just engaging with them with their breath. It is so powerfully erotic, they can actually magnify the sexual experience.

Sara: 

Angelica, my partner loves that he took and so do i by can’t help but feel that it isn’t right in something as pure as in Islamic marriage. What are your thoughts on daddy talk in Islamic context and via different mediums like sexting, for example.

Angelica: 

Lots and lots of couples, Muslim and non definitely get off on dirty talk, whether that is face to face, or through the phone, sexting, video chatting, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Now, I am not a huge fan of nudies that include the face because even with the best encryption software, the possibility of something leaking, or the cloud being infiltrated some way it’s just too risky. But exchanging risque text messages, saying naughty things to each other during a sex episode, there’s nothing wrong with that. I think a good baseline is to understand that if you’re a Muslim, and your husband is a Muslim, you never want to say something that would degrade the other person that would ridicule them, or be something that goes against the rules of Islam. As long as you’re not violating the confines of the religion, dirty talk is fine. And if you ever feel that it gets too intense, there’s a very simple fix for that. Establish a code word with your partner, it could be something as simple as cheesecake. And if it gets to be too intense, or if you start feeling uncomfortable, you use the code word, and that lets your partner know that this is time to stop the dirty talk. It’s gotten to be too extreme. But there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, I’m a huge fan of sexting as a way to bring vibrancy and vitality, especially in long term relationships, or relationships that are experiencing a sexual Rep. There is nothing wrong with sending naughty messages to your partner, in fact, is something that might surprise them. And it’s a great way to have mental foreplay, before the actual physical action begins. So, text away.

Sara:  

Angelica,

Angelica: 

my partner makes me feel sexy, but how can I make sure that my idea of sexiness and this self worth isn’t solely based on him? I don’t want how I feel about my body only attached to him and how he views me, it is not uncommon for women to feel their sexiest when they receive external validation, whether that’s from friends who say, Wow, you look great in that dress, or from our husbands who say, Oh, you look so beautiful. It’s important that other people approve of how we look and feel. But you’re right. You don’t want to have your entire concept of you as a sexual being hinges on external validation. So make a list. list all of the things that you love about your sexual self, your sensual side, are they physical features, this is something about your personality, your voice. All of these things contribute to being sexy, sexy sexiness extends far beyond physical features. In fact, some of the sexiest people I know are not people that will be considered conventionally attractive. sexiness has to do more with an aura. A person’s sense of agency and power over themselves, is the way that they move throughout the world. Is that you? Is that what your husband is picking up on? If so, celebrate those things. As women, we often feel as if we’re being arrogant or vain when we play up those parts of ourselves that bring out our central side, especially as Muslim women. If you wear a hijab, or if you observe a certain level of modesty in public, it’s normal that you might feel as if that doesn’t translate once you get into private spaces. So go ahead and explore those parts of yourself that you love. And you’ll find that you’ll need less and less external validation and body positivity and self awareness. it fluctuates over time, with mood. With exhaustion level work stress, it’s normal to not always feel 100 at every given time. But once you embrace and understand the root cause the source of your sexiness Then you won’t need to rely on his validation. And by default, you’ll probably get even more of it in the process.

Sara: 

Angelica, we hear a lot about how we have to know our bodies in order to appropriately teach our partner how to please us. How do I navigate this? How would you recommend we explore ourselves.

Angelica: 

While it is absolutely important for a woman to know her body, so that she can inform her partner what she likes sexually, it’s equally as important to understand that sexual pleasure does not just stem from physical stimulation. So while masturbation is something that is definitely a hot button issue, pun intended, in the Muslim community, and lots of people shy away from it. It’s even something that I don’t really discuss in public circles. masturbation is not the only route for a woman to learn her body. It first starts with learning what the different parts of female reproductive anatomy are, and how they are meant to function. And then something as simple as taking a mirror and looking at what your body actually looks like. That does not require masturbation, but it is perfectly okay to see where the placement of your labia majora compared to your Lady Eleanor, our that’s very important. Also, knowing what you like, so if you already have a partner, and there are certain things that your partner likes to do to you with you, for you that are pleasing, you should make a mental note. And those are things that you can share about later. And also understand that sexual pleasure does not only stem from the vulva and the vaginal cavity, there are lots of other erogenous zones on a woman’s body that can be explored and stimulated and bring about sexual pleasure. In today’s world, we have gotten used to a quick fix for everything. And masturbation can be troublesome for some women because it is a reliable route to pleasure. But for women who do not engage in masturbation, a lot of times you can feel as if you’re stunted and you don’t quite have the tools, but you absolutely do. Because the mind is the largest sex organ. And so if your partner can stimulate your mind, and also some of those other erogenous zones that have nothing to do with the vulva, you can actually reach sexual pleasure as well. It’s important that you know your body, you know your cues, you know what stimuli works best and what doesn’t. Those are the routes that you need to take. And those are the things that you need to teach your partner so that both of you can have pleasurable sexual experiences together.

Sara: 

And lastly, Angelica, I’m single and constantly lusting after men. I don’t ever speak to any men, so I’m not worried about doing something I shouldn’t. But it is so distracting being occupied with thoughts about men 24 seven.

Angelica: 

Having a high sex drive or a high appetite for sex, even when one is unmarried, is not abnormal, it’s actually quite healthy. It only becomes dangerous when you begin to act on your impulses, or when those urges take over your mind. So if you’re spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about men thinking about sex, that might be an opportunity for you to refocus that energy in a different way. Now, I know that fasting is often prescribed and many people say that it doesn’t work. But fasting, along with other forms of spiritual purification are things that are often recommended to women who are dealing with the very same issue that you brought up here. So extending Vicar sessions, having longer prayer sessions, and also finding a way to channel your essential energy in a non sexual way is extremely important. Activating the sensuality in every day is something that I often talk about with women who are unmarried. So doing something that can bring tactile enjoyment, that is not sexual is extremely important. Can you take a bubble bath? Can you go and get a massage a pedicure? Do you like exercise? All of these are ways to engage physical sensations that are akin to sex, but do not cross that barrier between the hello and hot I’m also limiting your access to certain forms of media is extremely important. These days, we are inundated with lots of images, pictures, videos, songs that bring to mind sex. So it’s important that you are filling your mind in your space with things that do not encourage you to Think about venturing off into the hot I’m not talking to man is very important. But you also have to talk to yourself and manage your desires. Manage your expectations in a way that is healthy and doesn’t curb your appetite too much, but re channels it into a way that is more healthy, both for your mind, your spirit, and your body.

Sara:

“Hey everyone, thanks for reading this week’s episode of Light’s On! with Angelica Lindsey-Ali on the Amaliah podcast. We’d love to get your feedback about what you liked or took away from this episode, so hit us up at contribute@amaliah.com. You can also find us on Instagram here and on twitter, here! If you enjoy our episodes and want to support our production, you can click here! Like, share, subscribe and we’ll see you on the next one!”

*End of Episode* 

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