We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salam alaykum sis,

I’ve been married for two years now, but my husband and I live in different cities due to work. He comes home every weekend and we keep in touch over the phone, sometimes talking until either of us falls asleep. However, recently, he’s been acting differently. We don’t talk as much as we used to and when he comes home, he’s mostly on his phone. I tried talking to him about it, and he changes for a day or two but then it’s back to normal.

Out of frustration (I know it’s wrong), I went through his phone last weekend and I noticed that he’s been leaving weird emojis on women’s pictures on instagram like 🔥 or 😍. He’s also been clearing his chats on WhatsApp and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

I confronted him about the comments and he said they’re harmless. I expressed that they made me uncomfortable, but he says I’m policing his actions, and at the end of the day all that matters is how Allah sees him. “Allah knows his intentions weren’t lewd.” I’m stumped, and I don’t know what to do. I know they’re just comments and they shouldn’t be that deep, but I feel so uncomfortable. Yet, I also feel bad because the little time we have to spend on the weekend, all we end up doing is argue.

Response:

Walaikumasalaam sis, 

Thanks for writing in. This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. You say you are not sure how you feel, I think you do, but you may be scared that he will not respond to your emotions in a way that makes you feel seen and heard.

The first step is to acknowledge how you feel, it seems he has dismissed how you feel and so you are now second guessing by thinking things like “it shouldn’t be that deep.” While you may not have felt right going through this phone, you clearly felt compelled because you may feel deep down you cannot trust him.

Ultimately if you feel disrespected by something happening in your marriage and it is valid, which this totally is, your husband should be able to respect that and create space for you and take accountability for his behaviour.

You have only been married for 2 years, it seems there is an issue here in communication, he seems to be avoiding conversation through behaviours like being on the phone alot. I would also question what the long term living plans are as this paired with this behaviour is concerning to an outside reader.

I would suggest couples counselling or therapy in order to be able to talk through this issue without you having to second guess how you feel, which is what you are currently doing now as he is clearly on the defence. The foundations of a marriage should include trust, loyalty, transparency and healthy communication and you both need to work on these things.

You deserve to feel safe and secure in your marriage and anything that jeopardises that needs to be addressed. If he is unwilling to hear you out on this and really listen to your concerns and understand them, this is unfortunately a red flag as you will continue to second guess your own feelings, minimise them in order to appease him and not “ruin” the weekend time. You need to be prepared to think of other options should he not show enough respect to be able to change these behaviours. He may feel there will be no repercussions to his behaviour and so at the moment he is not taking you seriously with your valid concerns and you are doing all the work to ensure you are in a state of false harmony. 

We get what we demand in a marriage, not what we simply accept, and if we are scared to demand something we need, even a basic conversation about this, that means we will just accept whatever treatment we are given. 

I pray he is able to give you the respect you deserve.

Aunt Maya 

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional. 

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