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Amaliah Agony Aunt Corner: Should I ‘Settle’ and Say Yes, or Keep Waiting?

by in Relationships on 20th July, 2022

We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them to us here!


Salaam, 

I’m divorced (a few years ago) but thriving and am now at the point where I’m really considering marriage again, but cannot entertain bf/gf relationships. A number of proposals have come my way, but my dilemma is should I ‘settle’ and say yes, or keep waiting for something to happen more naturally? I’m conflicted because I’ve always said nobody should settle (which is how I view arranged marriages – wrongly or rightly), but I also just don’t want to talk to men beyond a platonic level. Help!

Response:

Walaikumasalaam anon! 

I hope you are well and in a good place, thank you for reaching out. 

What a wonderful journey you are embarking on and great to hear you are thriving. I pray Allah gives you ease in this next chapter in your life.

On the topic of settling, I am very much in the “nobody should settle” camp. If we look at all that Allah has laid out in what our God given rights are, Allah really makes us feel cared for, looked after and does not ask us to settle. 

There is a huge pressure on women to settle and for me it comes down to choosing your “hard”. For some settling is hard, for others not settling is hard. For some fear drives them to settle; they wonder if they will ever find someone they really want, they worry about familial and societal pressures, body clocks and so on. They settle and they may be fulfilled by the idea of companionship but not love what they truly have, while for others, they may also end up loving it. Some people don’t settle and end up finding the gem they have been looking for, while others never find that person in this life and commit to living a full life without such a companion. The decision to settle is a deeply personal one which can be impacted by a number of factors; someone’s want for a companion may be a greater need to them than their ideal. But if it causes you discomfort to settle then listen to that. 

There are calls to be realistic by women, but I also think we should be calling women to have more tawakkul in Allah, He is the giver of gifts (Al-Wahhab), and if you are truly seeking to not settle because you want to do the best for you in this life and the next, and because you want a marriage that is pleasing to Allah, make dua and trust in Allah and He will reward you for it. We sometimes see this as a cop out answer, but I don’t think we call upon Allah in these matters. He is the one that will hear your call and He is the one that will answer it in the best way tailored intimately to you and your needs. 

My question would also be, what do you feel you are settling on? I would think about how many of those are wants and how many are needs. For example, needs are things that are a must and these can be your non-negotiables e.g. must pray. Then we have wants like “Someone who loves going to museums and galleries”. Your needs list is what you are seeking and sometimes you may be enamoured by someone who is different to what you “wanted” so I would say keep an open mind here. I would personally not settle on the needs unless something better was being presented. 

On not wanting to enter a bf/gf relationship – I totally hear you on this and may Allah make this pursuit easy for you. It seems you have lots of options coming your way MashaAllah which is often a difficulty for many as they lack a trusted network to make introductions or recommendations. Perhaps you can have someone help you on the talking to men to get to know them, as this is key in understanding if you are settling or not! 

I pray you are able to find your person in this life and be rewarded in the next, abundantly through your union. 

Love and duas, 

Maya

Maya Areem

Maya Areem

Maya is a teacher by day and student by night. She hopes to pass on what she learns.