This piece explores the power of language in conflict in our lives and specifically in marriage. We know that words are powerful and once said they cannot be taken back. The writer Lubnah explores through evidence the things that we essentially should avoid in our behaviour and communications styles which often are an indicator of relationship breakdown and in some cases divorce.
Most people underestimate the power of words and language in our daily lives and how it eventually influences the path we tread. In the heat of a moment, we may say what we don’t mean, and think that ‘sorry’ will suffice at the end of the day.
But what if we decided to be more careful with what and how we speak in the first place? How can we still show love and compassion towards our partners and family during a conflict?
Doctor Gottman, an American psychological researcher and clinician, who did extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability, founded ‘The Love Lab’. He is known for his 90% accuracy in predicting divorce and has provided us with four primary predictors of divorce called ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse‘, which are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Criticism: When someone criticises their partner, it implies that something is wrong with them or that you are attacking their character. In this case, one focuses on winning the argument or proving the partner wrong. For example, when you say, ‘You never do this…’, ‘Why are you like this…’, ‘You’re always….’, the spouse feels attacked and elicits a defensive response. The right way is to make a complaint about your spouse’s behaviour and not attack their personality. For example, when X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z.
Contempt: This is the worst of the predictors of divorce. Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behaviour that puts you on a higher ground than your partner. This could be mocking your partner, calling him/her names, hostile humour, hurtful sarcasm etc. It attacks your spouse’s sense of self. It is also intended to put down or emotionally abuse or manipulate him or her. Instead, the couple should build a culture of respect, appreciation, tolerance and kindness in the relationship.
Defensiveness: This is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint. Another way is to act like a victim or whine. This can look like making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way). Saying things like “It’s not my fault,” or “I didn’t …” can also be cross-complaining, such as meeting your partner’s complaint or criticism with a complaint of your own or ignoring what your partner said. Couples are expected to take a moment, slow down and listen attentively to what their partner is saying without interrupting them. The point is: have conscious communication where you are both trying to understand what the other is saying and choosing the right way to respond.
Stonewalling: The silent treatment. Storming out. Shutting down. Changing the subject. Complete withdrawal from communication. All these are acts of stonewalling, a strategy we use to avoid conflict. This might be an, albeit unsuccessful, attempt to calm oneself when overwhelmed. However, a better way to deal with such situations is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed. It’s a good idea to verbalise that you feel overwhelmed. You can both agree to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.
Apart from these predictors of divorce or separation, there are some patterns of behaviour that sometimes cause further conflict without being fully aware of it.
We are all wired differently, right? Different backgrounds, different personalities, different cultures, races, behaviours etc. As such, it is normal that we experience life and our emotions differently. It will be quite illogical to think that our way of thinking or living is the ONLY right way to do it. This will just cause conflict and misunderstandings. As such, couples are advised to take time and understand each other’s love languages and work towards compromise rather than conflict.
Below are some main differences among couples and how they can reach a middle ground and understanding.
Some people are more comfortable and relaxed working alone or being alone rather than interacting with others. One spouse could be more family oriented than the other. Perhaps one involves their parents/siblings in their lives while others prefer dealing with their issues by themselves as a couple.
Someone who values independence first might get irritated or frustrated when they do not get enough alone time. Or when a conflict arises, they NEED personal space. Here, it is not a matter of wanting anymore, it is a NEED. That means if they don’t get their personal space ASAP, it will make them more anxious and stressed.
Togetherness-First person needs more interaction with others and may become anxious when the partner is not readily available. They always seek comfort. They NEED to know that everything is okay. They need that emotional contact to relax, and the lack of it might cause further anxiety.
When conflict arises, these two may get upset when their coping mechanism is not met by their partner.
Independence-First talking to Togetherness-First: “You are too needy! I can’t read your mind, just tell me what you want!”
“You are selfish for always wanting attention”
Togetherness-First talking to Independence-First: “You just run off when we have to talk about something important!”
“This doesn’t feel like a relationship, we are not a team!”
“You are selfish for only caring about yourself!”
Slow to upset people get anxious when there is conflict. They would rather remain silent to avoid further escalation of conflict. They stay calm to control the situation. They feel better about diffusing their upset feelings.
Readily upset people need to speak up right away when something isn’t right. They feel that conflict and arguments are normal and for them, speaking up about their upset feelings helps them calm down.
Slow to Upset talking to Readily Upset: “You throw temper tantrums anytime you don’t get something your way.”
“Nothing is ever good enough for you, you are just always negative.”
Readily Upset talking to Slow to Upset: “You just cover up your true feelings just to avoid conflict.”
“You just want to pretend like everything is okay.”
Problem-solving First people seek to deal with the situation by finding an appropriate plan for it. They don’t seek sympathy or validation from their partner. They don’t see the point in discussing feelings over what happened. They think, ‘Something wrong has happened, what do we do next?’
Understanding First people feel instantly better when they get a little understanding from their partner. They feel soothed when they get a little support and compassion. For such people, acknowledging their emotions or the intentions underlying their actions is important. What type of understanding are Understanding First people looking for? It’s a matter of timing. It’s not that they don’t want a solution, for them, understanding comes before searching for a solution.
Problem-Solving talking to Understanding First: “You just want to complain but never do anything to make things better”
“You just want to be upset! Maybe you just like feeling miserable”
Understanding First to Problem-solving First: “You don’t care how I feel, you just want to pretend as if nothing happened.”
“You just want to sweep your feelings under the rug.”
What can couples do to ensure more understanding?
No one can say one way of navigating life is better or more correct than the other. We are all different.
The important thing is to understand the other person’s view and stand. You can’t always expect your spouse to cross over to your sideline. Sometimes, according to the situation, you give them the space they need and sometimes, they give you the attention you need. They say love isn’t always what makes marriages stronger…it is the understanding, compromises, compassion, mercy and forgiveness. Take the time to learn how your partner functions and copes during conflict. Be kind. Be understanding. Be compassionate. There has never been a shortcut to a successful marriage, has there?
Despite this being mostly about couples and marriage, this information is useful for any other kind of relationship or interaction as well!
Lubnah Abdulhalim is a blogger at lubnah.me.ke. She is a full-time writer from Mombasa, Kenya and the author of 5 books -- 2 biographies, one children's book, one spiritual book and one collection of reflections and poetic prose. Her work has been published in different local publications. Lubnah has a degree in Journalism and Mass communication, a degree in Psychology and a diploma in Islamic Studies. She is also the founder of 'Creative Writers' League' where she conducts writing workshops tailored for the Coastal community.
By Sania Rahman