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Amaliah Agony Aunt: Am I Being Immodest if I Take the First Step and Tell a Man I’m Interested in Him?

by in Relationships on 23rd November, 2022

We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

Hi there, I’m a muslim woman at the age of 28. I’ve chosen not to flirt / date a man before, and I’m happy with my choices because I had tawakkul and I believe that if there’s a right man for me I’ll meet him at the right time. and I still believe that. But to be honest I don’t think I haven’t met a person suitable for me yet, and trust me I’m looking. My dilemma is if I’m mis-trusting the tawakkul process. 

When I’m meeting new people, sometimes I feel like there are some sparks there but I never let people understand that. I keep it to myself, and not do anything about it until I make myself forget him. Recently I have had a dilemma: should I keep being modest and not show a man that I’m interested in him until he makes the first move or should I do something/take the first step? I know I’m a shy person in this matter but I’m mostly scared that if I do make the first move, it’s not a right behavior for a muslim woman.

Maya Areem Responds:

I hope you are well and in a good place. May Allah reward you for your efforts and intention and for the trust that you have put in Him.

I actually asked someone with Islamic knowledge on the matter and she said that if you are interested in marriage then it is not against Islamic modesty to make the first step. You could also express interest and then also get involved with a third party to help guide you through if this is an available option for you.

There is a difference between flirting and merely stating intentions or suggesting a further conversation on the intention that you are seeking marriage. Stating intentions and interest will stop you from wondering ‘what if’. It is also said that Khadija (RA) turned to her best friend Nafisa to seek if Prophet Muhammad ﷺ would be interested in marriage after guaging his character and from here they sought to get married.

My biggest piece of advice would be to have someone on side, be it a friend or someone you trust who you are able to sense check with when you think you may be crossing a boundary. Often the moment when we know that we are transgressing our soul or doing something wrong is when we feel the need to hide it from those who keep us in check and care for our spiritual well being. You have done well to safeguard yourself and that can continue while you make active efforts through starting conversation with prospective partners.

Have a listen to this Amaliah podcast too about Muslims seeking marriage:

May Allah make it easy for you.


If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional. 

Maya Areem

Maya Areem

Maya is a teacher by day and student by night. She hopes to pass on what she learns.