We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Dear Aunt Maya,

I’m speaking to someone I met through the arranged marriage route. He seems like a generally good person; he ticks all of the boxes on paper. Our conversations are pretty bland though, I feel like we have no banter, no spark. Recently we were discussing the details of our upcoming nikah, and I was doing it with all the emotion I have when discussing data normalization techniques with my thesis supervisor. Is ‘spark’ actually necessary or even real? What ratio of butterflies and rationality go into making a good decision?

Maya Areem responds

Wa alaykum salaam, 

Thank you for taking the time to send in your dilemma and for trusting me to guide you through it. 

It’s entirely understandable to have concerns about the lack of chemistry with a potential spouse, but it is also true that this can develop over time.

Despite what the movies say, the initial stage of getting to know someone does not have to be filled with excitement and butterflies, because nerves and shyness can play a huge role in preventing you from opening up.

Rather, the foundation of a strong marriage lies in shared values, mutual respect, and compatibility in important areas of life. It is often said that marriages get better over time with effort from both partners.

It’s possible that the two of  you may need more time to get comfortable with each other before making a decision. Discuss this with him, and also seek advice from trusted family members, friends and scholars. 

Make sure you have a direct conversation with him about your concerns. By initiating a dialogue around this, you give yourselves an opportunity to understand each other’s perspectives better and take yet another step towards exploring your compatibility.

Here are a few additionally resources to help guide you through:

• Ted Talk: Finding Love in Arranged Marriages | Omar Durrani
• Here Are 53 Questions to Ask Your Potential Spouse

Lastly, but most importantly, gain closeness to Al- Wadud, the Most Loving, throughout this process. Take the time to sincerely perform Istikhara, seeking Allah’s guidance and wisdom regarding this potential marriage. Trust in Allah’s infinite knowledge and His ability to guide you towards what is best for your happiness and well-being.

This article may help:

• Everything You Need to Know About Istikhara: Dua for Istikhara? When to Pray It and Do You Have to Dream?

May Allah ease your affairs and bless your journey towards a fulfilling and blessed marriage.

Love and duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.