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Amaliah Agony Aunt: How Do I Make Peace With My Future Spouse’s Past?

by in Relationships on 29th July, 2023

We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

Dear Aunt Maya,

How do I make peace with my future spouse’s past that he had committed adultery, meanwhile I’ve been expecting to marry someone who protects his purity? I knew this after accepting his proposal & I’m optimistic that he can be a good leader of my future family, insha’Allah. But I can’t deny that it still saddens me & makes me think badly of him. Moreover, I can’t share this with my family because it’s related to someone’s a’aib & I feel lonely facing this uneasy emotion.

Maya Areem responds

Salaam alaykum,

Thank you for sharing your dilemma with me, and for trusting me to help you through it. I pray Allah fills your heart with ease and guides you in the right direction. 

I understand how difficult it must be to try and come to terms with this situation and make a decision on your own, but perhaps it does not need to be this way. 

It seems you and your future spouse have the foundation of open communication as his past has been shared with you and you are hopeful in his capabilities as a husband and leader of your family. I would strongly suggest that you approach this with him and let him know how you feel. His support in this will help you make peace with his past and his response will give you a strong indication on how to proceed in this relationship. 

Secondly, have you considered couples therapy? Consider seeking the assistance of a marriage counsellor who will be able to guide your conversations and provide strategies to address your concerns.  Professional support can be invaluable in rebuilding trust and strengthening your bond as you go into marriage.

Also think about speaking to a trusted scholar who you can confide in. In this way, you will not have to discuss these matters with close friends and family but will have an outlet to share your concerns and relieve some of the burdens of your heart. Having someone listen and offer advice from an Islamic perspective will help guide you in the decisions you need to take before marriage and also provide support throughout your marriage. 

Lastly, I will say that while it is natural to feel saddened by your spouse’s past actions, Allah is the Most Forgiving. Trust in His infinite mercy and His ability to guide and transform hearts. 

May Allah grant you the strength, support, and guidance to navigate this situation.

Love + duas,

Aunt Maya

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.

Maya Areem

Maya Areem

Maya is a teacher by day and student by night. She hopes to pass on what she learns.