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Amaliah Agony Aunt: How Do I Heal From My Relationship With My Father?

by in Relationships on 26th June, 2023

We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

Dear Aunt Maya,

Assalamu Alaykum. I pray this finds you well. My parents separated when I was young. As I grew up my relationship with my father became extremely estranged (with lots of family politics involved), I never had a relationship with him, he doesn’t engage with me, or respond to my communication. He prioritises his new wife and kids over everything. This makes me extremely sad, it makes me question my self worth a-lot and I often don’t understand why I’m not good enough. Seeing him with his new family breaks my heart and how well he treats them. Please advise on how to heal and let go from such a close relationship (such as father and daughter) which Allah has held so highly?

Maya Areem Responds:

Salam alaykum, 

Thank you for writing in and trusting us with your dilemma. I am sorry for the pain and struggle you’re experiencing due to your fractured relationship with your father. 

I would first remind you to always allow yourself the space and grace to grieve the loss of the father-daughter relationship you envisioned, especially as you see him or others enjoying healthy relationships with their families. It is a space that is hard to fill, and your feelings are completely valid. Allah sees your pain and I trust that He has something much better in store for you.

The Prophet (SAW) said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.”

Secondly, your self-worth is not defined by your father’s actions or choices. You are inherently valuable, regardless of anyone else’s behavior. Treat yourself with the same kindness that you would a dear friend. 

Remember that there are many others in your life who love and appreciate you. Seeking support from them can make a significant difference in your healing journey. Expressing your feelings in a healthy way can help you feel less isolated in your struggle.

While you may not have control over your father’s actions, you do have agency over your own well-being. Setting healthy boundaries is a way to protect yourself from further emotional harm. If interactions with your father consistently lead to pain and distress, consider limiting contact or creating a healthy distance that safeguards your emotional health.

Lastly, remember that healing is a gradual journey. There’s no fixed timeline for moving forward, and it’s okay to take one step at a time. Your feelings are valid, and you have the strength within you to heal, grow, and find peace. I pray that Allah grants you comfort, strength, and a heart at ease.

Love + duas, 

Aunt Maya

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.

Maya Areem

Maya Areem

Maya is a teacher by day and student by night. She hopes to pass on what she learns.