We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salaam Aunt Maya, I think I know what I need to do but I am struggling to do it so I wondered if you have advice. I realised that for much of my life I have been living to fulfil the expectations set on me from my family and friends. To be quite honest, I feel like I have sleep walked through life, I chose my degree just because that is what my peers were doing, I went to work in the corporate world because that is what everyone was doing and I realise so much of my life down to how I dress is about fitting in, rather than thinking about who I am. I have the urge to just quit, but I won’t of course, because I have no clue what another version of my life could look like. What would you advise? Where do I start in unpicking my life?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Feeling like you’ve been living to meet external expectations rather than your own dreams can be incredibly disheartening. Realising how much external influences have shaped your life is a huge step, and it’s the first move towards making meaningful changes. Take this realisation as a gift, as many people go through life without ever second guessing their path.

It sounds like you need to get to know yourself better, which is a really exciting journey to embark on. To start unpicking your life, it might be a good idea to begin a “season of yes” for a year, be open to new experiences and meeting new people. You never know what you’ll be exposed to and how that can change the course of your life. Additionally, trying to slowly explore other areas and interests that you think another version of yourself would enjoy, such as reading memoirs of people who have lived different lives or exploring career changes, can be incredibly inspiring.

On this journey you will start to be able to understand yourself more, understanding what you truly like, don’t like and what excites you. It is a mere exercise of noticing yourself and what you are drawn to can often give us big clues and nudges to living a life that feels more true. Think about moments when you felt most alive or fulfilled. If you haven’t had the chance to explore these interests deeply, consider experimenting with them. For example, whether it’s a creative hobby or a different career path, try taking a class or joining a community related to that interest. This can help you understand what resonates with you on a deeper level.

Today’s hustle culture can make it hard to enjoy hobbies just for the sake of personal satisfaction. The pressure to constantly achieve and be productive often robs us of the joy of simply exploring and learning. Remember, it’s okay to pursue activities that stimulate your mind and bring you joy without needing them to result in measurable success. 

To bring more joy into your life, recognise that you are worthy of the time and effort you’re investing in yourself from now on. Try to indulge in activities that make you happy, such as reading or spending time outdoors. These could also simply be going to the gym to stay physically active, attending local meetings or joining groups focused on things you enjoy, like art or book clubs. Treat yourself kindly – take a bath, cook a nice meal, buy yourself flowers, or indulge in a small treat. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself, you deserve care and kindness.

Next, you can take a close look at aspects of your life that you want to change. Are there specific areas where you feel stuck? For instance, if your current job feels unfulfilling, try looking into potential career shifts or side projects that align more with your interests. Creating a vision board or a list that includes elements representing your passions, values, and dreams can also help clarify your goals and keep you motivated. 

Rather than making drastic changes all at once, start with small, manageable steps. For example, if you’re unhappy with your career, try exploring new fields or taking a free course in areas you are interested in. Youtube is a great place to start, you can set aside just 1-2 hours per week to explore a course and see if it interests you. This approach allows you to test things out and build confidence before making larger commitments. You could also consider seeking professional advice from a career coach or mentor who can provide personalised advice and support based on your unique situation that can help you navigate your career transition more effectively.

Additionally, think about your social circle. Sometimes, the people around us reinforce certain expectations. Evaluate whether your current relationships support your growth or add to your stress. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to explore and embrace who you really are. Sometimes we are also scared to live the truest version of ourselves that aligns with Allah (SWT)  as we are worried about what the perception of us will be from others. A big part of living a true version of yourself and getting to know yourself is being able to let go of societal and cultural expectations and standards that aren’t beneficial to you.

Seeking guidance through prayer (Salat al-Istikhara) can help you find clarity and peace of mind. Reflect on your intentions and ask Allah (SWT) for guidance in making decisions that align with your true self.

Finally, create a realistic plan outlining how you can gradually incorporate your new interests and values into your life. Set short-term goals that align with your vision and be prepared to adjust them as needed based on your experiences.

This journey is about finding what truly fulfils you and living in a way that aligns with your values. It’s normal to feel uncertain, and it’s okay to go through a process of trial and error. Growth will come as long as you are patient with yourself, and trust that every step you take toward authenticity brings you closer to a life that feels truly yours. 

May Allah (SWT) grant you ease and clarity in this journey. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.