We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Dear Aunt Maya, I hope this message finds you well. I’m seeking your advice on a delicate matter involving my mother, which is affecting both my marriage and personal well-being. I’m a 27-year-old married revert. My 80-year-old father has recently faced health issues, and while he is recovering, my mother, who is significantly younger at 57, has been quite controlling and intrusive. She often calls and messages me throughout the week, expecting me to act as both a friend and a caregiver, despite our Sunday visits and my involvement in managing my father’s medical needs. The constant communication and her lack of respect for my personal space are putting a strain on my marriage and negatively impacting our intimate life. My husband has been exceptionally supportive, but the ongoing stress is taking a toll on us. Recently, my husband has been offered a work opportunity overseas and wants me to accompany him. I am uncertain how to approach the subject with my mother, as I don’t want to hurt her feelings but also need to establish boundaries to protect our marriage and well-being. How can I communicate to her that I need to limit our interactions to Sundays, with emergency calls only during the week? Additionally, how can I discuss the potential move without causing unnecessary conflict or distress? Thank you for your guidance. 

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to balance your responsibilities as a daughter, wife, and an individual, especially when it involves the people you care deeply about. I hope Allah (SWT) makes it easy for you all and grants your father good health.

It’s essential to understand that setting boundaries is not about creating distance or diminishing the love you have for your mother. Rather, it’s a necessary step to ensure your well-being and the health of your marriage. Islam teaches us to be kind and respectful to our parents, but it also emphasises the importance of balance and fulfilling the rights of our spouses.

When it comes to setting boundaries, it’s important to understand that you don’t always need to have a direct conversation with your mother about them. Therapists often suggest that boundaries are for us to maintain, rather than expecting others to follow them perfectly. You have the right to decide what limits you need and then quietly stick to them, even if your mom finds it difficult. It’s natural that she might feel upset or hurt by these changes, but as an adult, she is ultimately responsible for managing her own feelings and reactions. You may not find the perfect words to make everything okay, and that’s something we need to accept with compassion. What’s most important is that you’re caring for yourself and your relationships in the best way you can.

For example, if you decide that limiting communication during the week is necessary, you can quietly enforce this by responding only to urgent matters and keeping other interactions brief. You could send a message saying you’re busy at the moment and will call back later, so there’s no expectation of a quick response. There’s no need to formally declare this to your mother; simply let your actions speak for themselves.

Only you know whether you can have an open conversation about this, or if it’s better to quietly establish your boundaries. However, if you do decide to address the issue directly with your mother, consider starting the conversation with empathy. Acknowledge the challenges she’s been facing, especially with your father’s health issues, and let her know how much you value your relationship with her. You might explain that the constant communication, while well-intentioned, is beginning to take a toll on you. Framing your request as a way to preserve the quality of your time together rather than focusing on reducing the quantity could be helpful. 

Reassuring your mother that this decision isn’t about pulling away from her but about finding a balance that allows you to be the best daughter, wife, and person you can be is crucial. Emphasise that Sundays will remain a special time for both of you and that you’re always available for emergencies.

A way to set boundaries for yourself might be to imagine you’re doing it for a small child, a child version of someone you love or even your inner child who needs love and attention. It can be challenging to feel empathy for yourself, especially when manipulation is involved. But if you put someone else or someone you care about in your place, it might help you think more clearly and act with the compassion you deserve.

When it comes to discussing the potential move overseas with your husband, approach the subject with the same level of empathy. You might say, “I want to share something exciting! My husband has been offered a great job opportunity overseas, and we might move there together. I’m seriously considering it because it would help us grow as a couple. I know the distance will be hard to adjust to at first, but I hope you can support us as we make this decision and move forward.” Remember that while she may feel hurt or upset, your responsibility is to gently let her know, rather than take accountability for her hurt.

Offering alternatives to maintain your connection with her, such as regular video calls or visits during holidays, can help ease her worries. This can reassure her that you’ll still be present in her life, even if you’re physically distant. If the move does happen, you might also explore other support systems for your mother, such as involving other family members or community resources, to ensure she doesn’t feel isolated.

Last but not least, make fervent du’a to Allah (SWT) to grant mercy and strength to your mother so that she can navigate these changes with grace and find peace in her heart. Trust that Allah (SWT)’s guidance will help you both through this challenging time.

رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا

Rabbir hamhumaa kamaa rabbayaanee sagheera

“My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.” (Surah Al-Isra 17:24)

Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care and love for those around you. By protecting your well-being and marriage, you’re ensuring that you can be the best version of yourself for everyone involved.

May Allah (SWT) grant you wisdom, patience, and ease as you navigate this situation. Ameen.

Love + duas,
Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.