We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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I recently lost someone really close to me, and I’ve been struggling with how to deal with it. My family is big on following all the traditional rituals around grief, like going to the janazah and the gatherings afterward. But honestly, I’ve found it really hard to participate in all of that. It’s not that I don’t care or that my faith is shaken—it’s just that I feel too overwhelmed to go through the motions right now.

My family doesn’t really get it, though. They think I’m pulling away and not grieving the “right” way, which is making me feel even worse. I don’t want to disrespect the process or upset anyone, but I just don’t feel ready to do what they expect. How can I make them understand this? Is there something wrong with me and my way of grieving?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Firstly, I want to extend my deepest condolences for your loss. Losing someone close to us can be heartbreaking, and trying to process the grief that follows is a personal journey that can be incredibly draining. Your feelings of overwhelm are completely valid, and it’s important to acknowledge that everyone grieves differently.

I want to reassure you that nothing is wrong with you. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve; it’s different for everyone. We all have different coping mechanisms, and our minds and hearts find their own ways to protect us. Grief is deeply personal, and you should never feel guilty or inadequate for how you’re processing it. Sometimes, it feels completely out of our control, and that’s okay. Let yourself experience it in the way it happens for you—there’s no rush or timeline to follow. Be kind to yourself as you go through this. You may find that your grief will evolve over time, and it might surface in ways you didn’t expect. This is part of the journey, and it’s completely natural.

It is true that cultural and familial expectations around grief can often feel like a weight on top of the sorrow we’re already carrying. It’s understandable that participating in rituals around death might feel too heavy right now, especially when you’re still trying to process your emotions. It is a simple reflection of your current state of grief. Grieving is a process that doesn’t follow a set schedule, and it’s okay to carve out your own path.

It may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your family about how you’re feeling. You could express your appreciation for their rituals and the support they provide, but also share that you need to process your grief in a way that feels right for  you. You might say something like, “I appreciate how important these rituals are, but right now, I’m finding it really hard to engage with them. It doesn’t mean I don’t care or I’m not grieving; I’m just doing it in my own way.”

Consider proposing alternative ways to honour your loved one that feel right to you. For instance, if you don’t have the strength to recite the Qur’an, try listening to it. Its healing properties can bring comfort and soothe your heart, even when you feel emotionally drained. Another way to find peace is by remembering and sharing the good memories you had together. Reflecting on these moments can bring comfort, and your family may also appreciate hearing these stories, creating a shared space for healing through the memories of your loved one.

May Allah ﷻ grant you comfort and peace during this difficult time. Remember, it’s okay to seek support for yourself, whether through friends, community, or professional help, as you navigate your grief.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.