We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Dear Aunt Maya, My dad passed away a few years ago but I’m still struggling with reconciling with my feelings around it. Our relationship was not healthy, he was physically and emotionally abusive to me, often making me the scapegoat for family, work and marital issues, oversharing personal information and exceeding normal parent-child boundaries by complaining about his intimate life to me, and financially controlling, forcing me to take on a lot of debt, telling me I was a bad daughter if I ever argued back. I’m in a good place and have had therapy, but I still struggle with grieving him. People say I should just forgive him and not hold onto feelings, but the impact his actions have had will be with me all my life. I feel so angry still. I feel I’ve never had a loving father and mourn that too. I don’t know what to think or how to move on.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I’m really sorry to hear all that you have been through and I can only imagine the depth of emotion you must feel as you navigate this grief. Losing a parent is never easy, but when the relationship was as difficult and painful as yours, it creates a unique and complex kind of loss that not everyone will understand. Please know that your feelings—anger, mourning, and everything in between—are valid and deserve to be acknowledged without judgment. 

Your father’s actions clearly caused harm, and you’re carrying the weight of that impact. It’s natural to feel conflicted, as it isn’t just about losing a parent but also about mourning the relationship you wished you’d had. Every child deserves a loving, nurturing parent, and it’s understandable to grieve what could have been instead of what was. That mourning is deeply human and speaks to your ability to recognise your own worth, even when it wasn’t affirmed by him. You may feel like you missed your chance to have your father love you as you deserved, but it’s worth reframing this: he missed his chance to be the father you needed. He made choices to give you pain and heartbreak, but those choices do not diminish your worth. This reframe can be empowering as you move toward acceptance of what was, and more importantly, as you focus on what lies ahead for you.

Grief in these situations can feel strange and heavy as if your emotions are pulling you in multiple directions. People often talk about forgiveness as if it’s the solution to moving on, but forgiveness isn’t something you can—or should—force. In Islam, we’re encouraged to forgive, but that doesn’t mean ignoring the pain someone caused or pretending everything is okay. Sometimes, forgiveness is less about excusing someone’s actions and more about finding a way to free yourself from their hold over your heart. You don’t have to rush this process, and you don’t owe anyone a specific timeline or outcome. 

People who suggest you “just forgive and let go” may mean well, but their words can feel dismissive of the depth of your pain. It’s okay to set boundaries with such comments and instead focus on what resonates with you. You have the right to process your emotions on your own terms.

Anger is a natural and valid response to what you endured. It’s not something to fear or suppress—it’s something to acknowledge and understand. Writing a letter to your father, even if you don’t send it, could help you process some of those emotions. Pour out everything you’ve held inside: the pain, the unmet needs, the boundaries he crossed, and the anger that still lingers.  The hope is that the more you process your emotions and feelings around this, in time the lighter the burden will feel. Many people have found that expressing these feelings, even privately, can help release some of their emotional weight. Facing your anger directly allows it to soften over time, making room for acceptance—not of his actions, but of how they shaped you and the strength you’ve developed in response. While the wounds he left may never fully disappear, they don’t have to define the rest of your life. You’ve already shown so much strength in seeking therapy and reflecting on your feelings. That strength will carry you through as you continue to heal.

At the same time, you might consider working with a counsellor who specialises in complex grief. Grief tied to trauma and unresolved pain can take different forms over time. A specialist can guide you through this process, helping you make sense of the tangled emotions and giving you tools to navigate them in a way that brings you closer to peace.

It is also important to remember that grief ebbs and flows. Take the good days as they come and be grateful for moments of lightness, even if they feel fleeting. Over time, those moments will grow. When the hard days come, let them. Feel the heaviness, cry if you need to, and take care of yourself—whether that means resting, eating, stepping into the sun, or spending time with people who bring you comfort. These small acts of care and connection can help you heal in ways that aren’t always immediately visible.

If you feel ready, turning to Allah in moments of vulnerability can bring immense solace. Make du’a for guidance, for your heart to find ease, and for the strength to move forward without the weight of your father’s actions defining your future. Grief is a deeply personal journey, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. What matters is that you permit yourself to grieve in your own way, on your own timeline. 

You can also reflect on the lessons his behaviour taught you—not as a means of excusing it but as a way of empowering yourself to create healthier, more loving relationships in your own life. This journey will take time, and there’s no rush. Be gentle with yourself as you move forward. Healing isn’t linear, but with each step, you’re creating space for peace and self-compassion.

May Allah grant you ease, heal your heart, reward your patience and fill your life with the kind of love and care you’ve always deserved. 

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.