We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salam Aunt Maya I am struggling with living back in my childhood family home due to financial hardship. I am getting retriggered around expectations of how I should be in my thirties and feel trapped. I feel the pressure to get married and have a family which I don’t want right now. I am being treated like a child and am judged for not fulfilling the role of a mother while my brother is praised for having gotten married. My mum places her worthiness on what I achieve and so when I don’t live up to what is her idea of what a Muslim woman should be like I am constantly put down. I am from a South Asian family and I’m not sure if this is cultural or Islamic expectations. I would appreciate your guidance on this insha’Allah.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I can feel the weight of your situation, and I want to acknowledge how difficult it must be to deal with the unreasonable expectations placed on you. The challenge of living back at home under conditions that trigger past dynamics and feelings of isolation is a lot to handle. I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid, and you are not alone in this.

First and foremost, your worth is not tied to what others expect of you. Islam values each individual’s intentions and choices, and there is no prescribed path that dictates a woman’s worth. Marriage and motherhood are significant roles in Islam, but they are not the only roles that define who you are. Allah has given each of us our own journey, and the expectations placed on women—especially within cultural contexts—often go beyond what Islam actually prescribes.

It sounds like much of the pressure you’re facing comes from cultural expectations rather than Islamic teachings. South Asian communities, like many others, often emphasise marriage and motherhood as markers of success for women, while men’s achievements are celebrated differently. In Islam, however, a woman’s worth is not dependent on whether she is a wife or a mother. The Prophet’s ﷺ beloved wife, Aisha RA, did not have children, yet she was one of the most knowledgeable scholars in Islamic history. Women have always had diverse roles in society, and their contributions are not limited to family life.

That being said, I understand how deeply ingrained cultural expectations can feel, especially when they come from a parent. Other people’s critiques of how we live our lives can encroach on our sense of self. It may be helpful to define for yourself what you truly want out of life, separate from your mother’s expectations. When you hear things that don’t align with your own values and aspirations, remind yourself: This is what she wants for me, but it is not what I want for myself. Over time, reinforcing this distinction can help you stand firmer in your choices.

It is incredibly difficult to have these conversations with family members, particularly parents. Many of us are raised to avoid confrontation out of respect, but sometimes setting boundaries means being prepared for uncomfortable moments or even a temporary rupture in the relationship. If you feel ready, you might consider gently expressing your feelings to your mother, “I know you have certain hopes for me, and I appreciate your concern, but I need to find my own path in life. When you say things that make me feel like I’m failing because I haven’t married yet, it really hurts me. I want you to see me for who I am, not for who I am not.”

If direct conversations feel too daunting, setting small boundaries can be a good starting point. Here are some ways to set boundaries:

State Your Feelings Clearly: When your mother or others say something hurtful, you can simply say, “Mum, what you’re saying sounds mean. It’s not nice.” Sometimes, just naming the hurt out loud disrupts the pattern.

Limit Certain Conversations: If marriage or life choices come up too often, redirect the conversation: “Let’s talk about something else. How was your day?”

Create Physical Boundaries: Find a space in the house that is yours, even if it’s just a small corner where you can unwind, journal, or reflect without interference.

Take Breaks: Step outside, go for a walk, or spend time with supportive friends when things at home feel overwhelming.

Seek Support Elsewhere: Connect with others who share your experiences. Whether online or in person, having people who understand can be incredibly affirming.

For more practical tips, you can read our article: 5 Ways to Set Boundaries in a Muslim Household.

It’s exhausting to be put down by someone whose approval you naturally seek. When criticism has been ongoing for years, it can be hard to challenge it—especially when the other person has also internalised these patterns. But you deserve to feel respected in your own home. Even if your mother doesn’t change immediately, you can still change how much you let her words define you.

Lastly, please take care of your mental and emotional well-being. Carve out daily moments of peace, even if they’re small—whether that’s journaling, taking a deep breath after prayer, or stepping outside for fresh air. If it’s accessible to you, speaking with a therapist or counsellor could also provide valuable emotional support. Your space, your peace, and your voice matter. If you’re looking for support, you can find a list of organisations to reach out to here: Muslim Mental Health: The Services and Organisations You Can Contact

And above all, make du’a. Ask Allah to strengthen your heart, to grant your mother understanding, and to give you ease in navigating this chapter of your life. Remember, no effort made for His sake is ever lost. May He guide you toward a future that aligns with who you are meant to be.

Love + Duas,
Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.