We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.
We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.
Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!
Salam Aunt Maya. My spouse DMs women on social media, how do I deal with it? We’ve been married for a year and a half now.
Maya Areem Responds:
Asalamu Alaykum,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through; I can only imagine how hurtful and confusing this situation must be for you. Marriage is meant to be a bond built on trust, respect, and understanding, and it’s disheartening when those foundations feel shaken. Nobody enters into a marriage expecting to be disrespected, and it’s completely natural to feel unsettled when your spouse’s actions don’t align with your expectations of loyalty and commitment.
As we don’t know the nature and details of these interactions, only you can put this advice into context. It must be difficult trying to understand why your spouse is engaging in this behaviour. You may be feeling hurt, confused, or even angry, and that’s all perfectly valid. When faced with such a situation, it’s important to first reflect on your emotions and intentions. Are you reacting out of hurt? Do you feel betrayed, or are you simply struggling to understand his behaviour? By understanding your feelings, you’ll be better equipped to approach the situation in a way that is constructive, rather than reactive. Take some time to make du’a, asking Allah ﷻ for guidance and clarity on how to handle this delicate matter.
Once you’ve reflected and made du’a, the next step is to address the issue directly with your spouse. When you’re ready to talk, choose a calm and private moment to have an honest conversation. Let him know outright what you have seen and ask him about it. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed these interactions, and they’ve made me feel unsettled. Can we talk about what’s going on?” Try not to make assumptions or accusations, but instead focus on how his actions have made you feel.
If his actions have crossed boundaries that compromise the trust in your marriage, it’s essential to communicate to him what you feel is acceptable and what isn’t, based on the values you both share as a Muslim couple. Only you will know if what has happened is a transgression that makes continuing the marriage impossible. Remind him of the boundaries of modesty and the shared commitment to uphold them.
Allah says in the Qur’an,
“O Prophet!˺ Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity. That is purer for them. Surely Allah is All-Aware of what they do.” (Surah An-Nur 24:30)
How he responds to this will tell you a lot about the state of trust in your marriage and what is happening. If he is dismissive or downplays the situation, you can bring it back to your feelings and boundaries by saying, “Regardless of how you see it, I want you to understand that as your wife, this behaviour has made me feel hurt, disrespected, and distanced from you.”
This is an opportunity to observe whether he takes accountability and genuinely cares about your feelings. If his response feels inadequate or evasive, trust your instincts to guide your next steps. You know your own standards, and you know what you can and cannot accept in your marriage, so trust your gut as you reflect on what his response reveals about your relationship. If he is willing to acknowledge the issue and work towards change, firmly set clear boundaries for what you both consider appropriate, especially when it comes to interactions with the opposite gender. Setting these guidelines can help prevent misunderstandings and strengthen your connection.
If he becomes defensive or dismissive of your concerns, it may be necessary to seek external support. Sometimes, involving a trusted third party—whether a family elder, community leader, or counsellor—can provide valuable perspective and help resolve deeper issues. Islamic marital counselling can also be a crucial resource for couples facing challenges like this.
However, if after having these discussions, you don’t see any real change in his behaviour, it’s okay to give an ultimatum. In this case, it could be a necessary step for the preservation of your own dignity and mental well-being. I acknowledge that this process can feel destabilising and it is a heavy burden to navigate. But ultimately, addressing it directly will help you determine where you stand and what needs to change for your marriage to feel secure and fulfilling once again.
It is important to remember you don’t have to tolerate behaviour that disrespects you, and it’s imperative to communicate that you cannot continue in the relationship without respect and trust.
Throughout this process, it’s crucial to take care of your mental and emotional health. Confide in someone you trust if you need support, and make time for self-care. Remember, maintaining a marriage is a journey that requires continuous effort and growth, but both individuals must be committed to upholding their responsibilities and values.
Finally, place your trust in Allah, the One who mends hearts and brings ease after hardship. May Allah bless your marriage with understanding, trust, and barakah, and guide both of you towards a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Love + Du’as,
Aunt Maya
If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.
