We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salaam Aunt Maya! I hope you are well, and thank you for doing this! I graduated college over a year ago and live with my parents. As the eldest daughter, I find myself taking on the most responsibility, especially since my younger siblings aren’t very active and treat me like their third parent. My parents also rely on me the most because they see me as the most competent. They are getting older, and their health has its ups and downs—may Allah grant them shifaa. But my main concern is the long-term responsibility. How will this look as I get older? Living with them and constantly being the one they turn to makes me worry about developing an unhealthy dynamic. Sometimes, I get frustrated and have to remind myself that they are my parents and I am the child. But as our roles shift, how do you get your parents to see you as an adult rather than just the dependable daughter they can always lean on?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu alaykum,

I understand that this situation can be really challenging. Being the eldest daughter comes with a lot of responsibilities that often feel like they were just handed to you without a choice. When your siblings aren’t stepping up and your parents rely on you the most, it can be overwhelming. The weight of that responsibility is real, and it’s even harder when your parents are getting older and dealing with health issues. May Allah grant them shifaa.

The biggest thing I want you to know is that your feelings are completely valid. You’re noticing an unhealthy dynamic, and it’s good that you’re thinking about the long-term picture. It’s hard to imagine a future where you don’t carry this weight, but it’s so important that you start considering what this will look like for you as you get older.

One thing that might help is thinking intentionally about the role you want to play in your family. What are the things you’re genuinely willing to take on? What are the duties you do from a place of love and not obligation or pressure? Being clear about what you’re okay with can help you see where your siblings can and should step up. And while it’s completely fair to want a more equal sharing of duties, the reality is that families often aren’t evenly balanced, and sometimes, we end up in roles we never consciously chose. That’s why reflection is so important.

It’s also worth gently asking yourself: Have I played a part in reinforcing this dynamic? Sometimes we don’t ask for help because we’ve grown so used to doing everything ourselves. Or we think, “No one can do it like I can.” Over time, that mindset can lead us to uphold the very imbalance that’s exhausting us unintentionally. It doesn’t mean you’re to blame; it simply means you now have the awareness to begin making small, intentional changes and slowly undo the precedence that’s been set. You get to redefine how things go, one step at a time, hopefully without any resentment.

And here’s something that might feel controversial, so I offer it gently and with love, just as a point to reflect on: Could it be that Allah has given you a unique capacity, or a particular rizq, whether that’s emotional strength, time, or even patience, that allows you to take on more than others in your family? If that’s true, can any of this be reframed as a kind of sadaqah, an offering of love and service for the sake of Allah, especially when done without resentment?

That’s not to say you should overburden yourself indefinitely, but that not all burdens are negative. The real issue arises when we start feeling trapped or resentful. And that’s the heart of this: figuring out what you’re okay to continue doing, what’s simply not yours to carry, and where you can lovingly step back.

I encourage you to start small. If you’re the one always helping around the house or running errands, gently step back and let your siblings take on more. You don’t have to explain yourself—just say, “I can’t today, maybe [sibling’s name] can help.” You don’t have to explain or justify it. Just hold your ground. At first, there will be pushback. That’s normal. But once they see you’re not budging, eventually, they will adjust. It might take time, years even, but remember, this is a long-term shift. 

When it comes to talking to your parents, you don’t need a big, dramatic conversation, just little moments that shift the way they see you. Maybe something like, “Mum, Dad, I feel like I’m the one everyone turns to, and it gets overwhelming. I don’t want to end up feeling burnt out or resentful. I know you trust me to handle things, but I need [siblings’ names] to step up, too.”

If they push back, you can say, “I’m not saying I won’t help, but I need balance. I have my own things to figure out, too. I know it’s different from how things have always been, but it’s important to me.”

I know this shift can feel hard at first, especially if your parents are used to seeing you as their go-to. But it doesn’t have to be perfect, and it won’t happen overnight. Every small shift in conversation, every boundary you reinforce, brings you closer to a more sustainable future—one where you’re not just the eldest daughter holding everything together but a person with your own life to live too.

As for the bigger picture, have you considered moving out to create some physical space? It doesn’t mean you love your parents any less, but it allows everyone to adjust to a new dynamic. It doesn’t have to happen immediately, but it’s something worth considering for the future.

In the long run, setting boundaries early will help prevent things from getting worse as you get older. It will also create healthier dynamics in your family, where everyone contributes, not just you.

May Allah ease your journey and help you find the balance you need, both for your family and for yourself. 

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.