We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.
We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.
Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!
I have recently found out that a woman needs a Wali’s permission to marry and give her away in Nikah. I am finding it very hard to understand this ruling, as I am a sane woman who has been living independently for 10 years now. My father and brother never even tried to find me a suitable match, nor ever supported me financially till i turned 22 and moved abroad, so I just find it confusing why I need approval for someone who has no contributions in my life. Additionally, neither of them prays, so that is my added puzzle on the wali ruling. Could you share any resources with me, because my heart feels uneasy about this? It’s not that I want to marry and won’t get their permission. I likely will, but the idea that I need their permission is proving hard for me to follow. Is this an accurate ruling or something passed down in cultures? Makes me question my own agency in a way.
*Please Note: The following advice has been checked by an Aalimah, but we highly recommend consulting your local scholar or imam from the school of thought you follow for further clarification and details.*
Maya Areem Responds:
Asalamu Alaykum,
Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly. You are not alone in feeling unsettled by this issue. The role of a wali in marriage is something many women find confusing, especially when their relationship with their male guardians isn’t supportive or reliable. It is important to understand that in all the schools of thought, the wali’s role is to protect the woman’s interests, ensuring she is not pressured or coerced and safeguarding her emotional, financial, and spiritual well-being. It’s not about control, but care.
To answer your question simply: yes, scholars across the four main madhhabs agree that a wali, usually a father or brother, is required for a woman’s nikah to be valid. But like many rulings in Islamic law, the real wisdom and mercy are found in the details. This ruling assumes that the relationship between the woman and her wali involves fulfilling all obligations and rights, something that is not the case in your situation.
The Hanafi madhhab, while having the requirement of a wali being present at the nikah, also allows an adult, sane woman to marry without her wali’s permission, as long as she consents and the suitor is suitable, in terms of social and religious compatibility. This ruling doesn’t depend on whether her relationship with her wali is healthy or broken; it applies regardless, trusting her judgment and respecting her autonomy. Her consent alone is enough for the marriage to be valid.
The Shafi’i, Maliki, and Hanbali schools require the presence and approval of a wali for the marriage to be valid.
In your situation, where your father and brother have been absent or neglectful and don’t uphold their religious or familial responsibilities, it’s completely understandable to question the idea of needing their permission. Scholars across the madhhabs agree that if a wali is neglectful, unjust, openly sinful, or obstructs a woman from marrying a suitable partner, he forfeits his right to act as her wali.
The role of a wali comes with clear duties: emotional care, financial support, and guidance rooted in taqwa. When those are missing, someone else, like an Imam or judge, can step in to safeguard her rights and act as a wali on her behalf.
There is a hadith recorded where Khansa’ bint Khidham RA came to the Prophet ﷺ because her father had married her off without her consent. The Prophet ﷺ immediately annulled the marriage. This clearly shows that no wali can override a woman’s free will; the marriage is invalid without her approval. (Bukhari)
While the wali requirement is a genuine Islamic ruling, culture can sometimes influence how it’s interpreted or enforced, sometimes in unfair ways. And when rulings are applied without mercy, kindness, or justice, that’s a human failing, not a flaw in Islam.
I want to leave you with some resources you might find helpful: Seekers Guidance often provides detailed answers from qualified scholars across different madhhabs. There are also female scholars like Shaykha Tamara Gray and Ustadha Ieasha Prime who explore the ethical and spiritual dimensions of womanhood in Islam with clarity and depth.
Whatever you choose going forward, whether to involve your family with kindness or to seek guidance through a trusted Imam or scholar, do it with knowledge and peace of mind. Allah ﷻ sees your full situation, and He is never unjust to His servants. May He ease your heart, reward your sincerity, and guide you with mercy and clarity. Ameen.
Love + duas,
Aunt Maya
If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.
