We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

---

Salam Aunt Maya. I recently took a career break to stay home as my 2-year-old daughter kept getting sick at the nursery. She was losing weight and also became iron-deficient. I don’t have any family close by, and it was not an easy decision, as I have worked really hard to get to where I am. Since I’ve been home, my daughter has been doing so much better; she’s healthier and more settled. But even though I love her and our time together, whenever I see my friends excelling at work while also managing kids and home, I can’t help feeling upset and that I am falling behind. I keep wondering why I couldn’t manage both successfully and let a part of myself go. How do I deal with these thoughts?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for sharing and trusting me to help you through your dilemma. I pray Allah ﷻ fills your heart with ease.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. And I want you to know that what you are feeling is quite common for many women. When we are working, we often look at stay-at-home mums and wish we could be home with our kids, and when we’re at home, we sometimes look at working mums and are left wondering if we’ve made the right choice. No doubt societal pressures on both sides of the coin can also exacerbate these feelings. 

I  am sure it was a difficult decision for you to make, and it’s natural to feel a sense of loss when you step away from something that has been a big part of your life and identity for many years. But remember that this is just a different season of life. One where you’re still evolving and growing as a person and as a mother, learning to adjust and being flexible with the changes life brings. 

You are trying to reconcile two parts of yourself: one that loves your daughter and wants to support her, and it sounds like you are doing a great job, and another where your career feels like the top priority, which can be difficult. Both of these parts are competing for your time and headspace, and there isn’t a right or wrong answer. On different days, you may feel more strongly about one than the other, and that’s completely normal. 

The key is to focus and remind yourself of what matters most to you and what works best for your family at the moment. What is important to us also changes as we move through life, and so this tension you are feeling, although difficult, is also part of the process. On some days, it may be easier to embrace your choices than on others. Also, when you feel a need to compare, try to note if it’s coming from a place of you genuinely wanting something for yourself or a place of self-judgement because you are seeing someone else succeed.

It can also be particularly hard for mothers taking a career break because we are going against the grain of a capitalist expectation to be everything at all times. It is also important to remember that life is never black or white. Everyone’s circumstances, support systems, finances and capacities are different.

Your daughter is still at an age where she requires support, and things will, inshaAllah, become easier with time, especially once she starts school. It might be helpful to keep in mind that this time before your daughter starts full-time education is fleeting and that work will always be there in some capacity when you are ready to pick it up again. Perhaps you can work back up to it when you feel the time is right by sending her to nursery for a few hours a week, giving you a chance to start working again, whether part-time, full-time or through volunteering. In the meantime, you can look for ways to achieve professional or personal growth, whether that’s through online certifications, exploring creative hobbies, or learning something new that brings you joy. Having a plan in place for when you have more time can also help alleviate any negative thoughts if they come up again.

I am not sure I’ve heard anyone say, “I wish I worked more when my kids were little.” But there are plenty of people who say they wish they had spent more time with their children and loved ones. 

I understand being at home with kids can get tedious, but please remember that being a mum who stays home is valuable, respectable and really hard work; nothing gets done easily without you staying on top of things. You’re not getting left behind; you’re getting to be present. Unfortunately, that’s not something that is always appreciated in our society, but it will be valued in your family. 

May Allah grant you contentment and reward you for all your efforts. May He open doors for you when the time is right. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

---

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.