We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

---

I lost my mum last year, and now it’s just my dad and me. My older sister lives abroad. I miss my mum every day and keep imagining all the milestones she’ll miss. I feel I have to raise myself without any family around, as my dad and I are not close. How do I do that? 

Maya Areem Responds,

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for sharing, and may Allah ﷻ grant your mother Jannah and grant your family ease as you navigate such grief. 

It sounds like your Mum was a central figure, and such a loss is felt across many areas of our lives. Losing key family members can change the shape of the relationships around you, leaving you feeling lonely and adrift.

As well as the anticipatory grief of knowing she won’t be there for these milestones, when you reach the moments you imagined with her, the grief can feel fresh again. The weight of having to live without your Mum is such a difficult trial for the heart. Grief is one of those emotions that is incredibly hard for any other human to soothe, and I encourage you to consider how you might find soothing for your heart through Allah’s revelation.

Allah is truly with you in this trial. He is Al-Qarib (The Near) and Al- Mujib (The Responsive), closer to you than yourself. If you think about the closeness you had with your Mother, Allah is even closer to us than that. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel the grief of this loss, but rather that Allah is always near and ready to answer the calls of our hearts.

This also reminds me of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, who also went through trials of grief and sadness. Surah ad-Duha was revealed to comfort him during a period of anxiety. Surah Yusuf was revealed during what is known as Aam ul Huzn, the Year of Sorrow, to console him after both the death of his wife Khadijah RA and his dear uncle, Abu Talib.

After losing Yusuf AS, Prophet Yaqub AS said, “I complain of my anguish and sorrow only to Allah…” (Surah Yusuf 12:86)

Yaqub AS was the embodiment of what grief and faith look like. You are allowed to cry and grieve and share your sorrows with Allah while hoping for the best from The Most Merciful of the Merciful.

“Your Lord has neither forsaken you, nor is He displeased.” (Surah Ad-Duha 93:3)

Allah says in the Quran, “And your Lord will give so much to you that you will be pleased.” (Surah Ad-Duha 93:5)

Even without knowing you, I know you will be able to do this. Allah will never abandon you. 

You must be feeling a sense of loneliness, as you mentioned you are not close to your Dad, and your sister lives abroad. If you feel it appropriate, sometimes sharing grief with someone who is also grieving your Mum can help create closer ties of kinship. It is likely that your sister and Dad are also feeling similar feelings from her loss. Just being able to talk to someone else who knew her, too, can sometimes be helpful.

As your mother’s daughter, there are also ways in which your grief can be a means of your love persisting for her.

The Prophet ﷺ said, “When a person dies, all action is cut off for him with the exception of three things: sadaqah which continues, knowledge which benefits, or a righteous child who makes supplication for him.” (Al-Adab)

You will always be connected to your Mum through your thoughts and actions. Think about her fondly, make dua for her often, and remember that one of the blessings of being a believer is that we have the conviction that these goodbyes are not forever. InshaAllah, when you are reunited in a far better place than this for eternity, she will be a friend to you, and you can share it all with her then. 

To your question of feeling like you have to raise yourself: To raise yourself, I think, means to treat yourself as you would want your parents to. Take a step back and consider how you look after yourself at the moment. Do you feed yourself well? Do you tend to your difficult emotions with care? Do you give yourself both empathy and discipline? Do you make time in your life for things that bring you meaning and happiness? The task of raising someone is enormous, and you need to approach yourself with as much love and mercy as your Mother did – especially as you handle the heaviness of her passing. 

If someone in your community, or a friend, went through what you did, think of how you would help them navigate that situation. Ask yourself, what are your current needs? What is within your power to meet those needs? Then try your best to meet those, and ask Allah for help when you feel you are falling short.

In practice, this can also look like gradually learning skills you may not have been taught, often by observing others and taking inspiration where you find it. Are there mums of your friends whose love and care make you think, “I’d have liked that”? Are there friends of your Mother who you could bond with? When the Prophet ﷺ’s wife, Khadijah RA, passed away, he would show love to her by sending food and gifts to her friends and relatives. Whenever he ﷺ would sacrifice an animal, he ﷺ would keep aside some meat and send it to Khadijah’s RA friends and relatives. (Bukhari)

I also suggest looking up good grief counsellors or therapists near you, and ask for help in navigating your emotions around your loss. There are also some informal grief circles or groups for daughters who have lost their mothers specifically. Build yourself a community of people who have been through similar experiences to ease your loneliness and remind you that, while you may feel alone in your situation, others are going through the same thing. Seek those connections and allow yourself to be comforted by others.

Mothers want happiness and ease for their children, and your Mum would want the same thing. Find what brings you joy and invite it into your life in abundance. What are the things that make you happy? Maybe it’s connecting with community, evenings of rest, or taking on a hobby or something to fill your time with meaningful creation. Indulge your heart in these things and know that this is part of raising yourself. 

Likewise, what are your values in life, and how can you stay true to them? What were the good traits in your Mother and the values she may have had? Living a meaningful life with purpose will enable you to raise yourself into a woman who has been shaped by your much-loved mother and to live alongside grief.

May Allah make it easy for you and lift your heart in the moments where you feel the burden of it. May He grant you a purpose-filled and content life, and may it be a sadaqah e jariya for your Mother. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

---

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.