We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Salam! First, I want to thank you for your time. I started wearing hijab after 2–3 years of thinking and reflecting. When I finally truly wanted to, I waited until I felt 100% sure so that I wouldn’t one day regret it and take it off. But now, after almost three years of wearing hijab, I don’t feel comfortable anymore. I just want to take it off, and it doesn’t feel right or good at all. I literally hate this feeling. I want to continue wearing it, but at the same time, I feel uncomfortable and just want to take it off.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for writing in with such honesty. It can take a lot of courage to admit your struggles with an act of worship, especially if you once embraced it wholeheartedly. It can also be upsetting to find it suddenly uncomfortable or unenjoyable. Try to treat yourself with kindness; we are human, and it is normal to experience uncertainty or doubt. 

Before you focus on whether you want to continue wearing the hijab, I’d like to ask, how is your overall practice of the deen and your connection with Allah? Our practice of the deen, like the hijab, is often the result of our spiritual inner state and our relationship with Allah, not something separate from it. 

I would also like to acknowledge that struggling with an act of worship is completely normal. Often, conversations about hijab are approached very differently and exceptionalised, for example, in comparison to a conversation about struggling to pray, and it is worth thinking about how you would approach yourself and your heart if this conversation were about a different act of worship. 

We all have days where our iman ebbs and flows. Some people struggle waking up for Fajr, others with fasting or gossiping, and so on. Everyone has different struggles, but the difference is that most of these are private, or judged on an entirely different scale by those around us. Whereas the struggle with hijab has so many layers to it, as it is so visibly public and loaded with expectations in ways many other acts of worship are not. Society also often views hijab through several lenses, a misogynistic lens, an identity lens, or a political lens, instead of through an Allah-centred one, which doesn’t make it any easier.

No matter where you are in the world, it can be difficult to cover yourself if those around you view it as unusual, especially when you face subtle microaggressions that can be hard to pinpoint or articulate. 

It might be worth reflecting on whether this outside noise is influencing how you relate to this act of faith, rather than it being an act of devotion to Allah. When you say it doesn’t feel comfortable, what does that mean? Are there any habits that you can attribute this change in heart to? Then try to think of reasons why this has happened:

• How has your life changed?
• Has your environment changed?
• Are you surrounded by people for whom hijab feels strange?
• Have subtle comments, social pressures, or political factors slowly worn you down?
• Are there any habits that you can attribute this change in heart to, such as comparing yourself with people on social media?
• How is your connection with Allah? Have you noticed a correlation between your general iman and your feelings about the hijab?

It’s also important to remember that Allah doesn’t work in percentages and our relationship with Him isn’t about being “100% ready” all the time. It is worth thinking about Allah’s names here and thinking about which one may help you on this journey. He is Al-Aleem (The All-Knowing) and Al-Khabeer (The All-Aware). He already knows every struggle and discomfort in our hearts, even the ones we can’t express or give words to. Allah is also Ar-Rahman, The Most Merciful; He doesn’t demand perfection from us. He acknowledges our struggles and rewards us for our sincerity and effort. What matters most to Him is our pure intention in seeking His pleasure and closeness.

Narrated Ibn `Abbas RA:

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “If somebody intends to do a good deed and he does not do it, then Allah will write for him a full good deed (in his account with Him); and if he intends to do a good deed and actually did it, then Allah will write for him (in his account) with Him (its reward equal) from ten to seven hundred times to many more times. and if somebody intended to do a bad deed and he does not do it, then Allah will write a full good deed (in his account) with Him, and if he intended to do it (a bad deed) and actually did it, then Allah will write one bad deed (in his account).” (Bukhari)

The scholars explain this beautifully. They say that just the good intention of a believer can make him worthy of reward even before lifting a finger, because Allah is Ash-Shakur (The Most Appreciative). He notices even the tiniest of efforts and inner battles and shows appreciation for it by rewarding us. 

If you decide to do something for His sake tomorrow, but for some reason are unable to do it, He will still reward you because He is Al-Kareem, the Most Generous and Al-Waduud, the Most Loving. He is also Al-Hakeem, the All-Wise, whose commands are rooted in wisdom, even when we don’t feel it yet. Understanding who our Lord is can help us get closer to Him and His love.

I would also like to ask, are there other practical steps you can take to fall back in love with the hijab? Could it be as simple as figuring out how to make it work with your personal style, learning which colours, fabrics and styles suit you best or even investing in some hijabs or modest clothing that you feel excited about wearing? 

Sometimes the struggle is not really about “hijab on or off.” It’s about why you are wearing it, and how to hold difficult emotions around it that you are feeling. We don’t need to feel 100% to have trust in something Allah has asked of us. Islam means submission, which is often choosing or striving for the sake of Allah, even if we don’t understand or feel like doing it.

It might help to return to the basics for now. Maybe for the time being, you can focus on the five pillars, your salah, your fasting, your connection to the Qur’an, the duas you want to make, and preserving your sense of modesty. Sometimes the issue is not the act itself but the nourishment of the heart behind it. Take some time to renew your intentions and reflect on building a relationship with Allah. We all need spiritual replenishment from time to time so that our actions can have meaning and purpose behind them. 

Remember, it’s important to reach out to Allah for help, especially in our lowest moments. Allah knows that consistency is hard for us and promises forgiveness and mercy for those who turn towards Him again and again. 

Lean into His names and attributes, acknowledge your struggles and talk to Him about it, “Ya Allah, I’m struggling, but I want to obey You, so please make this easy for me.” 

رَبَّنَا لَا تُزِغۡ قُلُوۡبَنَا بَعۡدَ اِذۡ هَدَيۡتَنَا وَهَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ لَّدُنۡكَ رَحۡمَةً ​ ۚ اِنَّكَ اَنۡتَ الۡوَهَّابُ‏

“Our Lord! Do not let our hearts deviate after you have guided us. Grant us Your mercy. You are indeed the Giver ˹of all bounties.” (Surah Ali ‘Imran 3:8)

May Allah SWT grant you clarity and your heart peace. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.