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I’ve been married for a few months to a religious man from a culture that’s slightly different from mine. Alhamdulillah, we have a lovely relationship, and we got on great right from the beginning. My greatest hurdle in this marriage so far, though, has been his family. We live abroad in our own home, with not much of his immediate family around. It’s not that they’ve been outright terrible to me, but there have been a few instances now, and then in our few months of marriage, that made me realise very early on that this was a family very different from mine and they were people best kept at a firm distance, for everyone’s betterment. I have been doing my best to be cordial, respectful and accommodating with them, tagging along for family visits and hosting his family over for iftar or meals whenever possible. Whatever he wishes to do for his family, I have never once stopped his efforts or been selfish with what/how he chooses to be with them. This is, however, not enough for my husband, and he feels like I’m not doing enough for them and I’m doing the bare minimum, maybe even less to please them, and my discomfort in their presence is plain as day. I’ve made it clear my responsibilities in Islam are towards him and him alone, that if at all there is anything I do for my in-laws, it is purely out of my goodwill. We’ve been getting into frequent arguments over this now that his parents are visiting. Our months-old relationship is already stained dark with constant fights over his family, and I know deep down we harbour deep resentments towards each other. My husband simply fails to understand that this is what I’m like as an individual — that I’m very reserved and introverted by nature and that I’m mature enough to understand where to draw the line with the people in my life. I know this is an age-old problem, faced by most brown women at some point in their marriage, but I’d truly appreciate a solution and any advice, please. Jazakhallah khair.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I’m sorry to hear that you are facing these issues, especially when your marriage is still in the early stages. You are right that this is a predicament faced by many women all around the world, and you are certainly not alone in this. 

I think there are a few different aspects to this problem and that it might be best to consider them one by one. 

Firstly, you mention that you and your husband are from different cultures. Any marriage, but especially one where there may be fundamental disparities between how families do things, requires constant and open communication. I wonder if you can find time to sit down with your husband and go back to basics. Imagine this is the first time you are meeting again: what are his expectations of you as a daughter-in-law to his parents, and what are your expectations of him as a son-in-law to yours? Likewise, what do you consider your own role to be, as someone newly joining his family, and vice versa? Where are your boundaries? For example, are you okay with them coming to stay for visits, but would draw the line at ever living with them? What would the situation be if it were your family who wanted to come and stay? I think being really transparent about expectations and boundaries as you navigate this new terrain of in-law relationships will help make sure that you are both on the same page. 

The in-law relationship can be a challenging one, and there is a lot of cultural baggage that surrounds it. We hear so much about toxic in-laws that it can be nerve-wracking trying to build a relationship with our own when we first get married, so it can sometimes feel safer to keep them at arm’s length. There’s also a lot of societal pressure placed upon women to be the perfect daughter-in-law, and often this expectation doesn’t fall on the husband to do the same. I think it would be useful in your situation to approach this as a joint endeavour where both you and your husband aim to establish a similar bond with your families. This may make everything feel less one-sided and make the act of getting to know each other’s families an extension of your genuine lifelong commitment to one another, rather than a cultural pressure.

I think it is also worth reminding your husband that it is still early days. Genuine relationships take time to develop, and even if you are trying your best, it will take time before you have the bond he might want you to have. Giving you a bit of space to get to know them on your terms will likely help things naturally progress. Remind him that by pushing you, he is likely hindering the process more than anything.

At the same time, it’s also worth remembering that your husband’s family will naturally hold a special and central place in his life, just as yours does. Therefore, what feels like pressure to do more for his family might simply be an eagerness on his part to see these two areas of his life merge. He loves them, and he loves you, and so it’s natural that he would want to see a positive relationship between you all. We hear so many horror stories about terrible in-laws, but you have explicitly mentioned that yours haven’t mistreated you. If they aren’t bad people (albeit they may be different from your own family), then it’s totally natural for your relationship with your husband to extend to a genuine bond with them, too.

In marriage, it’s important that we continue to grow as individuals, as well. We can’t expect only concessions and adaptations from our spouse, but not be willing to do the same ourselves. You have said that you can tell that your in-laws are best kept at a distance; however, I wonder if this is something that is worth reconsidering on your part. Ask yourself, what exactly is it that makes you hesitant to build a relationship with them? Is it just that they are different from what you’ve grown up around? Is it just that you don’t yet know them very well? 

You say that your marriage is otherwise lovely and that you have had a close bond since the beginning. So I think it might be useful for you to reframe the in-law relationship as simply something that is important to your husband. Just like if your husband had a particular hobby or a certain group of friends, you might make an effort to join in, not out of compulsion but rather because you love your husband and it makes him happy. Seeing your relationship with your in-laws in this light might help you to detach slightly and just see the act of hosting or visiting your in-laws as a gesture of love towards your husband. 

Yes, you are right that your responsibilities in Islam are towards him alone, and that anything you do for them is simply goodwill on your part, but perhaps take a moment to consider how you would feel if this were the other way round? It might feel hurtful for your husband to hear that his new wife won’t make more of an effort to fit in with the people he has spent his entire life with. Yes, marriage is something that Allah has outlined with explicit roles and expectations; however, that doesn’t mean there isn’t room to go above and beyond out of love for your spouse. 

Yes, your obligation might be to your husband alone, but a smile is sunnah and making guests welcome in your house, especially when they are the family of the person you love, is also a praiseworthy thing for a Muslim to do. There’s nothing wrong with being introverted by nature – many people are – but as long as it’s not something that is actively detrimental to your safety or wellbeing, then it is healthy to try and push ourselves out of our comfort zones sometimes, especially if it is for someone we love. Perhaps it might help to try and detach slightly, thinking of them not as your in-laws with all the cultural pressures involved, but instead as any other guests in your home. 

Your marriage is still very new, and so the dynamic you have with your husband’s family is also, understandably, still in the developing stages. Think about what you want your future to look like. You might not want to be living with your in-laws or even desire to spend much time with them, but I’m sure you want a broader family environment where you feel comfortable and welcome in their presence and where the times you do see them are positive. If you are going to have children one day, these people will be their grandparents, aunts and uncles. And it is now that these future relationships will be made. Keeping distant from them when there has been no mistreatment on their part might be something you come to regret in the future.

Of course, none of this means that you shouldn’t have boundaries, and it doesn’t mean that you should forgo all of your own feelings in favour of placing your in-laws above all else. But rather, it’s about communication and a little willingness to compromise. If your otherwise good marriage is going to falter over this fact alone, then is that something you are willing to let happen? Ask yourself, is maintaining a distance from your in-laws more important than keeping your marriage healthy and happy? 

At the same time, I think it is worth tempering your husband’s expectations around what a daughter-in-law should be. He may even have his own, perhaps outdated, misconceptions about the role his new wife should play for his parents. I do think, though, that there are more tactful ways you can go about this rather than saying that your duty is to him alone, which may feel a little harsh. Remember, you are a team, not each other’s opponents. 

You have already hosted them for iftars and dinners, so it’s not like you are icing them out altogether, but as this is becoming a genuine issue in your marriage, I think some compromise is required here. Perhaps a manageable next step would be to come up with some low-effort ways you can show your husband that you are making an effort. Whilst they’re staying with you, could you ask your mother-in-law to teach you how to make your husband’s favourite childhood dish? This could be a lovely way to bond with her and also show your husband that you are taking an interest in his roots. After they go back home, can you drop them a message every week or so, checking in on how she is doing? When your husband speaks to his family, you could sometimes chime in in the background, simply saying hello and enquiring about them, which could go a long way to showing that you are interested and involved. 

May Allah ﷻ make this chapter easy for you both and place love, understanding and mercy between you and your husband.

Love and duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.