by Maya Areem in Relationships on 13th December, 2022
We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.
We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.
Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!
I need advice from the sisters who have considered to get back or gotten back with their ex-husband. I separated with mine a while back & really thought I was done – because I don’t play about marriage & I knew if we did this, there is no coming back from it. Also, we share two children so there’s that too. But now my ex is adamant to get me back. He has reflected on what went wrong, vowed to completely change his life around & do all the things I’ve been asking to be done for years. He has also been very clear about the fact that he only wants me to spend his life with. My dilemma is that, I’m quite torn over what to do. I really do still care for him a ton and I know it would absolutely break him and his heart if I moved on. But he is ‘safe’ & ‘familiar’ & I already know how that union goes. A bigger part of me honestly just wants to leave it all behind & give a chance to someone/something new when/if the time is right. Would really appreciate advice (& possibly success stories) from sisters who’ve decided to go either way. Jazak’Allah.
PS: Generally, we ended because I realized we were incompatible in some significant ways & we weren’t moving in life at the same pace, something I’d been dragging him for years to do. That and some other things I just decided I couldn’t continue living with in the long-term. Otherwise he is a kind & soft-hearted soul and a great father.
Maya Areem Responds:
I hope you are well and in a good place, thank you for reaching out.
Thank you for sharing your dilemma with us and we hope we can provide some guidance and things to consider in the decision to return to your ex-husband.
[I have to add I don’t know the reasons for your divorce but if there was abuse or neglect involved in any sister’s dilemma then the advice below would not apply.]
It’s good that you are communicating and talking about what has gone wrong as it’s an important part of your journey as an individual and the current co-parenting arrangement. It also must have been quite significant to prompt a divorce and for you to say “I just decided I couldn’t continue living with in the long-term.” If the reasons you left your marriage still exist, then it’s something to pay attention to. Couples can be at different paces, and it’s important to grant each person the space to grow in their way but for some, this can be a pain point and there is nothing wrong with feeling this way.
I hope that in the time apart you have been able to heal, nourish yourself and have given yourself the space needed. Keep making dua and praying Istikhara.
You shared that he has expressed his intention to ”completely change his life around & do all the things I’ve been asking to be done for years.” I want you to ask yourself, have you seen this in his actions? Have there already been changes in the areas you have previously spoken about? This is a good indication of what a future with him would look like. If you need to see whether his words would match his actions, it may be a case of outlining some milestones and expectations.
You seem very considerate of his feelings especially when you speak about getting back together. You mention his heart and the effect on him “I know it would absolutely break him and his heart if I moved on.” It might be important to sit with yourself and ask the same questions and consider the impact on your heart as that will be an indicator on what you want to do.
Ultimately the decision is yours and deep down I think you know what you want.
I pray you are able to find certainty in your decision and comfort in what you choose to do.
Love and duas,
If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.