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This is Part One of a special series exploring the dating and marriage crisis in the Muslim community. You can read Part Two here.

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“No, mum, I don’t want to meet your friend’s sister’s nephew. I don’t care that he’s an accountant; he’s 14 years older than me!” *scroll, scroll, scroll* “Why did he even like my profile? I said no Dubai merchants, and his first picture is with the Burj Khalifa?”

Sigh. Another failed talking stage, another date with a man with such strong commitment issues it took him 20 minutes to pick between a latte and a flat white, and another wedding where all the aunties have gone from excitedly wishing “you’ll be next,” to throwing pitiful glances and whispering, “It’ll happen eventually.” 

The Muslim girlies are tired. And while we might enjoy the swapping of stories, sometimes comically tragic, sometimes “it was lovely, I just don’t think we’re compatible,” ultimately, we’re all after one thing, the most ingrained and natural human desire – beautiful companionship. But if we’re looking for a life partner, and so are the boys – supposedly – why is it proving so difficult?

To clarify, “dating” might be an uncomfortable word for some, since in secular society, it’s often used as a euphemism for other things. In this context, “dating” is being applied as the all-encompassing term to refer to talking stages, rishtas, app-matches, a friend introducing you to her husband’s cousin, and you getting to know him over coffee while your friend sits two tables away. Essentially, it’s being used to denote the process of getting to know someone with the intention of marriage. 

So, Is There a “Dating Crisis,” and What’s Driving It? 

If you spend any amount of time on a certain part of Twitter (I’ll never call it X, let’s be serious now), or Reddit, or listening to male circles where they hype each other up while chatting absolute rubbish podcasts, you could become convinced that the crisis is solely the result of “liberal feminist university education poison that has destroyed the minds of our sisters.” 

This isn’t a uniquely Muslim take, with a growing segment of society turning to small ‘c’ conservative beliefs, pushing the view that the “male loneliness epidemic” is the cause of blue-haired feminazis, which could all be solved if only women understood that their rightful place is running after 13 kids barefoot in a summer dress on a homestead, instead of in universities, voting booths, or with the ability to make any of their own money.

It seems as though the solution being frequently proposed by some of these lonely men, or the involuntarily celibate (incel), is to reduce women’s freedoms, and thus their ability to be more discerning in their choice of life partner. You’ll often find men online, and in person, wistfully reminiscing on the marriages of their parents, and speaking of the great sacrifices of their mothers, while lamenting that “girls these days just leave when they’re unhappy,” having never extended any critical thought as to why their mothers were forced to make these great sacrifices, or even having asked them if they were satisfied in these ostensibly exemplary marriages. 

Of course, for some reason, there’s never any thought given to the fact that women are also experiencing a loneliness epidemic. With higher rates of education, more financial freedom, and the ability to live a full and fruitful life that doesn’t depend on a partner, women are no longer approaching the dating process from a place of need and desperation, but instead on equal footing, and are able to be more discerning in their choice of husband. However, with this greater choice, there’s almost a growing collective despondency at the situation on the ground.

Sure, we can be “picky” (thanks, Mum) and no longer have to settle for the bare minimum, but is there even anyone to pick? It may very well be that the right people are just not finding each other despite the abundance of marriage apps and community events. But the overwhelming feeling is that while Muslim women are chasing Islamic knowledge, developing exciting hobbies, getting their money up, investing in therapy and other forms of emotional development, and generally being all-rounders, there is a much smaller proportion of men who are matching their level.

I spoke to seven Muslim women of different ages and backgrounds to get a wider perspective on the “dating crisis,” what they suppose is causing it, their experiences trying to find a life partner and the recurring issues they’ve encountered within the dating pool. Their responses were so extensive that they couldn’t be condensed into a single article. You can read Part Two here.

To add some context and bring in the other point of view, I also spoke to a couple of Muslim men on the issue, however, their voices are not centred here as Muslim men have a myriad of platforms to express their views and experiences.

A Crisis of Faith

An issue that has come up in many conversations with Muslim women on the topic of marriage has been the dissonance in religious journeys between them and the options they’re exploring. 

Maryam, 28, has a deep love of Islam and believes the crisis is a result of men’s lack of commitment to being engrossed in their faith. “I do feel that there is a dating crisis in the Muslim community. So many people are just not getting married, despite the intentionality my friends and I have. I would define this crisis as a crisis in Muslim men’s relationship with their faith and sense of self, reducing the pool of eligible men who are ready for marriage even more.”

“The main thing that has demoralised me is that whenever I ask Muslim men about their religious goals, I mostly receive the same carbon copy, lazy answers. They are often not actively working on their faith, and it’s just a ‘yeah, could be better’ response with largely no indication of any work they are doing and no sense of urgency or prioritisation.”

“This is likely due to the differences in the way men and women of our community have been raised. There often seems to be a gap in literacy, engagement, and critical thought among many men in our community, along with a lack of commitment to both their faith and their relationship with Allah ﷻ – something I see far more consistently among women. My experiences have been mostly negative, although I have met some admirable Muslim men who have great character and have left me feeling inspired.”

Compromise vs Pickiness

At some point in her life, every single woman has been told that she’s being too picky. Yet, when women are the victims of violent crimes by men, they’re chastised for not choosing their partners well enough. Societally, it seems as though women across the board are constantly being told to compromise on what they want, particularly when it comes to looks – ‘just give him a chance, he’s a nice guy’ – while men don’t have their desires, whether superficial or otherwise, challenged in the same way. Whether it’s from their families, pop culture, or misplaced confidence, a lot of men seem to be built up to believe that they’re a total catch, meanwhile women who are intelligent, accomplished, beautiful and funny are often pushed to settle, threatened constantly by the same pop culture and family with the fallacy of ‘expiring’ after a certain age. 

Thamina, 23, believes that the adage ‘plenty of [kind-hearted, God-fearing] fish in the sea’ currently feels one-sided, and from their behaviour, some men seem to agree.

“In terms of the choices that are available, unfortunately, the standards have dropped so far and it’s because there are subpar men around. The fact is that the great men got snapped up while they were younger, and while there is an abundance of wonderful, God-fearing, God-conscious, intelligent and driven women around, there aren’t enough men to match this.”

“Men will paint themselves as ‘high value’ when a lot of the time, they aren’t and think it gives them this pass to act however they want. A lot of women don’t have that arrogance, but unfortunately, it means that when a man gives us a bit of attention, we believe that’s the best we can do and put all our eggs in one basket. We don’t trust ourselves enough, nor have enough confidence, and that’s distinct from being ‘picky’. Being picky is when you have all the chances and all the opportunities, but you don’t use them properly. The reality is that women are just tying themselves to whatever comes first. It’s very desperate and comes from a lack of self-confidence – we need to build that up in our community.”

Lena, 26, pinpoints a double standard in the way men and women are told to approach marriage.  

“I feel that there is a bit of a dating crisis, and many things are causing it. Women are constantly being told to compromise on what they want, which is often the bare minimum. On the other hand, men are exposed to more options than ever, becoming increasingly picky and unrealistic with what they want, but no one is telling them to compromise. I’ve personally tried all kinds of routes. The apps gave me the ick, so I tried to attend more marriage-focused events, but the options there are often way too old for me or not what I would go for. I’ve explored things with people suggested to me by friends and family, but unfortunately, no success there either.”

Hafsa, 30, is happily married and says that finding a life partner became much simpler when she handed over the process to God.

She believes that men have the privilege to approach marriage from an abundance mindset, while women approach it from a scarcity one.

“The marriage crisis is partly due to men who are ‘spoilt for choice’ with a surplus of intelligent, beautiful, funny and kind women but without any of the social stigma forcing them to settle down. And women, who no doubt are amazing, but due to a series of poor interactions (either themselves or via friends) have developed an “I hate men” narrative that doesn’t serve them, a scarcity mindset that either leaves them picking people who can’t cook more than beans on toast or assuming that they’ll die alone because “there are no good men” which just isn’t true.”

Conversely, when asked about any recurring issues within the dating pool, especially as someone who is actively playing cupid in the community, she comments, “Most Muslim men I met were fine actually. I just didn’t find enough of them!”

Misaligned Life Stages

Similarly to being pushed to settle, women are often being suggested options that don’t align with where they are in life. 

Sara, 26, feels that men have a lot of catching up to do to the women in their age ranges.

“There’s a big disconnect between Muslim men and Muslim women in terms of life stages, and I see it across different ethnic communities. A 25-year-old man and a 25-year-old woman are not interested in the same things, nor are they in the same place in life. For example, my brother’s a good guy, he’s always supporting us at home, etc., but what he’s doing at 19 and what I was doing at 19 is so different. His priorities are getting through the day and just living, while I was thinking, ‘I need to get my degree, get my license, and chase the next goal.’

“I am introduced to guys who are around my age who don’t have a degree, they’re not earning money, and don’t have the same goals as me; all we share is our ethnicity. There’s nothing wrong with it; they’re just figuring things out, which is fine, but it doesn’t allow for compatibility when you’re at a completely different life stage. I already got my degree, I got my big girl job 3 years ago. I want to take a career break and let someone take care of me for a while after supporting my family for so long, but I’m meeting guys who are just now trying to figure out what job they want. However, there’s not enough supply for the demand, and that’s how we end up settling.”

Paradox of Choice

Not by any means a novel discovery, but the one that was most recurring in all the conversations I’ve had on the subject was the ‘paradox of choice’ that both Muslim women and men find themselves in. Essentially, the idea is that the more choices we perceive ourselves as having, the less action we take, and the more unhappy we are. This ‘paradox of choice’ is by no means a Muslim-specific issue. There’s an abundance of discourse online that explores the issue, particularly in the context of dating apps – on Reddit, on TikTok, and in articles – as well as a social psychology journal article that explored the issue more broadly. 

Sara says that people have taken to investing themselves in situations less due to the belief that there’ll always be more options out there.

“People just don’t want to take risks – either they are scared of how they’ll be perceived, or whether they’ll be embarrassed, or rejected, and I would say it’s the same for me too, and that’s not healthy. My experience has been that when it gets slightly difficult or doubts creep in, everyone pulls away, treating the process quite flippantly and lightly, quickly moving on.”

“It’s partially a coping mechanism to deal with rejection, but more so it’s that guys especially will think ‘yeah she’s cool, but I can do better than her if I just keep swiping [on marriage apps]’, rather than looking at the person in front of them and taking them as they are. It’s a gamble, they believe they can just keep trying and get something better. If someone isn’t for you, that’s fine, but just dropping things? Ghosting? That’s not right at all.”

“Whether through movies or social media, we’ve been fooled into chasing an ideal of ‘perfection’—but that’s not real. Excessive ‘dating’ can lead you to constantly look for something that isn’t there. Our faith teaches us that perfection doesn’t exist except in Allah and the examples of the Prophet ﷺ. These people we meet might be great people with some drawbacks, and we should take them as they are instead of wishing for the perfect image in our heads.”

“The guys and girls both need to be doing better, we need to be content with and evaluate what’s in front of us, rather than coming into it assuming there’s someone better out there. I keep reminding myself that the grass is greener where you water it, whether with dating, friendships or even with my room. When you put more energy and time into something, it’ll always turn out better, and you will love it more.”

The Muslim men to whom I posed the ‘dating crisis’ question also expressed experiencing the paradox of choice. 

“The abundance of options makes you assume there’s so much choice out there, and when you find that person, you’ll approach the process in the ‘right’ way. However, people enter a talking stage, but a small, stupid thing puts them off, so they leave it. I believe this is the case for both genders.”

We’ll pause here, but the story’s far from over, and let’s just say, it’s not just the apps that are broken. In part two, we’ll get into some of the deeper, and often unspoken, reasons behind the struggle — from a loss of intentionality to the pressure and awkwardness that comes with being socialised in a way that hypersexualises gendered interactions, modern dating habits that chip away at barakah, and the judgement that can make this already vulnerable journey feel even harder.