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This is Part Two of a special series exploring the dating and marriage crisis in the Muslim community. You can read Part One here.

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So what is going on? What is making this whole process of finding a partner feel like such a struggle? In part two, we’re digging into the deeper, often unspoken reasons behind this struggle.

I spoke to seven Muslim women of different ages and backgrounds to get a wider perspective on the “dating crisis”, what they suppose is causing it, their experiences trying to find a life partner and the recurring issues they’ve encountered within the dating pool. Their responses were so extensive that they couldn’t be condensed into a single article. If you missed Part One, you can catch up here and see how we got to this point. 

Ayah, 33, a woman who is active and well-connected in the London Muslim community, summed up the issues very succinctly:

“Honestly, I would say that our male counterparts aren’t serious; fear of rejection is rife. In general, people aren’t looking at marriage as a union of souls, just what’s convenient – a trophy husband or a trophy wife. Also, a lot of barakah is being lost in the courting stage. But really and truly, the programming of abundance and choice is leading to decision and forward movement paralysis.”

“What’s the best way to go about things? – intentionality. Even if you don’t know if a person is for you, the lack of intentionality from the start is creating false comfort with people for an unnecessarily extended time. You remove the akhlaq. This isn’t to say banter and whimsical conversations can’t happen. God forbid.”

Lack of Intentionality 

As Ayah pointed out, an issue at the core of the ‘dating crisis’ seems to be a lack of intentionality, and by extension, a lack of respect, that women are experiencing when engaging with men, particularly online. 

Layla, 28, believes that people enter these conversations with an unrealistic idea of marriage and a lot of preconceived notions about the other gender, as well as approaching the process flippantly, with a lack of consideration for others. 

“I’ve found this whole process so draining. It’s hard to know people’s intentions or how serious they are—it almost feels like job hunting, with the constant “interviews” taking away the fun, the spark, the enjoyment. There’s even a weird taboo around admitting you want to find a life partner, which can make it feel lonely, especially when most people around you are already settled.”

“Online interactions make it worse. It’s so easy to dismiss someone after a few messages, but if you met them in real life, you’d probably be more open-minded. People ghost you like it’s nothing—would you just walk away mid-conversation in real life? There’s a huge lack of connection, trust, and vulnerability. People aren’t dating with real intention; they haven’t done the healing needed to understand themselves, their childhood traumas, their triggers, or what they truly want.”

“At the end of the day, we’re all a little messy, but it’s about showing up as our most authentic selves, taking risks, trusting what’s meant to be will be, and having the courage to be open and truly seen.”

I recently came across a beautifully crafted video by a Muslim male creator, Arkamcreates, that also touched on this issue. He compared the experiences of men and women on marriage apps and interviewed two women and two men. One of the women talked about receiving hundreds of likes within an hour of creating her profile, but it was clear that the men ‘liking’ her hadn’t bothered to read her profile and were simply “casting a net and seeing if I would fall into it”. 

While he acknowledged his sample size was small, he shared that both men and women he’d spoken to who had used the apps had concluded that men were casting a wide net and that several people have also commented under the video on both Instagram and TikTok, expressing this sentiment. One male commenter said that he knows many men who “blindly swipe right on every single profile and only after matching will they properly consider the person, they have zero regard for the women on the other side.”

Thamina is convinced that men approach the ‘dating’ process with arrogance and a lack of respect, and are enabled by their friends.

“My personal experience of finding a partner has not been great. There’s this phenomenon of men who are 24 and up, specifically 24-27, who have serious commitment issues. They just jump around and think they’re something when they’re not. This is the problem of being surrounded by and embracing immoral Western values. Men who have big boys’ circles use them as echo chambers, talk about things that are immoral and disgusting, and no one ever condemns it because they don’t see women with respect and that’s why they feel that they can operate however they want, talk to women disrespectfully or ghost when they’re bored.”

The men I spoke to shed some light on this feeling of a lack of intentionality that women experience. 

“Some guys will just ‘like’ indiscriminately on the apps and leave the filtering to the women, which means they’ll match with people that don’t necessarily tick their boxes, or who they can see themselves with long-term. When they do that, they go into the conversation with the idea that ‘I’m giving that person a chance’, and as it goes on, they realise it’s not what they want. They presume they’re open enough to accept the things that they don’t vibe with, but they’re not, so they’ll match with people that they might have big life differences thinking they can change them, and then when it gets serious and they realise that they can’t, they just leave.” 

Hypersexualising Mixed Gender Spaces

Another factor in why people struggle to get married could be how we were socialised as children. While we were taught to maintain boundaries between the sexes, it could be argued that we’re not religiously instructed to be awkward or uncomfortable around one another, which is where we collectively seem to have landed.

Sara is a scout leader who spends a lot of time with teenagers and has reflected on the way that girls and boys are advised to interact with one another.

“My experiences have been good, but we’ve got issues as a community. Every day, my opinion changes on the root issue, and sometimes I land on the hyper-awareness of gender relations, that we’re not socialised properly. We know that kids are interacting with each other at school, on socials, at the mosque, etc. These young people we’re responsible for are normal people who have crushes and feelings for each other.” 

“If we’re not facilitating these conversations around healthy gender relations with boundaries, we can’t ask them just after they graduate why they’re not married. I don’t think it’s from the sunnah to push this awkwardness between the genders and then shame people for being unmarried. We need to teach the younger generations how to have healthy relationships with people of the opposite gender, whether it’s within families amongst cousins, in-laws, etc, or outside with the general population.”

I would add that not having been properly taught how to maintain boundaries with the other gender, and the consequent hypersexualisation of mixed spaces, has resulted in both genders objectifying one another, or being thoroughly delusional within their interactions.

When every interaction is seen through the lens of ‘do they like me’, or ‘are they a potential spouse’, it reduces the other person from a fellow human being deserving of respect and care, to a two-dimensional object of interest, or someone conveying perceived interest.

While women and men both feed their own delusions by interpreting every text or conversation as a sign of attraction, it’s often women who are derogatorily labelled as ‘a flirt’ (or worse) for having a friendly demeanour. 

Loss of Barakah

In the pursuit of a partner, many of us enter the courting stage with good intentions, but the process can often lose its peace and blessing when we stray from the God-fearing principles that should guide it. Engaging in actions that we know we shouldn’t, rushing through the process, or letting worldly pressures and expectations take the lead can cause the barakah to fade, leaving us feeling disconnected and unsettled.

Thamina shares some strong views on modern dating, particularly the ‘talking stage,’ and its negative impact on relationships, especially in the context of Islamic values.

“The ‘talking stage’ is one of the worst things to come from modern dating, especially in the West. It creates a grey area where men push boundaries, justifying it as ‘finding a life partner,’ but often using it to fulfil their needs and leaving when bored.”

“For women, emotional investment makes the breakup harder, damaging their view of marriage. While both genders share responsibility, too many men take advantage, leaving women to deal with the emotional fallout.”

“People mix Western dating culture with Islamic values, assuming that as long as the end goal is marriage, anything goes. But marriage is a religious contract, and barakah comes from doing it right—not just reaching the end goal. Modern dating has made men less committed, with excuses like “money is tight.” But a valid marriage doesn’t take much, and these dragged out, low-commitment relationships lead to fewer marriages.”

[Disclaimer: We don’t know what Allah blesses, but the goal should be to avoid haram, not expect barakah.]

Comments from the Muslim men I spoke with echoed the sentiment that many of us are not following the guidance Islam provides on finding a spouse. As one man put it, “We’re not looking for the right things, valuing the right qualities, or conducting ourselves in the right way.”

Judgement and Flexibility

One of the biggest challenges in Muslim dating is how quickly we judge each other and how little flexibility we allow in the process. We often bring preconceived notions shaped by horror stories from friends, viral posts, or even experiences within our own families. While protecting ourselves is important, being overly guarded can turn into hostility, making genuine connections harder to build.

Sara believes that by embracing more compassion and open-mindedness in dating, we can foster healthier interactions.

“Sometimes, we approach dating in a very black-and-white way—we’re not flexible, we’re not open-minded, and we cut things off without real conversations. Men and women often talk about the same things differently, yet we’re quick to judge instead of trying to understand each other. We need more rahma (compassion) and grace – most of us are just figuring this out.”

“I know I’ve spoken a lot about the negatives, and I’ve definitely seen a lot of that around me, but alhamdulillah, my own experiences have been positive. Even when things didn’t work out, they ended with mutual respect. I believe in honest communication – it makes all the difference. It’s easy to expect red flags and wait for someone to slip up. But when you meet someone genuine, honest, and kind, it gives you hope. It makes you want to try.”

Trust in Allah ﷻ

It’s easy to feel that the state of Muslim ‘dating’ today is bleak, but I want to end with a reminder to both women and men – it’s not all doom and gloom! Many Muslims have found their person and are building healthy, happy marriages filled with barakah, joy, and love.

Ultimately, our rizq – whether in wealth, sustenance, or love – is written with Allah ﷻ. What is meant for you will never miss you because that is the power of Al-Aziz. Imam Al-Ghazali put it beautifully, ‘What’s meant for you will reach you, even if it’s beneath two mountains, and what’s not meant for you won’t reach you, even if it’s between your two lips.’ 

But while trusting in divine decree, remember to tie your camel—make the effort to meet people, embody the best version of yourself in the eyes of Allah, and don’t lose sight of your blessings in the pursuit of love.