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Amaliah Agony Aunt: Friendship Breakup

by in Relationships on 19th May, 2023

We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

Dear Aunt Maya,

My closest friend broke up with me via a 8-minute call. I made a few mistakes in this friendship that I was oblivious to at the time. For e.g. centering conversations around my issues. I later found out that they felt they were a ‘therapist friend’. Perhaps I was a bit co-dependent on that relationship. It’s been a couple of months and the sense of abandonment I feel since has left me devastated. I keep ruminating over the part I played, and my friend has ghosted – essentially refusing to speak things out. I have been struggling with my self-esteem and feel a sense of betrayal to be treated this way by someone I trusted so deeply. How can I recover from this, and forgive myself for the loss?

Maya Areem responds,

Salam alaykum, 

I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It’s never easy when a close friendship ends, especially when it happens suddenly and without proper closure. It’s understandable that you’re feeling devastated, abandoned, and struggling with your self-esteem.

First and foremost, I want to remind you that making mistakes in a friendship is normal. We all have moments of unawareness or self-centerness at times. The important thing is to learn from these experiences and grow as a person. 

Recognizing your role in the situation and acknowledging the areas where you could have done things differently is a significant step towards personal growth.

However, it’s important not to solely blame yourself for the end of the friendship. Relationships are a two-way street, and both parties contribute to their dynamics. It’s possible that your friend had their own reasons and issues that led to the breakup. Their perception of being a “therapist friend” may have contributed to their decision, but it’s important to note that this was their perception, and you might not have had the same intentions.

In terms of recovering from this, try to focus on self-care and self-compassion. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the friendship and the sense of betrayal you feel. Give yourself permission to feel the emotions that come up, and don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s natural to go through a range of emotions when a significant relationship ends.

Consider seeking support from other friends, family members, or a therapist to help you process your feelings and thoughts. Talking about your experience with someone you trust can provide validation and help you gain perspective. 

Additionally, a therapist can assist you in developing coping strategies, exploring your self-esteem issues, and working through any feelings of abandonment.

It’s also important to practice forgiveness, both towards yourself and your friend. Remember that forgiveness is a process and not something that happens overnight. Start by acknowledging that you’re human and that making mistakes is a part of life. Be kind to yourself and try to let go of any self-blame or guilt you may be carrying. As for your friend, understand that they might have had their own reasons for choosing to end the friendship in the way they did. While their actions may feel hurtful, forgiving them can help release the anger and resentment you might be holding onto.

Lastly, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and finding new sources of support and fulfillment. Engage in activities that bring you joy, pursue hobbies you’re passionate about, and surround yourself with positive influences. As you move forward, you’ll likely meet new people who appreciate and value you for who you are.

Some articles that might help you: 

How the Heartbreak of Friendships Led to a Journey of Rediscovering Sisterhood

How to Navigate Friendship Breakups

43 Friendship Red Flags: Is Your Friendship a Healthy One?

Remember, healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, both from others and from yourself. You are worthy of meaningful connections and friendships, and I believe that as you work on healing and growth, you will find the strength to move forward towards a brighter future.

Love + duas, 

Aunt Maya

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.

Maya Areem

Maya Areem

Maya is a teacher by day and student by night. She hopes to pass on what she learns.