We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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I am a convert to Islam from a Jewish family. Most members of my family, especially the elders are staunch Zionists. I am conflicted: I want to keep a relationship with them because they are family but their political stance disgusts me and is unethical to me. The elders are also anti-Muslim. As a Muslim it is also important to keep connections with family members but I’m at a loss here. I feel awkward around them and I don’t know how to interact with someone who thinks it’s ok to murder innocent Palestinians. What do you recommend in terms of how to keep a relationship with these family members, if at all?

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

First of all, I want to congratulate you on converting to Islam and acknowledge the immense emotional burden you are carrying. It can be deeply distressing to want to uphold the Islamic obligation of maintaining family ties while dealing with the hurt and discomfort that comes from your family’s political views, especially when these views directly oppose your own ethical stance on justice, and more poignantly, your newfound identity as a Muslim. May Allah ﷻ grant you patience and ease.

In Islam, family ties are held in high regard. Allah ﷻ says in the Qur’an,  “And be mindful of Allah—in Whose Name you appeal to one another—and ˹honour˺ family ties. Surely Allah is ever Watchful over you.” (Surah An-Nisa 4:1)

The importance of upholding kinship is clear, yet Islam also teaches us to stand for justice, even against our own kin when necessary.

“O believers! Stand firm for justice as witnesses for Allah even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or close relatives.” (Surah An-Nisa 4:135)

Balancing family obligations with justice is something you’re already feeling the weight of. As a convert, it’s understandable that the changes in your life have been significant. Many new Muslims feel pressure to align every part of their lives with their faith quickly, but Islam encourages moderation and wisdom in navigating these changes. It’s okay to take things step by step, just as Islam was revealed gradually to make it easier for new believers.

In the early days of Islam, the Prophet ﷺ and early Muslims faced severe persecution from the disbelievers of Makkah, including their family and friends who actively caused them physical harm and public humiliation. Despite facing many forms of abuse, the Prophet ﷺ didn’t retaliate with violence or anger. Instead, he remained calm, showed patience, and prayed for their guidance.

From a fiqh perspective, it’s crucial to remember that keeping ties with family does not necessarily mean close friendship or constant engagement. Rather, it means maintaining a level of respect and kindness, fulfilling basic rights of kinship, and avoiding complete severance. 

Given the political and anti-Muslim stance of your family, you may need to redefine what maintaining ties looks like in your situation. Keeping communication civil and checking on their well-being might be a way to fulfill the basic rights of kinship without putting yourself in a position where their views impact your well-being. You could also enforce clear boundaries by politely but firmly steering conversations away from political topics or Islam if you sense hostility or disrespect, and making du’a for their guidance. Al-‘Allaamah al-Safaareeni explained in his book that when family members are harmful or hostile to your faith, it’s permissible to distance yourself, as long as you make efforts to explain why and continue praying for their guidance. 

Dealing with negative views on Islam from non-Muslim family members is also a painful challenge that many converts experience. It might be beneficial to try and find solidarity with other converts who understand this emotional toll and can offer valuable support. To connect with others, consider attending local mosques or Islamic centres that host specific classes and events for new Muslims. You can also join online convert communities on Facebook or Reddit, or look into organisations such as Solace UK or iERA, which offer support networks and mentorship programs. You might also find it helpful to consult a trusted Islamic scholar at your local mosque or a counsellor to further explore what is best for your situation based on fiqh and Islamic principles.

It is difficult when family environments do not act as a safe space for us and can take a huge psychological and physical toll. Advocating for yourself and for Muslims can be exhausting, and it’s completely understandable if there are times when you need to step back for the sake of your mental well-being and psychological safety. It is important to check in on your mental and emotional well-being as Islam does not require you to maintain toxic relationships at the cost of your peace. If their comments and actions cause you distress, you may want to consider limiting your interactions. Taking care of yourself with such an ongoing challenge is crucial, as Islam values self-preservation and protection from harm. Allah ﷻ mentions in the Qur’an,

“But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world courteously, and follow the way of those who turn to Me ˹in devotion˺. Then to Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.” (Surah Luqman 31:15)

Finally, this is a deeply personal journey, and I encourage you to seek solace in du’a and prayer. Ask Allah ﷻ for guidance, wisdom, and strength. Sometimes, the solution isn’t clear immediately, but Allah ﷻ promises that those who remain steadfast in their faith and trust in Him will find a way forward, even from unexpected places.

“And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them” (Surah At-Talaq 65:2).

May Allah ﷻ ease your difficulty and reward your sincere efforts to navigate this complex situation in a way that is pleasing to Him.

Love + duas, 

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.