We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis, and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues, including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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I am due to have a child and one of the norms in my culture is mother’s and in-laws being a part of the childcare plan. This is how many of my friends and family members have been able to go back to work, have a sense of balance and keep childcare costs low. My in laws live close by and would be the first option in terms of ease and distance, I also know they wouldn’t hesitate to look after our child and be a part of the childcare for us. However I feel incredibly conflicted as I feel my in laws were not particularly great parents to my husband and he ended up needing therapy and a lot of work to undo a lot of the damage they did during his upbringing. Given this and the sheer amount of work I have seen my husband do, I just can’t consider them as a childcare option, even though they and my parents see that as a norm. If I explain this, my parents wouldn’t understand and my in-laws would feel insulted. How should I approach this, I want to maintain a positive relationship with my in laws but I do not want to have them take part in actively raising my children. This feels like a really big boundary to uphold and I don’t feel I should address this head on with them to ensure that we are able to have a relationship. But for example if they asked to look after them or asked why they don’t see their grandkids more, what do my husband and I say? I want to be respectful whilst honouring our child and their emotional safety. 

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Thank you for reaching out with your heartfelt concern. You’re navigating a complex and emotionally charged situation, one that needs to be approached delicately. It is great that you want to prioritise your child’s emotional safety while maintaining a positive relationship with your in-laws which speaks volumes about the kind of parent you aspire to be.

As you consider how to manage the involvement of your in-laws, it’s essential to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about where he stands on this matter. Where do you both stand financially? Do you have the budget for external childcare to ensure that you can maintain control of how your child is raised, without feeling obliged to adopt your in-laws’ child-rearing techniques?

What you’re trying to determine is what other options we might have to still benefit from the advantages of childcare. Do you have a reliable and safe nursery nearby? Does your work allow the flexibility to pick up and drop off your child on time? Or perhaps you’d like to hire a nanny who can stay at home with the baby when you go back to work after your maternity leave? 

These are questions you both must reflect on and find solutions for before discussing the situation with your in-laws. Your husband also needs to recognise the important role he plays in reinforcing these boundaries, especially since he understands the challenges that arose from his own upbringing.

Having a united front is crucial not only for your peace of mind but also for setting clear expectations with your in-laws. Encourage your husband to actively drive these discussions when they occur. This will show his parents that this is a joint decision made by both parents for the well-being of their child. When discussing your childcare plans with your parents and in-laws, frame your approach around what you both believe is best for your child, rather than focusing on their past parenting. For instance, you might say together, “We’ve decided that having external childcare, works best for us right now. It’s important for us as new parents to manage this responsibility ourselves.” By presenting it as a shared decision, you both reinforce the idea that this is a thoughtful choice grounded in love and care.

If they protest and offer their help, you can gently say that you appreciate their thoughtfulness but also want them to be comfortable and not be burdened with childcare as they have already done their part in raising their own kids. This can help reinforce your boundaries without you explicitly stating them. This will show a united front and communicate that your decision is not solely your perspective but a consensus reached as partners. Additionally, if your in-laws wish to be involved, you and your husband can suggest alternative roles for them, such as teaching cultural traditions or being present for special occasions. This allows them to bond with your child while keeping active child-rearing responsibilities in your hands. You can say something like you want them to be the fun grandparents and plan to have weekend visits and family outings where everyone can relax and enjoy the baby.

Understanding that your decision may not be received well is also important. It’s natural for family members to feel hurt or rejected, especially when cultural expectations are involved. Acknowledge their feelings, but ensure your husband remains steadfast in this conversation. He might say, “I appreciate your desire to help, but we’ve thought this through, and it’s what feels best for us as parents.” This way, he takes an active role in addressing the situation and validating your concerns. Initially, it may feel difficult to uphold especially as life gets busy and extra hands are always helpful, remind yourselves of your original intention of why you established this boundary for your child. 

When you approach a situation with a practical solution, such as having a nursery enrollment or a professional childminder already in place, it not only shifts the focus away from family involvement but also reduces the likelihood of hurt feelings

Ultimately, prioritising your child’s emotional well-being is crucial, and it’s perfectly acceptable to create boundaries that support that goal. Try to maintain open communication and focus on your parenting choices together with your husband. Remember, you are doing what is best for your family, and that is what truly matters. Wishing you strength and clarity as you embark on this new chapter of parenthood. 

May Allah ﷻ grant you a smooth pregnancy and a healthy happy baby. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.